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Volume 1, Issue 39 - Turn 387

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Volume 1, Issue 39 - Turn 387

Post  lord_dragon on Fri Jun 03, 2011 11:12 pm

Hello. It appears that the editor of the gazette has won the lottery, and decided that in fact working for a living sucks. Now it’s entirely possible that he’ll blow all his cash at the casino like he did last time and that our editor may in fact return for the remaining issues of the Gazette. That is assuming we can find him after he drinks himself into oblivion after this devastating loss. But until then the Esteemed Assistant Editor (that’s me) has received a (possibly) temporary promotion.

So as my first act let me welcome you to Issue 39 of the Gazette. And a second act, a pay raise.

The Gazette is pleased once again with its powers of precognition. Last turn we predicted a GAP/PDA sweep to set the seeds at 1st for Frostbite, 2nd for GAP, 3rd for PDA, and 4th for Black. This came to pass and thus our next turn sees another exciting round of fratricide.

With Frostbite already having proven themselves over Black one time before, it would be a safe bet to place money on the Frostbite side of the line. That being said, unlike certain freelance employees that frequent these pages, we will be placing our money on the underdog Black in this matchup. Black matches Frostbite man to man, and luck could easily turn the tide against a confident Frostbite team. Therefore we call Black to hand Frostbite its first loss for the biggest upset of the competition. So, yes, Always Bet on Black.

Between GAP and PDA, we have to call GAP the clear favorite. Rumors tell that it is likely they will follow the same challenging regimen as last time, which ended up very badly for PDA. And even if this wasn’t true, looking at the ranks, GAP’s warriors are overall superior to PDA’s warriors, with PDA winning 2 tie breaker matches in a row while GAP has walked over their competition handily.

Gap will therefore match against Black in the finals if our predictions hold true while Frostbite and PDA will vie for the runner up third place title.

We’d like to extend early congratulations to both LoD and GAPPDA for impressive showings, and to all contestants for a hard fought competition as we go into the first round of finals. Not a single team hasn’t fought well and hard, and sadly unlike some special Olympics, not everyone gets a medal. Sword High and good luck in your upcoming endeavors.

What can be said today for you my friends for I, Raul Anjinarikar Siv, sit down to tell you a tale of what happens before the finals but after the fate of others has been decided. It is odd, this writing, I feel I may repeat myself.

Would you think that I would skip those that didn’t matter for the finals? Of course not, I am paid by the word, the content is really of not of consequence to me. We start with those that matter not at all. Frostbite predictably crushed STUD in a lopsided affair. But friends, between you and me, and everyone else, we must give accolades to those that rose above. Potness Monster pulled out a winning turn against his formidable foe and scored a full, well almost full if you round or count in pairs, number of points for his team this turn. The rest went, shall we say, bad for the Council team.

Wonders never cease, and the odds makers allow bets on all matchups regardless of consequence. In this, clearly some lucky winners came away when they saw the long odds against Brute squad when facing the DIE faction this turn. But Brute took the days win, in what would be a final rallying call to their cause for this contest. And to the masses that felt they had just struck a pot of gold with a lucky bet, I am afraid my friends that you did not read the boards well enough. The point spread was 2, not 1, and you will get nothing. Not even a smile.

So what of the Seed matches? A preview of things to come, yes? PDA holds out against the NBS in a close fight, with yawning performances for a finalist team. I wonder who will win next turn? Hints can be dropped, but I am fairly certain you can bet on the team starting with the letter ‘G’.

All eyes of course where on the featured matchup between GAP and Black, and a possible back to back match in the finals. But as the dust settled, it came down to points and GAP pulled the dance card higher to move themselves into the number two seed by winning just the right amount of matches. The usual accusations from myself would normally fly, but I am inclined to believe for the first time, and probably the last, it was an honest victory.

So the turns that come next will set the stage for the end to this long walk in the blazing sun. Let us drink from the well of fortitude in order to bear through one more turn, and then, I will resume my regular job of pure gossip. Until then, Salaam and Good Hunting.

All four warriors survived their 100 fight birthday this turn to the great pleasure of their stable managers. Davron welcomes two more proud veterans to the fold with the impressive Helios at 72-28-3 beating Fallout of Fusion’s stable and Tratori at a less impressive 46-54-2 losing to Ilneval’s powerhouse Reclusion. Angel of Death’s Victr beat Happy Time Harry to come in at a smashing 57-43-8 record, a 100 fight birthday with that many kills attached to it is a source of pride for any manager. Dux Mortalitas self referential warrior Mortalitas scored a victory and a kill of arch-rival warrior Celtic Frost to come in at 65-35-7, another impressive kill score.

Congratulations to all managers and their new veteran warriors for a grand 100 fight career in the pitt.

Turn 388 will see three more warriors join the ranks of the 100 fight club. Danny D Bloody’s numbered dwarf Gimli4 approaches with an impressive 63-36-1 record along with Hosehead’s Correctify at an almost above water 49-50-0 and Marius’ warrior Wonkette at a devastating 67-32-3.

Congratulations to all the warriors, and to Marius who will be reaching, dead or alive, his first 100 fight warrior next turn.

Death is a great release in the Pitt. The life of a slave warrior is purely to please us, and even if they technically earn their freedom, the years of blood and sweat force them to grind on fight after fight until the day they join all those they had put away themselves in the great festival hall in the sky. And so turn 387 saw 9 veteran warriors released into the peace of oblivion. But more importantly, a 200+ fight Pitt legend passes with them.

D-Man has already said much of M. Noirceur in public and explained his life and times. The staff at the Gazette takes time in this periodical to salute any warrior who can reach 200 fights of age with a winning record, much less a warrior who has struggled through various parts of his career as an oddball. M. Noirceur leaves the Pitt with a massive 110-103-4 records after Misery ushers him to his final reward.

Though normally we go in chronological order by fights, today we jump ahead to Xenlian’s passing, which marks an impressive 11th kill for Caesar Invictus’ Punisher. After hunting down Caesar Invictus, we feel our words cannot do the same justice as his own feelings on having his warrior reach this milestone: “It was a classic match of strength and size vs speed and intellect. Palor's Xenlian put forth a heroic effort in his battle against Punisher, but was quickly overwhelmed by Punisher's brutal onslaught. Condolences for his loss and best wishes for his replacement to Palor.”

Xenlian leaves the Pitt with an impressive 67-59-1 record above 100 fights.

An unusual veteran death occurred with Rawhead Rex this turn as his master sent him to see Lord Darius even though he had a winning record of 37-28-0. The third number probably explains it all, however, since the kill loving manager Sanguine Savior must not have been pleased with any warrior who doesn’t close. Even so, Lord Darius seemed to have a bit of a cramp after the fight, as spectators reported more than one heavy blow hitting the monster veteran before he warmed up and put Rawhead out to pasture.

Some things never change. One of these is that Sleazee and Dux fight the never ending battle at the top. Dux edged a little closer to the unattainable today by an upset kill of Celtic Frost by Mortalitas this turn. We’ll let the actors of this epic poem speak for themselves regarding the fight:

“Celtic Frost was a pleasure to kill for many reasons. First of all he is one of Sleazee's 100+ warriors which I always relish killing even though it is an exceedingly rare event. CF was running a bizarre setup of dual greatpicks. Not sure if that was working for Sleazee or he was just in the mood for something crazy, but I suppose it doesn't matter now because he's dead. Hope Sleazee gets another workable rollup that will reach 100 so I can kill it.” – Dux Mortalitas

"With Celtic Frost's design I decided to take a typical orc design, at least how I was making them at that time, and make it a dwarf instead. The funny thing about CF was that when he took a perm they usually came in pairs and his fight with MORTALITAS was no different. The thing that surprised me was that the finishing perm was not in an area that was considered a "pop" zone. Instead, he only had 3 levels of perm to the area before MORTALITAS landed two level 3 perms to end his life. Celtic Frost's design was not the best for the weapon that I gave him, but my next great pick dwarf will be far more fearsome, mark my words!" – Sleazee P. Martinee

Tolome’s Padding found himself padding the record at of what looked to be a dead end warrior Joe Mama. Clearly on the comeback trail, Joe Mama marked her 5th kill, proving that wins aren’t everything when you kill 15% of the time. Padding leaves the Pitt with a nose above water at 38-37-1.

Mongolian Knight’s Ursula met death at the hands of Ted Supremes Le Bar Des Templiers. The warrior had this to say about Ursula’s final moments: "I had no challenge set by the coach so I was prepared for a nice random fight or a JB Bladeswinger challenge. I was a bit surprised to see this formidable and large gal with a dagger in each hand and a broadsword in her back. I thought, ‘how this girl can hurt me with that ?’ Then he cast upon me those two pointy weapons. Luckily my headgear deflected one shot With few mighty blows from my part, Ursula began to bleed heavily. The fight was won, but referee didn't listen to her pleas. With bravery she decided to fight back and gave me serious wound to remember her by. So serious I even asked the ref to get me out of here too! But today the ref was deaf or blind or too busy watching the AO contest. A last strike at the gut terminated the fight in my favor. Ursula was my second veteran kills. May Mongolian Knight have a good replacement." - Le Bar Des Templiers.

Proving once again that every win is a potential death was the pitt’s only Gnome resident Mygdar, who’s warrior Danton put away the popularly named Flailer of Egor’s stable. Flailer leaves the Pitt with 30 wins and a kill over 56 fights.

Aconite may or may not be mourning the passing of Crimson Fluff by the hands of Frank the Tank’s Lord Soth. Crimson Fluff leaves the arena having amassed 33 victories over a long 73 fight career.

Lastly, the curse of reporting seems to have reversed itself as Ilneval put down one of his AL foes warriors, Deacon Madd. An ecstatic Ilneval commented to the Gazette after the fight: “Well it sure is nice to be on this end of a post fight interview for a change. All too often lately I have had to endure watching one of my own getting blasted into oblivion. This fight was not as one-sided as I had hoped it would be when I saw the matchup. Typically Maum has faired well against Deacon's race so I had a lot of confidence going in. Deacon took the fight to Maum however, landing some decent shots to start the fight. It wasn't until about the second minute that Maum decided enough was enough and landed 3 heavy blows, with the last resulting in a perm to Deacon's Abdomen that put him down. I was a little less than impressed with the flow of the fight and Maum was not allowed to attend any post fight celebrations. Instead I had him hit the training grounds for a little extra work. Sort of sending a message to the rest of the stable that I expect excellence, and we will work on it day and night until we achieve it.”

As always the staff here at the Gazette gives their condolences to the families of the dead and well wishes to those stepping into the sandals of their predecessor.

With all the action in the BC’s this turn, we weren’t able to get a full report of BC’s this turn (though with luck, a delayed submission may make it in later). But it bears noting that a big BC veteran upset occurred with Shamus the Glutton at 38-11-3 beating Ilneval’s Eternal Darkness at 75-52-1 in an exciting 2 minute match. One wonders who the 11 losses were from, and if Eternal Darkness will try next turn to redeem himself.

There was an impressive showing of managers this turn all going 20-5 this turn on win loss, and two reaching 20-5-2. Though two managers included team fights, a full three did not. Warden, a newer manager(?) and Drakus both scored an impressive 20-5-1 victory for runner ups, but hands down this weeks manager of the week goes to Dux Mortalitas for an impressive 20-5-2 turn in AL competition sending two veteran warriors to their graves in the upper rank.

Congratulations! As part of new Gazette policy, please except this Coupon to Dux’s Tavern for a free drink (ironic that). Runner ups, please accept this framed replica of a coupon for a free drink at Dux’s Tavern.

Rumors abound that a new statistics commission has been formed after the old one was sacked. Large billboards are already under construction next to the official ranking boards by a group calling themselves ‘the office for fair and balanced statistics’.

In other news, all forms of abbacies where bought from the market. New shipments have also been pre-order bought out.

The Census has recently completed a survey finding that the racial makeup of our fair cities gladiators is comprised of 719 humans ,551 Half-Orcs, 391 Dwarves, 357 Elves, 300 Half-Elves, and 259 Halflings. They angrily noted that they 97 corrections due to 49 work related fatalities and 48 suicides by monster.

“Tricks are for Kids” – Lord Kelvin, mysterious as ever, commenting on, well, we aren’t sure.

“Xenlian was just unable to fend off the ferocious onslaught of the Punisher and soon fell never to be a thorn in Xavier's side again.” – Palor, musing on Xenlian’s time in the pitt.

“With his 11th kill Punisher becomes the warrior with the most kills in the pit. This is the first time that I, as a manager, can make that claim. Back to back kills are always a highlight in any warriors career, but achieving this rare feat at over 100 fights, without perm-killing, and against such excellent high level veteran managers as Palor and Ilneval is truly an extraordinary event. One that I will not soon forget.” – Caesar Invictus, smiling widely as we caught him at the front of his palatial estates.

“Man I hate that elf.” – Xavier, heard commenting while watching Xenlian added to a long list of Punisher’s victims.

“I'm honored to be a part of a team like Frostbite. There are no better managers out there to work with for a contest like this than Caesar and Poeg in my estimation. I'm saddened that we have to face our fellow LOD members again this turn as in my opinion both LOD teams deserve the top billing. I'm sure as usual we'll end up with a few more glads under the soil, but that is the way of LOD.” – Dux commenting on his fellow teammates at the Finals opening celebrations.

”Regarding M. Noirceur, it is no small feat to reach two hundred fights with a winning record. Although NM may not rank in the top ten humans ever only a handful of warriors have lived so long. so although MN's record wasn't fantastic he has proven himself to be far superior to most warriors ever to step onto the sands. It is a testament to D-MAN that he was able to keep one of his original warriors alive as long as this. He has earned my respect.” – Dux, waxing philosophical over the passing of the venerable Pitt warrior.

That's it for this week's edition of The Gazette! If you'd like to submit items for a future edition or provide feedback and clarifications, please pm them to my account on

-The Staff at The Pitt Gazette

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