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Volume 1, Issue 40 - Turn 388

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Volume 1, Issue 40 - Turn 388

Post  lord_dragon on Fri Jun 03, 2011 11:14 pm

Well it appears that the editor did, in fact, not go gambling this time. I hear he is having a fantastic time in his new home. Well, actually it’s an island. I guess technically its a country. I hope he names it well.

For now, his staff, having realized that the budget was grossly miss-used, will carry on with its new Editor in Chief for the duration of the 52 week run of the Gazette. At that point, or sometime near there, it would warm the heart, or the cockles of the heart, if another valiant, semi inspired writer would take up the pen to entertain and inform the citizens of the Pitt. Now, onto news!

Though we may not be new to the news business, the prediction business is clearly not what the staff of the Gazette is cut out for. Both our predictions turned out to be wrong this turn (what’s that? Keep your day job you say?). That’s right, Frostbite won with the odds and PDA won against it. And I swear we are not in cahoots with the bookkeepers.

That means that Frostbite and PDA face each other in the finals to determine the supreme alliance team for this competition, and GAP and Black will fight in order to secure lucrative bronze medal endorsements from eating establishments around the city.

These match-ups prove to be brutal, with Frostbite fielding the superior managing talents of three of the most dangerous names in the pitt, against the calculating talents of the PDA team who no doubt are pouring over every possible challenge at this very moment. The safe money is on Frostbite, but PDA has proved that they have cleaned up their act a lot since the last bout. We will refrain from guessing (and thus being wrong) for the final outcome of this match.

In the runner up corner, we see two upper echelon teams filled with upper echelon managers. The fight between GAP and Black was extremely close but a few turns ago, it’s anyone match this game. Flip a coin, you’ll have better luck with that if your looking for a safe bet.

However it ends, when the dust settles on this upcoming weeks matches, it will end the first run of the AL. We here at the Gazette salute all the contestants and give a round of applause to the finalists.

It is you, sitting there, I can see it, now in a bathrobe, with I, Raul Anjinarikar Siv, by your side. In spirit of course. It is the time appointed where you see I in these pages. A ghost in the ink. And now, we sit upon the eve of the Alliance Olympics, and just as it opened with doves, it will end with vultures!

All the buzz was of course over the darlings of the day, the Padashah’s bet from the start, Frostbite. Of course it would be the foolish writers of this very paper to encourage the people of this great city to bet against a sure thing. Riches, people think. Fame. Longshots are named like this, my friends, because when you shoot long, you most often miss. Unless you are the wife throwing the pan at her husband for infidelity. And what a pan Frostbite delivered, with another crushing defeat to send their alliance mates with the task of gaining the third place from the insidious likes of the other half of GAPPDA.

And oh, does it gall one such as I, to see the purple and green with the secured second place. I say this because, of course, by the will of all that is right, there is no way that PDA, who happened to win the coin toss with their alliance mates in a mere 45 fight matchup. I tell you, with 75 possible matches, the shame must be on this alliance for not trying harder to fight each other. And not a single kill. Not a sausage. The pork filth analogy is apt, as PDA, the lesser of two evils, somehow managed to triumph over their sickly mates of GAP. Good luck facing those who have already trounced you. Perhaps you should just concede to avoid the humiliation. I can only hope.

And what else is going on around the town? Ah, you though old Raul had grown soft. No, my eyes are everywhere, and let me tell you they hurt from the stretching. Red Death has reared his head (he does have a head yes? This demon thing, it confuses) and has begun laying about the arena with warriors drawn straight from ages past. The LoD will be the size of the Council at this rate of recruitment and reactivation. Let’s see Xenzar again, I say, for the name is most amusing to speak.

On the sad faced side of town, communities as a whole comes together to wish Missus Biggus a fond farewell. Her cooking skills where beyond reproach, I for one am not looking forward to the swill that will be coming from the trough of her replacement, Stimpy. I hear that it will be fish night. Again. In any case, allow this most humble and handsome of reporters to wish you luck on your journeys and pray for a speedy return to the sands.

That, as they say, is the curtain. Next turn will be the last of the events, and the budget, it could use a little graft now and then. What do we have to look forward too? War? New alliances? Perhaps some bad theatre? Whatever comes your way next friends, Salaam and Good Hunting.

All three warriors that reached their 100 fight mark this turn walked out of the arena able to tell the tale. We are also happy to report that all 3 where 50% or above in record doing it. Hosehead’s Correctify was the only winner, but in doing so crosses the finish line at 50-50-0, nose peaking above water (in pride). Danny D Bloody’s Gimli4 decided to give himself a challenge by throwing the gauntlet at Ilneval’s Reclusion, but did not come away a winner (be thankful your not number 8 on his list). Still he reaches 100 with an impressive 63-37-1 record. Lastly Marius’ first 100 fight warrior Wonkette loses to alliance warrior Mal to come across the 100 fight line at 67-33-3.

Congratulations brave warriors and managers on your accomplishment.

Diminishing returns. That’s what pitt management is all about. In this sense, the number of upcoming 100 fight warriors is down one this turn to two from three. Ok, it was all just an excuse to write that one sentence. Xavier’s Santas is hoping for more than coal in his stocking next turn with a 59-40-2 record, looking down the barrel at 60% w/l for graduation. ECA ZA, the unknown manager, has Gutter Sludge sliding across the line. Is it his first? Will it be his last? We here have no idea.

Bring out your dead! Another Nine veteran warriors passed into that happy hall in the sky this turn, joining the nine before them in celebration of their final freedom. If this keeps up the undertaker business in the city will have to expand and cremation will need to be the order of the day. This turn could well be called the ‘karma rebate’ turn as we had two of the nine killed on the giving end last turn. Well, it is better to give than receive, particularly in this column. And this is particularly true for The Shadow Master who sees three of his veterans put out to pasture by the merciless masters of entropy.

We start with the career ending fight for Punisher, who after having killed his 11th victim for his master, took a shot at the monsters and better employment. Unfortunately he pulled Lord Darius, and that order is tall to fill even for a premier killer like Punisher. He exits the pitt in style at 92-29-11. We hope there where many virgins waiting for you up there on your arrival.

The lone veteran victim of the AL this turn was Xenbru of Palor’s stable. Falling before Boriel of Dux Mortalitas stable, the human had an impressive 60-25-1 record and a hate for certain pentagon inhabiting dwarves.

Dux Mortalitas had this to say about the fight: “The Xenbru kill just proves the long held LOD belief that no one is more dangerous to LOD than LOD itself. This contest has put an end to several high level LOD warriors and LOD warriors were the killers. Unlike other alliances LOD refuses to play soft even when facing it's own members. We swear live and die boldy!”

The Shadow Master had three things on his mind this turn in the veteran area, and it all startled with Jerlin. Though still underwater at 44-48-3, it was so close to reaching it’s hundredth birthday, and it could even have been above water! Drachir’s Chives took home the kill and the ire of the Shadow Master.

But let’s finish what we started with what could be seen as a mercy killing on two other of Shadowmaster’s warriors; Gandar and Garvin. At 18-38 and 16-38 respectively, their exit from the pitt is not terribly surprising. We wish Shadowmaster better luck on his replacements.
Fusion’s errant space cowboy Jayne took the Lime and the Coconut and stuck them both together. And the collision proved fatal for Lime unfortunately. Lime leaves the pitt at a respectable 34-26.

The Overlord added another notch to his well worn belt with the passing of Yopi’s elder warrior Zgred. The unfortunate match left Zgred with a 30-35-0 record before the curtain fell.

On the barely veteran side, we saw Ffunkers 52 fight Ateba taken out by the 50 fight Starfruit of Izzboticus’ stable. Ateba took 3 minutes, a hefty tranquilizer, and a 2x4 before he went down. He left his mark at 34-18-3.

The Gazette Staff, as always, sends out its condolences to the families of the deceased and wishes their managers luck with the new recruits.

Hopefully we’ll get a BC roundup from our BC boys for a follow-up post, but we did get commentary on a veteran BC to fill the section in a bit. Let’s got to the matt shall we:

“It was a great pleasure to see Mortalitas strut his stuff against the likes of Negative Evil. At over a 100 fight disadvantage it would be easy to think that Mortalitas wouldn't stand much of a chance, but I was and am still certain the Mortalitas has what it takes to beat and even kill Negative Evil. For those of you who took a moment to glance over at Sleazee during that epic match, you know how tense he was watching Mortalitas dismantle his master dwarf and ready him for a pine box. It was only by the grace of some force unknown to me that Negative was able to turn that fight around at the last minute. I wouldn't be placing my bets on the dwarf next time!

I'm making a special request to Sleazee to forgo the BC next turn to allow Mortalitas to compete in the final match against PDA. I would be more than happy to grant him a match the following turn however. As always I will respect his right to BC as he chooses though.” - Dux Mortalitas on the BC match last turn between Mortalitas and Negative Evil.

There where a variety of strong turns from many managers this week, including two 17-8 performances from AL teams. But standing head and shoulders above the rest was the pitt’s one woman mercenary squad, Chaos Lillith, with a 19-6-0 showing with no team fights. Well done Chaos Lillith, we have no prize for you this turn but we are sure the ‘take’ from whoever has paid you is reward enough.

Several members of the staff of the Statistics Commission have given their two week notice in order to work for better wages at the newly funded Gazette. The Commission swears that new statistics will be available, but much like road repair, they will take time and union labor to complete.

Just as last turn abbacis where sold out, this turn many ‘never before used’ ones have been placed on the market by an unknown business. The number is apparently equal to the sum of two week notices given to the Statistics Commission this week.

Monsters are looking warily at their opponents these days. Jake the Zombie was seen filling out avoid papers for the Bloodmaster on the down low.

“I'm most pleased to see Frostbite will be facing PDA! I was not expecting that they would beat GAP, but since PDA has the passion right now they may be able to put up an agressive match in the finals! May the heads of many roll!” – Dux Mortalitas, handing out reserve seats to the finals match.

“Wait, what?” Xavier, upon realizing his team pulled off the upset against fellow GAP team.

"I should be honored at being the Manager of the Week but too much fame could be bad for business. I prefer infamy myself. I decided to drop some dead weight though. I got tired of feeding people who weren't earning me cash. Seems like the new editions will work out well though. I made it fairly clear to them what would happen if they didn't. I have found a tour of the Monster Pitt tends to crystallize things for the newbies." – Chaos Lillith upon receiving news of the honor from her undercover agents.

That’s it for this edition of the Gazette! If you'd like to submit items for a future edition or provide feedback and clarifications, please pm them to my account on

-The Staff at The Pitt Gazette

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