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Volume 1, Issue 41 - Turn 389

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Volume 1, Issue 41 - Turn 389

Post  lord_dragon on Fri Jun 03, 2011 11:16 pm

Welcome to the 41st issue of the gazette. We only have 12 issues left of the first Volume, and we wipe away a tear of nostalgia with our slightly larger pay stub as we look at the end of the Alliance Olympics and the start of the long cold winter.

ALLIANCE OLYMPICS WRAP UP
The results are in! And it’s a sweep of the Finals, with LoD Black and Frostbite shutting out the GAP and PDA teams respectively. Reports from the arena tell of exciting, close matches and an incredible cat and mouse game between managers in the final foray of the contest.

Frostbite takes first place, with an undefeated run during the Alliance Olympics against all comers. Their finals matches unlike many of their matches was not a shutout, but a fairly close bout that ended with a gap of only 7 points. But in the end, they remain undiminished, and take home the Gold this turn as this years undisputed masters of the contest.

PDA takes the silver home in consolation, but should still hold their heads high. After a shaky 2-2 start in the contest, they ran the series undefeated until the very final round with two tie breaker wins to the astonishment of all involved.

LoD Black settles for the bronze in a commanding finish in the runner up game, beating GAP a mere two turns after facing defeat at their hands, proving that a little strategy goes a long way in the contest.

And finally GAP finishes sans metal but in 4th place after an impressive regular season run that placed them as second seed in the finals.

That ends the competition for this year, a big round of applause to all who weathered the storm and a final congrats to the winners of this years competition!

RAUL’S ALLIANCE UPDATE
A tear comes to the eye of I, Raul Anjinaririkar Siv, as the waft of pork filth hovers barely in the air from the stands as the Alliance Olympics comes to a close. Oh the drama, you have not seen such since they used real monkeys in Shakespeare’s much ado about nothing. Oh the intensity, it was like doing the taxes after realizing shoes are not deductible. Oh the betting. Yes.

And a good mood clearly you can see in me, for my Padashah is rolling in money, and the oasis waters preen with scantily clad females and gold shirted eunuchs. Frostbite has finished undefeated, much as predicted by myself. I am paid handsomely. What is most disconcerting is how close it was. It was like realizing that moments before your house burned down, you where sleeping in it. But, first place is still first place. Remember to listen to Raul when he speaks, for he speaks only the truth.

And of LoD Black, it is much better that you take the bronze than the festering gobs at GAP. If only there where rules that would allow a match against PDA to claim their silver for them, for they truly do not deserve it. Like flies on the back of the camel of victory, you have come across the finish.

So where does this leave us? Alone in the desert? A coconut of despair as garnish on the fried banana desert of good times? Well there are things that go on to pay the bills, but barely. Acheron appears to have abandoned the neutral path and added some form of dignity to GAPPDA. Little did he know he would simply lose all that remained.

And war? We here something is coming, but the details appear lost in the confusion. This is better for editorializing. I hope for death, maiming, and personal interviews with warriors families. Perhaps a scandal or three. We will only realize the fruits of the tree of the future when the leaves of the present wither and fall to the ground. However you decide to garden, Salaam and Good Hunting.


THIS TURNS 100 TURN BIRTHDAYS
It always pleases the editorial staff here at the gazette to see warriors celebrate in person at their 100 fight birthday instead of holding a wake laying down. And happy times are still here, as both Gutter Sludge and Santas clinked glasses together to celebrate sweet survival. With Santas losing to alliance mate Edward Nigma at 59-41-2 and Gutter Sludge beating out Salvo Edger to rise at 42-58-4 for a high point in his somewhat deadly career. Hats off to you warriors, we wish you success and long life to you in your 100+ career.


NEXT TURNS 100 FIGHT BIRTHDAYS
Two for two is what we see this turn, with two passing the test and two more stepping onto the diving board of fate. Xavier has another warrior on deck with the addled, much maligned Ronald Dumbsfeld at an impressive 67-32-5 and alliance mate Marius has the strangely named Rahxephon at 56-43-2. Good luck warriors, may you survive to see the turning of the wheel.


NOTABLE DEATHS
Here at the Gazette we have often felt the arena is the perfect example of survival of the fittest. The weak, injured, and unlucky are weeded out and the strong are left to pummel each other in the throat until they become weak, injured, or unlucky. Turn 389 saw a nice combination of all three with 10 veteran’s wrapped in their Sunday best and laid to rest.

Life in the 100+ section of the arena is tough, and when you have a murderous midget like Popper staring up at you, you can’t drop your guard. Unfortunately that is exactly what happened when Stacie got the random dance card to become Popper’s 8th victim. Fear Halflings? They’ve always plagued our nightmares. Stacie leaves the employ of Scotty Body 81-86-2 in the higher ranks of the game. Stalker has this to say about his fearsome half-fellow -“The Popper vs. Stacie fight pretty much followed the same formula all of Popper's recent kills went; add one rather large Half Orc, a dose of heavy armor, and viola one dead Half Orc. The fight only lasted long enough for Popper to unleash 3 consecutive nasty shots, two being perms, and Stacie was sent to warrior Valhalla.”

But if life is tough in the 100+ section of the arena, it’s downright diamond hard within striking distance of the 100 fight mark. Chen Man Ching’s feared warrior Plunder Cat was plowed under by alliance mates Argoth Black-Heart’s short armed blows. Plunder Cat leaves 2 fights short of 100 at 65-33-4.

Fortunately for Scotty Body, the specter of death would be on his side against one of Solincar Nelfan’s most vicious, Rishana. Random deaths are harsh, and Rishana felt the harshness a mere 7 turns before the 100th birthday at the hands of Bill. He lives his master to ponder a solid 57-36-3 career in the end.

Red Death lost a loser to Scotty Body’s second veteran killer for the turn, Sack. Give em Hell is enjoying getting what he gave, putting in a 36-39-1 curtain call. We here at the gazette predict 4 letter gladiator names will be all the rage amongst superstitious would be killers.

Nemesis lost the well named Fist Blister to the diesel style of Phryne. No strange to kills himself, Fist Blister ended 4 careers in his 37-34 run.

Lord Dragon took in extra points in the Alliance Olympics with the only finals round kill by putting Loja into a small, child sized casket. Cliff Banana Mourns Loja who was good to his feet and his record at 36-26-4.

Speaking of feet, being swift of foot doesn’t help if you don’t move out of the way of that maul. Just ask swift foot, who like Achilles, found his heel punctured to end his life by Greg the Fould. Swift foot was alive and kicking at 31-35-1, and died with his boots on.

Ironman lost an elder warrior in Conan. The struggling warrior had a 1 in 5 chance of killing you in the unlikely even that he won, making him particularly nerve wracking to fight. Conan is put under with a smile on his face by Tickle Me Tiamat at 25-46-5.

Lastly, the newly returned Toumba loses the self named Give Death by Toumba. Having received death at the hands of Sdan’s Shizzle Fizzle, he finds irony in not only leaving by death, but not ever having given it himself at 30-24-0. Pho shizzle.

As always, flowers to the dead and chocolate to their mourning wives, may your replacements outshine their predecessor,


MANAGER OF THE WEEK
A truly impressive turn for a block of managers, numerous 17-8’s, 18-7’s and even a 20-5 made the selection of the manager of the week very difficult. Though Nads, Sleazee, Danny D Bloody, and Frank the Tank all earn Honorable Mentions this turn, the Staff here gives the nod to Lord Dragon with an astonishing 18-7-2 showing during the finals of the AL for team LoD Black, which meant tough as nails fights to rise above. Congratulations!


THIS TURN IN QUOTES
“At the end of first round Loja was dead already. I swear I saw it in the eyes of Blood Master. At the end, my half dragon was happy with a free meal of blood. Just don't let her win ratio fool you brother. She was 22-22-0 14 fights ago. One could say she have found the golden road.” - Lord Dragon talking to a LoD member at Dux's Tavern

"I'm disappointed with GAP's finish of the AL. We were really rolling along, and got derailed by our teammates. We couldn't recover, and Black got us good. Next time, we will finish as well as we start." – Poppa Balrog when asked about his thoughts on the AL.

“What, you’re not going to mention how badly you beat me during the contest?” – Xavier, overhearing Poppa Balrog’s Lament.

“That’s like saying the sun is going to rise in the morning.” – Poppa Balrog’s answer.

“Popper seems to have a knack for dusting off big. slow, half orcs and continues to amaze me as time goes on, I would never have imagine he would attain the 8 kills he currently has.” – Stalker, giving an opening speech at the NAAHP (National Association for the Advancement of Halfling People)

That’s it for this issue of the Gazette. If there are any other would be editors out there ready to try their pen, we are HIRING, so contact someone here at the gazette and we’ll hook you up with your own writing gig.
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