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Volume 1, Issue 5 - Turn 353

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Volume 1, Issue 5 - Turn 353

Post  Admin on Tue May 17, 2011 1:24 am

Hello and welcome to the Turn 353 Edition of the Gazette!

Turn 353 will shortly be remembered primarily as the final turn before the advent of Undefeated Warrior VI, graciously administrated by Stalker, an Ancient much-respected around our fair city and arena for his contributions to the community (by way of the UW) and continued eclectic managing style.

This week we welcome to the Gazette staff Senior Fight Analyst Xud, providing bonus coverage within one of our two Featured Articles.

And we're off!

Those who have been long-time fans of our national sport know that there is little love lost between Dux Mortalitas and Sleazee P. Martinee. Though their war has flared hot and cold over the years, it has been simmering under the surface now for several months. Is this about to change? Is open war between their stables about to erupt again?

The Gazette dedicded to look back at some recent history to try to puzzle it out. Our most recent turn saw Sleazee launch a small assault on Dux, separately challenging three warriors off of Dux's Pitt Lord team. Two of the three challenges were downward enough to garner four points of dishonor between them, while one was an upchallenge just far enough in the rankings to actually gain a point (The Gazetteer is shocked...SHOCKED).

However, moving backwards it turned out that this was not the first meeting between Sleazee's stable and a Pitt Lord, as in Turn 352 Hammer of Gruumsh challenged and beat Pitt Lord 1 in a fan-favorite fight. Dux Mortalitas reacted to this challenge by publicly requesting a rematch, posting bonds around the city near Sleazee's compound. The only reply? Silence. That is, until fight day when Sleazee repeated the challenge, this time taking a loss. As noted though, Sleazee also went after two of Pitt Lord 1's team mates, winning one of the two matches.

Reached for comment at his customary table within his namesake Tavern, Dux reflected on the day's challenges. "In one of the fights, it was Happy Death-Day, a [Battle Axe] Dwarf against my third [Pitt Lord] who also happens to be a BA Dwarf. It took 8 minutes to win that fight, but make no mistake, it was a one-sided victory for my Dwarf." Dux paused to reflect before continuing to our reporter. "Honestly, and objectively-speaking, though, [Sleazee]'s got a solid crop of young fighters coming up the ranks, and I'm sure they can be very dangerous if not properly respected. Take one of his many Battle Flail Half-Orcs, Fistful of Carnage [Editor's note: 24-8-5 record]; that Orc can dish out a lot of quick damage. I wouldn't want to meet up with him in a back ally caught unawares."

Commenting separately on these events, Sleazee chuckled, "I ain't got no beef with Putz. It's just that he's got some of the best up and comers and if one of mine happened to kill one of his that would make the future look so much better for me."

Just when it appeared that the war would likely remain cold for another turn, given the start of Undefeated Warrior, Dux took a moment to issue a challenge through the Gazette, stating, "In light of the fact that Hsab doesn't have what it takes to beat Gideon, and Zurn is hiding in teams in order to avoid death at the hands of same-said warrior [Editor's Note: Zurn spent Turn 352 teamed up with Jurrg Deathscream against the Peasant Scum], I offer Hsab up for a Deathmatch with Zurn starting in Turn 354, should Zurn still have any fight left in him." Dux added, "The way I figure it, if Zurn and Hsab are both over the hill, rather than putting them both to pasture like sheep, I would like to see them go out fighting like the esteemed veterans that they really are!"

Where will things move from here? The Gazetteer is betting on carnage.

The Peasant Scum continued their new-found success in team fights this week, dispatching several warriors (including one of The Derelict's sandbagging Elves, Proactive Penelope) and defeating more than one well-seasoned team. After the events of last turn, The Gazette managed to leverage its influence with the Competition Committee to arrange a match-up between a well-placed manager's team fighters and the Peasant Scum. The outcome of the resulting fight was something of a shock for the fans in the seats, as well as to the manager involved. The analysis provided by our Senior Fight Analyst Xud follows.

Going into the turn, [manager] assigned two high-level warriors to team-fight as a test. It should be stated that neither of the warriors involved have been set up to excel as team fighters. The few team fights they've participated in in the past have been objectively less than stellar, but against Peasants its safe to say that [the manager] and the warriors expected a cake walk.

Our participants drew Klud The Bell-Ringer, whom we already knew could be dangerous, and Fiona Fishwife, whom for years has proven to be more or less inept. Most shocking, however, this turn Fiona would prove to be not inept in the slightest. My feeling is that this might be the big change that has turned the Peasant tide. Fiona used her nets effectively enough to neutralize both of [manager's] warriors at key points in the fight, allowing time and space for Klud to lay in a number of heavy shots. Though Klud and Fiona were in heavy damage at the end of the fight, it was still a shocking loss. Worse yet, one of [manager's] warriors took a permanent injury in the fight. Through plate.

Granted that The Keeper injects a good deal of randomness, in terms of skills and stats, into the Peasant Scum when they are conjured for each fight its possible that in this case it was pure luck that both Klud and Fiona were in top form. Still, neither [manager] nor I feel comfortable making that assumption after this turn's action.

Til next time.
This has been Xud's Corner

Bottom line, something has changed. The Gazette does not have enough information yet to speculate if the change is to the nature of the Scum or even their weapons, but a few things are becoming certain.

Team fight fans shall be getting a better show from turn to turn.

Sand baggers better beware. A quick glance at this turn's obituaries speaks volumes about potential future carnage.

Lord Kelvin's Praestus, sitting at 99 Fights with a record of 51-48-2 will join the 100 Fight Club next turn. Joining Praestus among the long-lived will be Felix's Rambo (hopefully with a win, which would ensure a winning record for Rambo on his birthday). The Gazette is pulling for both warriors to turn in wins as they meet this impressive milestone.

353 was a brutal turn in our arena for warriors with more than 50 fights of experience, with ten warriors expiring on the sands. Of these, three were losing warriors not much above 50 fights, and we will but note their passing without much comment. The Gazette sends its thanks and congratulations to Fusion's Mud for ridding our arena of Eca Za's Dark Fart (26-36-0), to Bandit's Jelly Fish for cleansing the pit of Davron's Smackdown (23-31-0), and finally to Ffunker's Rocchi (himself a candidate for merciful death at 20-27-1) for purging Alphaforce's Big Dumb Ox (20-33-2).

One other warrior with a substandard record was permanently removed from the rolls this turn by Acheron's Robin Williams. Commandant Eitch's 97-Fight Half Orc, Odious George, was killed in a random fight but there was more to this particular fight for both participants than one might think from just looking at the results.

"I am extremely pleased with this outcome, though we are all diminished when a warrior dies upon the sands," commented Acheron after the fight. "That said, thirty turns ago Odious George robbed my stables of Gordon Freeman. The scales are now properly balanced."

Elsewhere in the arena, Lord Kelvin and his warrior Hell's Fury reversed the tables on Poeg (who last turn killed Kelvin's Huntress) by destroying Massasauga in a random match. Reached after the match, Poeg noted "[Massasauga] had always done bad vs big warriors with small weapons. [Hell's Fury] uses a flail and it has been doing awesome damage lately."

When asked if the killing was in revenge for the slaying of Huntress, Hell's Fury promptly replied, "Revenge? You scrawny little bastard! Huntress died with honor, as did Massasauga, how dare you disgrace their name by insinuating they needed to be avenged." The Gazette's reporter escaped the interview with only minor injuries.

Massasauga left this world having accrued an impressive 68-30-1 record.

Commandant Eitch played his own part in thinning the ranks of 50 warriors this turn as his Elf Slim Jim fought off a challenge from Gouged Eye Inc.'s Kali, who finished the fight in a body bag. Commandant Eitch was not at the fight, but caught up with us after the day was done, noting, "Honestly, I wasn't paying that much attention to the fight. I had heard that Slim had been challenged, but for the last few weeks he hasn't been training. Kinda like he had given up and was waiting his turn to die. I didn't even know he had won, until I overheard the street sweeper complaining of the mess he had to clean up."

Rounding out the dearly departed, we have Sir Brandox's veteran Half Orc Wolf Warrior (an unspectacular 47-43-4, but better than Niclitt Fastoun) killed by Scotty Body's Ozzy, Nad's Elf Scrawnules (a decent 45-35-0) slaughtered by The Derelict's Hobo Joe (and how odd to see one of his warriors outside team fights) and Egor's Halfling Cadro (a humdrum 36-34-2) devastated by Master Misfit's Paranoid Peace.

Turn 353 saw a smaller roster of BCs with fewer fight offs than in 352. Despite the smaller number of BCs, there was some serious dishonor gained by several managers and warriors.

As usual, we begin with the warriors that won BCs while at a disadvantage.

All the warriors that fought off BCs while at a disadvantage were extremely low-level this turn (below 30 fights in experience). Unsurprisingly, there were some repeats from last turn's list. Fight disadvantage (as usual) is in parentheses.

Sanguine Savior's Mendelson Shape ( 8 )
Davron's Romulus (7)
Mithrandil's Goodnight (5)
Cliff Banana's Loja (3)
Dude Doomer's Bogoss 6 (3)
Chaos Lillith's EE Cummings (2)
Alphaforce's Pual "The Big" (2)

Despite dropping a different warrior (Emerson, in place of Poe) on Cliff Banana's Loja in the BC this week, Chaos Lillith's gladiator went home a loser anyway. Among the other repeats from last turn's list, there were no changes in the BCer.

Congratulations also to the remaining warriors below who fought off upwards BCs of varying futility. The Gazetteer is pleased to see that this list is much smaller this turn. Fight advantage is in, you guessed it, parentheses.

Terminator's Bomuras (51)
Damion's Dudley Do-Right (13)
Hosehead's butt Hat (4)
Hosehead's Damand Blast (3)
Marcus' Flutter Blast (3)
Fusion's Ivy (1)

In case you were wondering (and we know you are), yes that's a Tolome BC on Bomuras.

BC Fight Off of the Week is a tie between Mendelson Shape and Romulus. Both warriors are barely into their 20s and fought off BCs from older, mediocre (sub-.500) warriors. Congratulations to both managers.

It won't register among the ugliest BCs of the week, but The Warlord qualified for this spot this turn by generating the only BC kill while squashing Boot Strap Billy's Stugart in a lopsided BC with mediocrity Silver Leaf. Despite garnering 4 points of dishonor in the BC itself, Silver Leaf came out positive in the BC as Stugart had been carrying 4.5 points of dishonor.

Crime doesn't pay folks.

Just behind the above travesty, Nads dropped 114-Fight Keebler Maximus on Sir Brandox's 21-Fight Pot-Bellied Poodle. This action garnered 7-Points of dishonor by the current scale, but we would argue that it should have been more compared to some of the actions below.

Several BCs fell into the ugly range this week, with a few repeats from Turn 352 topping the list.

First up we have Danny D Bloody dropping Chuck the Barkeep (in place of Gimli4, last turn's big honor loser) on Gouged Eye's 10-Fight Maewyn. If Valcor had run his team in Turn 353 (or had someone worth BC'ing with on Dullard's team) we'd have thought that Danny was trying to escape a BC with this challenge. Granted that Chuck the Barkeep is fourteen fights younger than Gimli4, the BC in question was still a giant mismatch (14 points of dishonor accrued).

Just slightly more honorable than the aforementioned abomination of a BC we find Vic Vegas's veteran Basque dropping a similar nuclear strike on Robert Crenshaw's young Aboli, generating 13 points of dishonor.

Rounding out the ugliest BCs not already covered elsewhere, Turn 353 saw Drakus drop 19-Fight Longfellow on 6-fight Alpha, Danny D Bloody's repeat Sheila's BC on Nads' 7-Fight Morningstar Aftr Pil, and finally Acheron drop 19-fight Bill Cosby and his pudding pop on Frank's 6-Fight Sha Zaam.

This turns big winner (though playing loosely with the term) was for once Tolome, who nearly matched his honor gained (12.8 ) with the number of wins he garnered in 353 (11). Its worth noting, however, that four of these points came from a BC he had no chance of winning in the slightest.

There were several small honor bounties collected in Turn 353, with the largest (4.5 points) being collected, as noted previously, by The Warlord and Silver Leaf. The next largest honor bounty was collected (as also noted) by Ffunker and Rocchi. The remaining fractional bounties were collected by Debbie Duz Death and her warrior Bertha Butts for killing Jaws' Machine Head, Black Foxx's Cheezit for dispatching Hosehead's Zaphod Beeblebrox, and Bandit's Jellyfish for killing Davron's Smackdown (though the honor gained was overridden by the dishonor inherent in challenging a sub-.500 warrior).

On the negative side of the honor scale, Sleazee P Martinee apparently took his 4th place finish last turn personally and charged his way to the top with a series of ugly down challenges, many on sub-500 warriors. Even with two large, dishonor-laden BCs, Danny D Bloody could only take the second spot, with Xavier coming in a close third. Xavier and Sleazee both achieved these heady lows without a single BC. We would congratulate all of these managers for their accomplishment, but there is not enough soap in all of Veteran's Blade to make us feel clean again if we did.

Manager of the Week for Turn 353 is tie between Bandit for his 19-6-1 turn with no team fights (but several down challenges) and Drakus who manages a 19-6-0 turn with all random matches besides the one BC. Its also notable that three of Drakus' six losses were to The Monsters.

Runner Up this week is goes to Damion (aka Sons of Satan) who achieved a stellar 21-4-1 turn with two, five-man team fight wins, including one over the Peasant Scum. Given the improved performance we are starting to see from the peasants, it may not be that long before we begin to take matches with them more seriously than we have been.

Cpt. Switch reactivated out of the blue this turn, but is likely to disappear again before the morning light.

Asked to comment on his turn's dishonor tally, Xavier expounded "War is hell. And hey, dishonor fits like an old glove. I was just surprised to give as good as I got this time around."

Undefeated Warrior will have several new rules this year, foremost among them being a "No challenging" clause for participants. The next biggest changes include disqualification of the 200 warriors and separate titles for warriors above and below 100 fights experience.

M. Noirceur emerged from team fights this turn to be defeated in a random singles match by Damion's Geryon. [CORRECTION: M. Noirceur came back to singles fights in 352 and lost to Geryon then as well. As a side note, though the manager of Geryon is Sons of Satan in the client, this was a mistake made on account creation. Damion is the preferred manager name for that account, but Keeper has not fixed it for him]

Dux Mortalitas and Sleazee P. Martinee both placed top warriors into team fights this turn, with Misery, Hsab and Zurn all facing The Peasant Scum instead of singles opponents.

"So I'm looking for any feasible upwards fights. Damn, this new honor system, the only leeway we get from Master Misfit is in Blood Challenges. I sure hope Egor doesn't practice under the same principals with Mantis. Anyhow, I come across this Cadro guy. Halfling...sweet. I do my homework and I'm bigger and stronger, but in all other areas he's got me beat hands down. We get in the ring, he hits me with a couple nasty shots with those hairy, little feet, but with a few solid shots of my own at dem big parts, he finally gives in. Then for some reason, his body can no longer sustain life. What gives? I guess he didn't see that play where that tiny bugger walked all over tarnation with this blasted heavy ring." - Paranoid Peace, slayer of Egor's Cadro.

"NBS-Style Cherry Cake

500g of floor
100 g of sugar
1L of milk
50 g of Pitzyte
500g of cherries (only from Cherry Picker Martini's garden -- thieves, watch out for the dogs, I mean the Half-orcs)
5 tablespoons of "secret" powder (grind up a piece of paper containing your challenge list and mix it with Pitzyte - be sure to include only sub-.500 warriors)

Throw all ingredients into a bowl and submit to the Competition Committee" - Found on bills posted around the city after Turn 353's activities.

"Those that fall before our sword are the finest warriors we shall ever know. The killing blow was mine, to not take it would be death...death by weakness, death by shame. Massasauga knew this, trusted in this making her cycle complete. When the day comes where I stand before the Judge Mc D', I will consume my last breath and stand firm knowing my power of my life shall now be understood by the greatest person I will ever come to know." - Hell's Fury, slayer of Massasauga

Gazette investigative reporters have noticed some odd behaviour from the stables of Chaos Lillith. Her warriors seem to have recently all upgraded in gear and many of them have been spotted leaving the city at high speed, returning bearing well-secured boxes and small bags. On venturing closer to Chaos Lillith's compound our reporter noticed an odd smell before being chased away by Ching Sheh.

The Gazette has received word that Dux will bring Pitt out of hiatus next turn. Win, lose or die, Pitt will own the best 100-Fight record in Veteran's Blade history, bypassing even Palor's pre-BC record held by Screamer (at 81-19-9). Our staff spoke to the Pitt Competition Committee about the record, and as a tourney-enhanced warrior, Pitt's accomplishment will carry a special annotation once it is awarded. Word is that Caesar Invictus may also bring Punisher out for UW VI, though the hoped-for match between Punisher and Pitt will be nixed by the rules changes implemented by Stalker.

It appears that the "war" between GAPPDA and the No Bozos Squad ended with a whimper (or a resounding thud) this turn, with neither side able to really keep track of who was assembled on the other. One participating manager was overheard at Dux's Tavern explaining the turn's action to a comely young lass. "Well, it started out as a major conflict, then became a minor skirmish. Add in that we weren't sure who to shoot. It was either a complete rout or a total victory. On to the UW. This round is on me!"

In a related rumor, The Gazette hears that the NBS is thinking of making February 10th an alliance holiday after its "overwhelming victory" over GAPPDA.

Results of the 'No Gladiator Left Behind' program instituted by The Keeper and the arena's Competition Committee several months back have clearly been mixed. While some managers are touting the changes to training regimens that were intended to even the playing field among warriors with different learning abilities, other managers are beginning to back demands for a voucher program that would allow their warriors access to private training schools.

Rumors are flying that a veteran manager has managed to clone one of his long-dead greats. It is believed that this is the same manager who was lately rumored to be performing all manner of body-altering spells and surgeries on prospective warriors of his stable. Are we to see a rash of "rebirths" around the arena soon?

Detente? The Gazette is hearing rumors that Acheron and Ffunker may have put forth a truce. Next week? Cats and dogs cohabitate.

That's if for this week's edition of The Gazette! If you'd like to submit items for a future edition or provide feedback and clarifications, please pm them to my account on

-The Staff at The Pit Gazette


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