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Volume 1, Issue 11 - Turn 359

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Volume 1, Issue 11 - Turn 359

Post  lord_dragon on Fri Jun 03, 2011 4:35 pm

After last week's influx of quick bucks, the Gazetteer bows to pressure from several watch dog agencies and runs its first ever Public Service Announcement in place of an ad. Now please...get off my lawn you hippies!

In other news, this issue again comes in part or in whole thanks to the glorious contributions of Senior Alliance Analyst Raul Anjinarikar Siv (covering the Undefeated Warrior contest) and our Senior Blood Challenge Expert Cliff Banana (bringing you the BC Roundup).

Three turns ago a caravan appeared on the edge of our city-state’s frontier, bearing dozens of new managers and their attending entourage of gladiators and retainers.

Rumors of a great cataclysm followed in their wake, suggesting that these brave men, women and demi-humans were refugees seeking a better life in the bustling metropolis of Veteran’s Blade. Themselves no strangers to gladiator combat, though initially befuddled by certain core differences between our city’s rules and those of their home cities, these new managers and warriors quickly settled in the Migrants Quarter and began to send warriors onto our sands.

The Gazette and our staff heartily welcome these newcomers from the barbarian cities (bearing such odd names as Chimlevtal and Trocar) and unknown wild lands of the eastern continent of our fair world.

One word of warning: We are all Delarqans at heart, here. This game is not for the faint of heart. But we welcome one and all with open arms.

May better tidings meet you my friends, for it is I, Raul Anjinarikar Siv. I drown myself in this mildly fermented water your locals here refer to as Ale or some other insult to fine alcoholic beverages. I bring to you tidings of Alliances in their struggle to dominate the UW once again for the price of mere shekels.

The Legion of Darkness performance this turn was enough to make a grown man turn to very strong drink. They executed as lesser men do when they have had too little to eat and not enough water. 20 warriors strong before this turn, they now number but 11, with one manager not even showing up and another eliminated in battle. It is enough to take away 10 years from a man my age, the fear. Of the notable losses, master Poeg went from four contestants to one. However, it is some small consolation that Lord Dragon and Lord Kelvin both have three fighters remaining. But who knows what horrible plague will haunt my soul next round? It is my hope dear readers that when next you hear from me I am not in shackles.

Then there is this GAPPDA business. Why do you torment me with your pathetic seven remaining warriors? Do you think you can hope to withstand the might of the Padishah? I see “the Banana which hangs upon the precipice” lost his last contestant, joining Hoffa now on the sidelines. Do you think you can stand back to back, the four of you who remain? Stop running and I will cease speaking ill of you!

Sadly, the first alliance has dropped entirely from the contest: The Facilitators of Fatalities. Chaos Lillith lost her noted warrior at long last and Missus Bigus lost hers to apathy. Ladies, I salute all three of you. Your run was noble, your warriors solid. Perhaps you would join Raul at the bath house for wine and a chat? I assure you the wine is good and the water is hot!

The two other smaller alliances now only have three warriors to their names. The mighty DIE and humored NBS have dined and danced with the mistress known as attrition, and she does not help pay the bill. Of the lot, Sanguine holds 2 warriors, the rest 1 each. It is only a matter of time before mouth meets foot for these two. I predict 2 rounds for DIE, one for the NBS. But, I would only place money on it if it were not mine!

And now, if I may address one person who is on my mind. So, Xenzar. What did I do? I am standing here beside myself. First Valcor, and now you? Has the fire of life gone out? Is your woman no longer satisfied? There are many, many reasons to miss a turn, but being in the UW in not one of them. If you knew how much was riding on your alliance, you would turn green with shame. I have no more words for you. Wait, I have a few. Why? Why in the name of all that is good and holy do you forsake my master’s wishes? Is it that you wish to see humble Raul in chains? For this I would do for you, but you must run and win. And now, you are out, like a cold dog in a bowl of soup. I am in disgust, I leave you with no underwear in the rain.

And do not think I forgotten about you Black Foxx. Running is not enough, you must win. Second place is still a loser! And you, you did not even finish seventy-first!

It has been long, my glass is empty, and sweet oblivion beckons. Salaam and good hunting.

This is a public service announcement for the city of Veteran's Blade.

All citizens should be on the look out for a short, skinny Halfling wearing a black trench coat, masquerading as a pharmaceutical salesman. He may attempt to sell you a "miracle" pill that he guarantees will increase warrior productivity.

Authorities believe this to be the infamous "Lil' Debbie" dealer that has plagued the arena for the past few months. Anyone that may have been in contact with this shady character is advised to alert the city watch. Please do not attempt to apprehend this dangerous Halfling on your own. He is considered to be armed and dangerous, and could become agitated if confronted. Anyone with information that could lead to the whereabouts of this person should contact the City Watch. Anonymity will be preserved if you so choose it. There is a 250 shekel reward for information that leads to the capture of this menacing subject.

It’s been several turns since we checked in on our 100 Win Club candidates. Though one of the most likely future club members recently died leaving M. Noirceur and Geryon alone above 95 wins, Dux Mortalitas’ Elfkiller joined the pack of contenders this turn in part thanks to D-Man’s own challenge with Noirceur. Will Dux Mortalitas retaliate, take another win, and jump ahead of M. Noirceur? Inquiring minds want to know.

In a second intriguing twist to the coming “Chase To 100”, Ilneval’s challenged and slew Geryon’s younger teammate, Belial with 94-Fight warrior, DT Jesus. Will Damion take the opportunity presented by this action to try to gather the three wins Geryon needs to make the club?

Good luck to the following contestants for the 100 WIN CLUB:


Both of our 100 Fight contestants leapt forth into the abyss of the 100+ with strong wins in random matches this turn. First up, Lord Kelvin’s prodigal human, Hell’s Fury defeated Valcor Aurthor’s younger (but murderous) Wreckless to reach the 100 Fight milestone with a more than impressive 73 win, 27 loss record (with 5 kills along the way, most recently the slaughter of Poeg’s Massasauga 7 weeks back). Not in the same 70-Win league, but coming in with a quite strong 63 Win, 37 Loss 100 Fight record after a random win against Poeg’s murderous, extremely impressive Half Elf Rucker’s Red, was Shopslave’s Swish. It’s a happy day when the Gazette can congratulate a Shopslave warrior reaching 100 Fights without having to preface the congratulations with dry heaves and epithets like “scum farmer”. Many, many congratulations to both managers, and our well wishes for the future.

Speaking of dry heaves and epithets, two of Shopslave’s scum-farming, sand bagging warriors will hit 100 Fights next turn, both coming off the same team fight array, AliensAmongUs. Having team fought for the better part of their last 70 turns, we hope to see what these warriors are really capable of in the 100+ Singles. Either that or we hope an angry Peasant offs them both very soon. Our eye is on AnnaNicoleSmith (80-19-0) and PaulyShore (84-15-0) in turn 360.

It seems that the Great Maker has finally had his fill of carnage as of Turn 359, as the 50+ death rate fell back to a more manageable level, with only five qualifying deaths (though as usual, one comes to us from the 100+ range).

Topping the list of deaths, is Damion’s second oldest warrior, Belial, a Halfling that just recently crossed the 100 Fight plateau. Belial met his end at the hands of younger challenger DT Jesus, managed by one of our Arena’s top killing managers, Ilneval.

Ilneval spent a moment with a Gazette reporter after the match, providing some context to this kill: “DT had Belial lined up about 5 or 6 turns ago as a challenge, and I just never got down to the Commission Challenge Board and had it removed. The fight itself was a pretty one-sided affair which is also surprising to me. It’s no secret that some of my gladiators have, in the past, struggled with Belial, and I believe DT was one of them. DT in true form took the first haymaker that Belial threw, and proceeded to counter that with a lot of good to extra damage blows until it was over. Frankly I never knew that DT had it in him to kill anymore. It had been over 50 matches since his first kill.”

Belial stumbles into the afterlife in much the same way as he stumbled to a substandard 47-56-0 record.

In a crowd-pleasing match between Dwarf and Half-Orc, Acheron’s oldest surviving Half-Orc was pulled from the Arena with a massive hole in his trunk, despite appearing to be in control of the match.

Davron, for one, attributed the kill to Lemur’s intolerance of religion, saying after the fight, “Lemur just couldn't take all the preaching from Lothar and decided to end all that deity talk once in for all.”

Acheron, not surprisingly, somewhat disagreed, commenting on his own, “It’s too bad. I think Lothar had found a way to make it to retirement, but alas Lemur had other ideas. Hosehead’s Lemme Getcher deserves the assist though, after [Primak Lothar’s fight with him 4 turns ago], Lothar’s chest had to be closed up with some bailing wire and bubble gum.”

Primak Lothar ends his time on the sands with a serviceable 47-34-2 record.

In a major mismatch random, the type which has recently tended to end with the younger warrior on a slab, Caesar Invictus’ Pit Fiend reversed trends as a 29-Fight underdog and instead planted Danny D Bloody’s 91-Fight Slayer 6 feet under ground.

Speaking after the match, Danny D shared his thoughts on his deceased warrior. "Slayer was never much of a winner. He got a few lucky kills, had been fighting about .500 lately and had a weak stomach. Pit Fiend caught him with one hit in the weak spot and he was toast. Sad to see my most experienced Half-Orc go out before making 100 fights."

Caesar Invictus added a brief coda of is own to the kill, stating to a Gazette reporter, “It’s always a pleasure to kill off one of DDB's guys, especially one using my retired warrior’s name.”

Slayer ended his career with a 40-51-4 record.

Danny D Bloody was involved in one other 50+ kill this turn, but this one turned to his advantage. In a random match between two humans, murderous Chuck The Barkeep and Terminator’s Bruce, the younger, more pacifistic gladiator fell, never to rise again.

Fresh from discussing the death of Slayer, Danny added some texture to Chuck’s seventh kill, commenting, "Chuck's on a nice roll. He's gotten three kills since he passed 50 fights and from what I see he's just going to keep it up. My best human and I see him with a great record and probably 10 kills by the time he makes it to 100 fights."

Bruce’s wanderings were fatally thwarted at 39-19-2.

The final 50+ death of the turn was much closer to the cut-off, with Lady Templar’s warrior Lumpy the Plugger evening his record and recording his second kill in wiping out Bill Taylor’s best veteran warrior, Legella, dead at 51 Fights with 29 wins and 2 kills.

Week 359 was a fairly pedestrian turn of BCs, with a decent number of evenly matched contests. Of particular note was the short list of Ugly BCs we had this turn. We can only assume that a sad lack of opportunities has caught up to the arena.

Turn 359 brought us an average number of good BC defenses, with only one truely exceptional effort standing out from the pack. However, it WAS outstanding: Valcor Aurthor’s KROX, while giving up 48 fights in the challenge, dished out three minutes of punishment on the now-marked-up body of Sanguine Savior’s WHOOP DDAMN DOO. Elsewhere, Jaws sent OBITUARY on a mission of vengeance, challenging Dux Mortalitas’ PENETRATOR. We feel that OBITUARY was aptly named, as he was killed for his efforts. Rounding out the remainder of the BC Defenders who fought at a disadvantage (fight disparity in parenthesis)…

Valcor Aurthor’s KROX (48)
Bill Taylor’s DIAK (12)
Gy’Gax’s PUGHE (7)
Dux Mortalitas’ PENETRATOR (1)
Oppo’s UNREAL DUDE (1)

D-Man had another nice showing this turn in successfully defending a BC from Marcus’ BROTHER BASH with MARK WARNER. Perhaps the recent slaughter of CAM SCOTTY has sparked something within Cam, as GOING TO THE PUB outfought Acheron’s MANSLAUGHTER despite giving up 14 fights to the more experienced gladiator and manager.

While the list of the Ugly has shortened for the week, the list of the Bad remains vibrant! Rather stunningly, we again have the privilege of listing The Warlord in this section, who sent GLOOM up 110 fights to take on Hosehead’s SORE ROD. While this is certainly a foolhardy effort, it is compounded by the fact that poor GLOOM has one more turn, we’re sure, to go. Just a thought Warlord, but Monstering will get the job done faster and with only 1 loss as the cost.

It has been five consecutive turns now, that Bandit has been sending RAZOR out to avenge fallen comrades. While RAZOR managed to best TRATORI in a best of three series, the same will not be able to be said in the BC suite with Scotty Body’s DOOMSDAY JESUS. RAZOR has now unsuccessfully BC’d DOOMSDAY on consecutive turns. Will we see a third? Wrapping up the parade of futility, we have Bandit’s LITTLEBIGFOOT who is now a three-time loser against Hoffa’s EDWARDS.

The short list of Ugly is surprising for two reasons: firstly for its lack of fight volume and secondly for our old friend Terminator not being featured in this section for the first time in a half-dozen turns. It truly brings a tear to our eye.

Sanguine’s THINGMAKER lead things off this turn; after toying with Commandant Eitch’s PARANG GINAH during their first two fights, THINGY slaughtered him like a diseased animal in the third. Illneval’s FORESAKEN kept up the ugly parade by dropping down, for the third turn in a row, on Panther’s MASTER CHANG. Luckily for MASTER CHANG, and unlike Parang Ginah, he left his three-turn encounter alive.

Sanguine Savior’s THINGMAKER (110, 1876)
Ilneval’s FORESAKEN (80, 789)
Shadow Master’s JERLIN (43, 730)
Xavier’s SANTAS (37, 573)

New entrants on the Ugly list are Shadow Master and my own alliance-mate Xavier. While it is a first time on the list for Xavier, those who have followed the Honor rankings have seen that he is no stranger to the mis-matched down challenge! Will we see them both on this list again next turn or was this a one and done affair?

Swords High and watch your back!

The Manager of the Week award this turn, despite an ugly BC and a couple of targeted challenges, goes to Ilneval for combining an excellent 19 win turn with an upward challenge kill of an older 100+ warrior.

Runner up this week goes to Dux Mortalitas, bringing an 18 win turn to the table with 2 kills. Though inundated with challenges from Sleazee, and offering a couple of his own in return, it’s impossible for The Gazette to ignore 18 wins in Singles when the competition went a’ scum farmin’.

Recent 100 Fight club inductee, Praeustus, became that rare commodity in our city: A retiree. Finishing his career with a loss, Praeustus enters his golden years having compiled a 52 win, 53 loss record with 2 kills. Our good wishes go out to Praeustus and his manager Lord Kelvin. Good luck in the private sector.

Manager Acheron celebrated his stable’s 2000th fight this turn. Congratulations and many happy returns.

With two kills this turn, Sanguine Savior has accrued 200 Kills in fewer than 200 Turns active in our Veteran’s Blade. Quite a frightening accomplishment! Congratulations to one of our Arena’s most prolific killers.

"This one’s for you, Grunyon!" – Lemur, as he dealt the killing blow to Half-Orc Primak Lothar in a fight this turn.

“I did it for the chicks.” – DT Jesus, exiting the sands after snuffing out Belial.

A little birdie tells us that the Competition Committee has been holding open bidding for a new weapon contractor in Veteran’s Blade, and that several providers’ weapons were tested in fights this turn. Our assumption is that Obsidiaware, the alleged contractor providing weapons to Eric Caine, will not be invited back for the next round of testing.

Hot-headed, enigmatic Acheron sowed the seeds of another conflict with the residents of our city’s NBS Quarter, by apparently breaking a several-week-old truce through challenging Dude Doomer’s UW contestant Zara 5 and the Illustrious Gnome’s own Vardiff. Acheron refused to release an official statement as to the reasoning behind his actions, but he was certainly not above angrily denouncing the NBS and founding member Ffunker around our city’s Taverns this week.

After certain revelations last week, veteran manager AHO mysteriously announced his retirement and allegedly fled the city. In a related story, no one can ever remember seeing AHO and Ffunker in the same place at the same time.

That's if for this week's edition of The Gazette! If you'd like to submit items for a future edition or provide feedback and clarifications, please pm them to my account on

-The Staff at The Pitt Gazette

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