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Volume 1, Issue 12 - Turn 360

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Volume 1, Issue 12 - Turn 360

Post  lord_dragon on Fri Jun 03, 2011 4:36 pm

This turn the Gazette is very pleased to be able to present our normal complement of in-depth analysis of a week in our favorite sport. Next week our plan is to finally be able to bring to our readership Poeg’s rebuttal to Dux Mortalitas’ 3-Part series on Legends.

Bringing back a blast from the past, the Gazette staff is proud to reawaken the “Race to 100 Wins”, now forming up in an arena near you.

It’s hard to believe we’re already finishing our 3rd month in operation. The Pit Gazette salutes all of our contributors from the first three months, and we take this opportunity to extend an invitation to all managers to submit articles (whatever the topic) to our edition. With your help we can make the Gazette even better every week.


FEATURED ARTICLE - UNDEFEATED WARRIOR ALLIANCE ANALYSIS
Salaam my friends, it is I, Raul Anjinarikar Siv, speaking to you very quietly from an undisclosed location, bringing you another report of the cloak and dagger world of Alliances. As the Undefeated Warrior moves towards a close we see flash points arising. Managers, aligned and unaligned, dive at each others’ throats to gain a shot at the golden trophy.

To the horror and apprehension of most, but to the delight of the bookmakers, the Legion of Darkness retains only seven warriors now out of the fifty remaining contestants seeing 4 warriors fail the ultimate test this turn. Also, with another manager, Solincar Nelflan, turning into a water boy for the other contestants, one must wonder if this alliance is truly up to winning the trophy this year. Well I hope for my sake that you do.

The festering alliance of colored dots known as GAPPDA is plagued with luck – my own bad luck. With only Xavier losing a warrior, they have six warriors remaining, nearly as many as rival LoD! And to their ranks they add Staple Gun, who, while too late to the dance for the trophy, has perhaps enough gumption to add to the challenging frenzy that has commenced on the hapless UW contestants? It does not go unnoticed by Raul that they have plenty of warriors to field against all the remaining contestants, and unlike a certain loose alliance of large managers that rarely challenges, GAPPDA is known for their coordination. Just remember, you have three avoid slots, use them well!

DIE and NBS continue their inevitable slides into oblivion as their forces are whittled down like the small wood carving of an eight year old boy. The indomitable (until next turn) Motherskille and three-missing-fingered Thunder Seven stand tall as DIE’s finest warriors. Yes, you did not know that is why he is called Thunder Seven. Was a great joke as a child, he is still angry to this day about it, but I digress. Only Barbaq 3 remains (of Dude Doomer) fame for the NBS, and the odds are very long indeed for this strange, two ‘Ba’qed beast to remain as the final victor.

Like twelve men fighting over a single flask of water in the desert, I foresee the alliances falling upon each other with challenge after challenge. GAPPDA has already thrown several challenges of UW elimination at both DIE and LoD and this turn’s return volley’s shot back at some of them in and outside of the UW zone. Xavier notably has been on an UW rampage both on and off the alliance charts. Have you perhaps been reading Raul’s Five Ways to Influencing Friends and Gaining People? The results of your next turn will make it evident if or if not.

But outside the UW the alliances shift like the waves of the ocean that cannot be tamed. I noticed that the Kitten of Violence has increased the Facilitators of Fatalities ranks. Perhaps I have the name wrong? And Staple Gun, founding member of the wretched colored circles has come home once again for a visit. Rumors are that he may stay, but he is only renting month to month with no deposit so I would not place a heavy wager. And there is even a suggestion that the dark haired foreigners from a place beyond the ocean may be making a new alliance to be tested on the sands. I will have to hire more staff, that much is now clear. If you are interested in hard work, low pay, and do not mind being harassed by your superior, then you know who to talk too. That’s a good lad.

I must bid my adieu now in whispers friends lest the Padishah’s men find me here in this crate. Salaam and Good Hunting.


100 WIN CLUB WATCH
Turn 360 was kind to the warriors in contention to join the 100 Win club, as all three won, though each of them taking a different route to the finish line. Taking the opportunity to relive his days as a school-yard bully picking on kids 2 years younger than himself, M. Noirceur secured his 97th win through a BC on Marius’ Nacho Libre. Elfklller of Dux Mortalitas’ slate challenged and beat Danny D Bloody’s Halfling TNT in convincing, 1 minute fashion for her own 97th win. Finally, Damion’s oldest warrior Geryon took his 98th win in a random match against Poeg’s Saber, bypassing the available BC on Ilneval’s DT Jesus.

Could we be only two turns away from the coronation of a new member of the 100 Fight Club? Granted that M.Noirceur's BC eligibility is up, The Gazette feels confident in forecasting that we are no more than 3 turns away from a new member.


THIS TURN'S 100 FIGHT BIRTHDAYS
It was difficult to find someone willing to put much effort into congratulating the two scum-fed, sandbagging warriors that hit their 100th Fight day this turn. In fact, the Gazetteer would still be looking for someone right now, except we have to go to print. So, on that note, we simply congratulate Shopslave and his warriors AnnaNicoleSmith and PaulyShore for hiding in teams so successfully for the better part of two years. The Gazette hopes that both warriors choke on Sal Streetsweeper’s mop (or come out of teams and start facing real competition, whichever comes first). Since neither warrior’s record is relevant here, the Gazette declines to print them.

Also sneaking his way to 100 Fights this turn with a reactivation in the arena, was Adrian’s Bors, who was welcomed to the ranks of the 100+ with a loss at the hands of Valcor Aurthor’s Wreckless. The Gazette wishes Bors luck in the 100+. With 58 losses in 100 fights so far, we wonder how long he will last.


NEXT TURN'S 100 FIGHT BIRTHDAYS
Turn 361 will be a banner turn for 100 Fight warriors, with three excellent warriors looking to surmount this first plateau to survey the heights yet to come. Also joining them is another of Shopslave’s scum-fed irregulars.

The Gazette passes good wishes in the coming turn to Sleazee P. Martinee’s Celtic Frost (62-37-1), Ilneval’s Eternal Darkness (59-40-1) and Palor’s Xenlian (57-42-1). We make no such platitudes for Ed of Estrogen (record not noted).


NOTABLE DEATHS
It appears now, in retrospect, that turn 359, with its measly five veteran deaths, was a simple calm before the storm, as Turn 360 returned us to the insanity of recent death counts. Thirteen different warriors who had entertained the glorious masses for over one year in our arena fought their last match this week. For the first time in many turns, however, the gods spared all warriors over the 100 Fight level, instead concentrating their harvest within a fairly narrow range.

Two managers shared the dubious distinction of losing a pair of veteran warriors each in Turn 360: The Overlord and Master Misfit. In both cases, each warrior was killed by members of the same alliance, with Overlord’s warriors succumbing to warriors of the Legion of Darkness and Master Misfit’s folding to those dressed in Green and Purple. The key difference? The Overlord’s warriors (Blue Ranger and Bruno) were both killed in random matches (against Black Foxx’s Replacment Killer, earning his name with his 6th kill, and Solincar Nelflan’s Dragon Warrior, winner of Undefeated Warrior V a year ago). Master Misfit, on the other hand, was the victim of one targeted murder and one unfortunate random, in losing Vommit Genius to Xavier’s challenger, Novak the Troll, and Krimson Karrot in a random match to Marius’ Atrios.

Blue Ranger, the cream of the four, goes to his grave having left behind an impressive 52-22-1 record. Vommit Genius, Krimson Karrot and Bruno all end their runs with solid winning records (44-31-1, 42-35-3 and 40-28-3 respectively).

In a slightly more traditional meeting of GAPPDA and LoD warriors, second oldest warriors in Lord Dragon and Hoffa’s stables met, with tiny Gnomish reaping his first ever kill (in his 80th fight) on Sibley, who was giving up 10 fights of experience in the random match.

The enigmatic Dragon was gregarious after the match (it’s important to note that this fight occurred earlier in the day than the dramatic UW elimination by Elbow Drop BC incurred on Lord Dragon’s Joshua by D-Man), commenting, “It wasn’t exactly an exciting match. Gnomish was lucky enough at the end, managing a kill against a dangerous enemy. Gnomish began as a great Halfling warrior when he decided to join our ranks. Somehow, he lost the feeling along the way and started to lose heavily. Now he is starting to find his road again. This kill is the reward for not quitting.”

Sibley amassed a 70-Fight record of 42-28-2 before passing.

Poeg’s warriors showed an interest this turn in reaffirming their manager’s membership in Veteran’s Blade’s most deadly alliance by slaughtering two veteran warriors. both in random fights. Gouda met and dismantled Chen Man Ching’s Silver Stag while Dirty Ol’ Boh got his filthy on against Pan’s oldest living warrior, Barak.

Silver Stag’s career ends with a solid 39-24-1 record, while Barak ends his life barely underwater with a 32-33-1 record.

Tolome was apparently both in a foul mood and somewhat prescient in sending a challenge recently reactivated Adrian and his only winning warrior above 50 fights in experience, Patriot. Tolome’s winged Dwarf, surely the defendant in a major copyright suit by now (Dux’s lawyers are legion), took only into the 2nd minute to finish Patriot for good.

Patriot ends his career with a 33-28-1 record.

Rounding out the notable 50+ slaughter this turn, Bill Taylor’s mediocre Half-Orc Gene surprised odds makers and fans alike by not only beating but killing Commandant Eitch’s Bleeding Moon in a random match. This has been the culmination of a rough run for Eitch (see This Week in Quotes for more) and we wonder if he will risk Scratching Cow in the BC.

Bleeding Moon leaves us all having compiled a pedestrian 26-25-1 record.

The Gazette now takes a moment to congratulate two warriors, Scotty Body’s Doomsday Jesus and Lord Kelvin’s Searing Goddess, for chlorinating the gene pool in slaughtering Eca Za’s Troubled Water (fairly underwater at 24-30-1) and JB Bladeswinger’s BIllen Bobinswing (also decently impaired at 22-28-0) respectively. The Gazette believes in certain standards for warriors who accrue 50 or more fights experience. We thank Scotty Body and Lord Kelvin for enforcing standards.

The Gazette sends its condolences to all managers who lost veteran warriors this turn.


CLIFF BANANA'S BC ROUNDUP
A slightly bloodier turn of Blood Challenges this week, as we saw four kills earned this turn during BC action. In a mildly surprising turn of events this week, we had very little of the Bad variety happening in BC-land, as both cooler heads and managerial discretion were seen. Less fortunate, though, is that Turn 360 lacked even a single warrior successfully fending off a second BC attempt after losing on turn 359.

THE GOOD
Overall, the arena saw a slight increase in the number of warriors defending against an experience mismatch in a BC this turn. Surprisingly (or not, depending on your level of cynicism), the Good was off-set by an equal number of Ugly. Our list of BC defenders made quite short order of their attempted oppressors, as only one of the fights went longer than 3 minutes, with most wrapping up in 2. The successful upsets were scored by… (Fight disparity in parenthesis)

Drakus’ BYRON (27)
Yopi’s TURTLE (13)
Vic Vegas’ DIVERTICULITIS (6)
Xavier’s NINAVEL (6)
Black Foxx’s TIGALA (4)
D-Man’s MARK WARNER (2)
Egor’s SPLITTER (2)
Lord Dragon’s AGRAVATED (1)

THE BAD
As mentioned, there was very little of the Bad this week. Hanging on to hope, quite foolishly, was The Warlord’s GLOOM as he BC’d up 110 fights for the third consecutive turn, to get wiped out by SORE ROD. JB Bladeswinger had quite the bad BC turn, dropping all three of the BC’s that were thrust upon his warriors. JB’s crew fought at a disadvantage in all three matches, though, which only added to the brutality of the result.

THE UGLY
In what could be a minor war brewing, Shadow Master’s JERLIN killed Lady Templar’s TWEAKER ROB. While there was a considerable experience and ranking disparity, TWEAKER ROB hung on for five minutes before being dispatched. This kill comes on the heels of TWEAKER ROB slaying Shadow Master’s URGON on turn 357. The Lady’s response on Turn 361 is greatly anticipated in these parts. Rounding out the list for turn 360 are…. (Experience disparity, ranking disparity)

D-Man’s M.NOIRCEUR (147, 512)
Angel of Death’s JEZE LARGESNOUT (49, 708)
D-Man’s BLACK NIGHTSHADE (46, 853)
Shadow Master’s JERLIN (43, 723) kill
Lady Templar’s AGENT SMITH (42, 511)
Xavier’s SANTAS (37, 565)
Ted Supreme’s TOUCHE REKTAL 2 (31, 915)
Palor’s KOR’DUL (27, 1281)

It should be noted that D-Man’s use of Black Nightshade to BC down and eliminate Lord Dragon’s Undefeated Warrior contender, Joshua, who had reeled off 16 straight wins to start his career before this match, touched off a minor war of words between their camps around town. We greatly anticipate the larger war that may result.


MANAGER OF THE WEEK
The top three non-scum-farming managers this week were all wearing the “glorious” Green and Purple, with Xavier and Poppa Balrog both pulling in 19 wins and Fusion pitching in 18 of his own.

However Poppa Balrog distinguished himself from his alliance mates this turn and earned the Manager of the Week award, by pulling in 19 wins and 2 kills while mostly fighting in randoms (with one odd upwards challenge that earned him a loss but 3 honor points).

Runner Up goes to Xavier, with 19 wins and a kill among a couple Undefeated Warrior eliminations that had to generate some angst among to very prominent managers and an ugly downwards BC by Elf Santas.


RANDOM NOTES
Sleazee P. Martinee’s Green Machine was so upset about being knocked from the Undefeated Warrior contest by Xavier's Zar Hesta that he's responded by killing someone both turns since. Will the trend continue next turn?

This was the last turn in which the initial honor system constructed by GAPPDA manager Xavier will be used to track our Arena’s challenging trends versus the Competition Committee’s convoluted and unpopular Ranking system. A new system debuts next turn.


THIS TURN IN QUOTES
"Vomit Genius was an old friend of the stable. I'd be lying if I said that Novak didn't want that kill. He asked and I slotted it. We salute Vommit Genius. He was a good warrior. Not a smart one, but a good one. Drink deep in the Halls of Valhalla. You have been given a beautiful death." – Xavier, speaking on the death of Vommit Genius

“Bleeding Moon's death is just the latest act of a much larger plan. An insidious plan that one of your reporters may have un-earthed while writing of Bleeding Moon's fellow gladiator, Weeping Wound. But they were not the first. Not by a long shot. I now believe it all started with the death of Odious George, who conveniently died 3 fights before his 100th. Also among this conspiracy's death toll are some of my eldest, such as Slim Jim and Marionette Marduk. The recent death of Parang Ginah at the hands of Thingmaker, seen in this light, may also be their work. The murder of a promising young warrior. Who ever is behind this conspiracy be warned! I am on to you now, and my warriors will be prepared!” – Commandant Eitch, speaking in a low voice to a Gazette reporter while highly agitated after Bleeding Moon’s death.

“Well, it’s nice to see that Replacment Killer is living up to her namesake…just over 70 fights and 6 kills. Not quite reminiscent of the good old days of Blood Pit when you would be lucky to live to 50 fights, but it still brings a warm spot...well somewhere. Always nice to see a power ranger eat dirt, they never die in the show so I guess I had to take one out in my own way.” – Black Foxx, holding forth in Dux’s Tavern after the week’s fights


WHISPERS AROUND THE VETERAN'S BLADE
There is growing sentiment and evidence that veteran warriors are using performance enhancing potions and combining this use with a berserker fighting style, known as “Total Kill”, to slaughter the unsuspecting finesse warriors of our arena as well as those who do not have Little Debbies connections around the city. City and Arena Officials are beginning to back off their initial assessment that the death spike was being caused by the increased number of poor match ups resulting from Undefeated Warrior randoms. We hear that Gnomish and Atrios (warriors who had never killed before) both suffered extended “interviews” at the hands of Competition Committee goons after scoring their first kills this turn as a result of increasing attention on the problem. Interviews with more prolific killers, like the appropriately named Replacment Killer, were for some reason not solicited.


That's if for this week's edition of The Gazette! If you'd like to submit items for a future edition or provide feedback and clarifications, please pm them to my account on pitt.bloodspit.net.

-The Staff at The Pitt Gazette

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