Latest topics
Tue Dec 04, 2018 3:14 pm by Vic Vegas

» BETTER THAN YOU vs RAY OF LIGHT monster fight
Mon Oct 15, 2018 5:03 pm by Dux Mortalitas

» Tracking Arena Statistics
Tue Sep 25, 2018 11:20 pm by Lelu Dallas

» New but not so new
Sun Sep 16, 2018 11:13 am by Modofo

» Ground Control to Major Tom
Sat Sep 15, 2018 1:50 pm by Vic Vegas

» BIGGO vs MENDELSON SHAPE monster fight
Thu Aug 23, 2018 2:57 pm by sliv

» UW-XVII Week-13 Results (Final results)
Sun Aug 05, 2018 3:38 pm by Dux Mortalitas

» UW-XVII Week-12 Results
Thu May 03, 2018 5:53 pm by Stalker

» UW-XVII Week-11 Results
Thu Apr 26, 2018 5:31 pm by Vic Vegas


Volume 1, Issue 15 - Turn 363

Go down

Volume 1, Issue 15 - Turn 363

Post  lord_dragon on Fri Jun 03, 2011 4:40 pm

Hello and welcome to the Turn 363 Edition of the Gazette!

The Gazette is pleased to return Cliff Banana to its editorial fold this week and the Gazetteer particularly is happy to hand the reigns of the BC Roundup back to their rightful owner. In other news, Raul, of course, is here again to bring you the Undefeated Warrior and Alliance Analysis that our young magazine has become so famous for. Alongside these two regulars, this issue, as always, brings everything about the arena that’s fit to print.

And so it begins…

Hello my friends, it is I, purveyor of intrigue, maitre d’ of the all you can eat knowledge buffet, Raul Anjinarikar Siv. It is no mystery why I devote my life to the alliances, no? Since eyes turn to the finish of the Undefeated Warrior Contest, of all the worthy warriors in the Arena, ten now find themselves standing above the rest, and six of those ten? Alliance minions.

Perhaps Raul will not need to spend times in chains after all? The Lords of Darkness fended off all challengers, with Blood Elder, Sorah Magdar, and Firebloom all batting aside their infidel foes. The LoD appears once again set to make things right to poor Raul who asks so little of them. If I where a betting man, and I am not but my master is, I would say that one of these three takes the title.

And of course in perpetual second place is GAPPDA. They too fought off all challengers this turn, to my chagrin. I must say that for such wretches they are resilient, like the aftertaste of bad coffee or the unsettling feeling in ones gut after eating spoiled cabbage. With Aerdra the Punisher, continuing her ludicrous streak from 6-6 (a mere fifty percent) and the fresh rough and tumble Boing Boing remaining, it will not be long before they are picked off by the LoD field of remainders.

But no report would be complete without a significant tilt of the head to DIE. The smallest but strongest of alliances, Motherskille, once again, fended off a challenger from GAPPDA with heavy, brutal swings. It is curious why Xavier was seen reminding a staggering Sanguine Savior to fill in his running papers only to challenge and lose to the mighty warrior. Whether it be honor or irony, we salute you Xavier for your foolishness.

What remains outside the alliances is worth noting. Like sludge that has not been wiped off the sleeve of a street sweeper, they continue their futile attempts at taking the title. With spoon fed fights, Ill-Ox’s Poison will eventually match against someone not throwing the fight to him, and I predict a loss next turn as the winds of change tell me that every available winning warrior will be arrayed against him. Marcus’ Malicious is simply too ill-tempered to succeed and will falter in two turns. Sulfur’s stench cannot keep away the competition for ever and his rapid ascent will stop next turn, I tell you this. Rawg Brainsplatter, wait is this a joke? This name, I expect to see it as a character in a play named Orgy of Violence or something as such but an arena warrior? Next you’ll be telling me Linda Bodiceripper will be matching him. In any case, he is ranked too high to survive. I give one, maybe two rounds tops.
Ah, again, the sun is low and my belly empty. Time once again to dodge the angry bouncer’s at Dux Tavern for what passes as sustenance. As always: Salaam and Good Hunting.

Turn 363 was a very unfortunate week for our 100 Win Hopefuls, D-man’s M. Noirceur, Damion’s Geryon and Dux Mortalitas’ Elfkiller, as all three warriors lost in tough randoms, two of which were with current 100 Win warriors. Due to the recent struggles of all three contestants, we have a new warrior coming in on the tail end of the race to 100 Wins, Terminator’s Pimp Daddy, who notched his own 96th win this turn. Of course, one of the three warriors with 98 wins must be considered the favorite to pull down two wins before Pimp Daddy grabs four of his own, but the dark horse candidate must be acknowledged. Tough luck to M. Noirceur (beaten by Hosehead’s Slap Ho), Geryon (beaten by Dux’s own Misery) and Elfkiller (throttled by Caesar Invictus’ Guardian) and congratulations to Pimp Daddy for beating Hosehead’s Spoo for # 96.

While the Gazetteer and his staff typically enjoy being able to report on the 100th Fight days of distinctive warriors, let’s all admit for a second that getting any warrior to 100 fights is an accomplishment in our bloody sport. Sometimes one has to pull for the underdog. That said, it seems that Ilneval was not pulling for the underdog in Turn 363, as he sent DT Jesus to club Tolome’s Stumpette. The rumors that DT Jesus brought a cake with 100 candles to the arena with him are unlikely true. He did however give Stumpette the gift that keeps on giving…a loss. Stumpette reaches 100 fights with 47 wins, 2 kills while DT Jesus prepares for his own upcoming 100th Fight day in 2 turns.

In other 100 Fight news, Nads’ Elf Pre Monster wins his 100th fight in a team match between The RC’s Enforcers and last turn’s celebrity team, Designation: Target. This turn, though, Designation: Target lost the match and a warrior (Joyless, see Notable Deaths section for more information) but without reaping any havoc of their own.

Congratulations to our 100 Fight warriors, Stumpette and Pre Monster.

When it comes to veteran deaths, it appears that the quiet turns of yesteryear are a thing of the past, even with the Undefeated Warrior tournament at an end. Instead, Turn 363 was another slaughterfest, with 12 different veteran warriors biting the big one. In something of an ironic turn, however, two of the three applicable deaths in challenge fights were the challengers themselves. The remaining kills were all in randoms, or as with some very special kills last turn, team fights.

Starting with the only 100 Fight warrior to die this turn, Chen Man Ching’s wunderhalfling Kitty found himself facing nearly 40 fights uphill against Gouged Eye, Inc.’s 162-Fight warrior Leonard DeQuirm. Gougy’s Elf found himself with only his second kill in relatively short order.

Kitty leaves behind an impressive 80 wins and 5 kills in 126 fights (the kill total being almost unprecedented among his race) as well as 3 remaining 100+ team mates to carry on the torch.

It was a strong turn for Caesar Invictus (who, on a side note, sat his Inquisition team this turn, possibly for old time’s sake), as his warriors dispatched two veterans in separate singles fights in Turn 363. The first kill came to Orion in one of the aforementioned challenger deaths this turn, as Bandit sent staffling Undertaker to his doom.

Caesar’s comments on the fight echoed the sentiment in the press box. “Undertaker went back to the well one too many times.” Caesar offered. “This was his 3rd challenge in the last 10 fights, the previous 2 both resulted in victories for Bandit. This time, the outcome was different. Orion started off slow and it was beginning to look like another win for Undertaker was on hand, but Orion stepped up his game and took control of the fight, scoring a few devastating hits, including a one that would have lingered with Undertaker, had he lived, to end the fight.”

Bandit seemed to be overall pleased with Undertaker’s run, despite his death, commenting: “The fight was a good one. Undertaker got a few good hits in there but not enough. Well done, Caesar. Wish I had someone to BC with but not this time.”

Undertaker completes his run in the arena with 49 wins, 26 losses and one kill, coincidentally enough against Caesar’s own Roan back in Turn 311. The wheel turns.

It was a tough turn for Half-Orcs carrying four kills, as both Solincar Nelflan’s Hortzark and Hoffa’s Winyah bought the farm this week at the hands of The Overlord’s Orange Ranger and Davron’s Elric respectively. Unfortunately for Hoffa, there was more tragedy to come.

Hortzark had compiled 42 wins and 4 kills against 37 losses while Winyah had managed a stronger 43 wins and the same number of kills against only 20 losses.

Caesar Invictus’ other veteran kill of the turn came on a random between Half-Orc Death Adder and Eca Za’s Human mediocrity, War. In a brutal and one-sided match which saw the majority of Death Adder’s hits landing extremely hard, everyone in the arena, including the victim, could see the death blow coming in minute 3. Despite War being prepared for the blow, and putting every effort into blocking it, Death Adder’s Great Pick slid off War’s XXX Sword and punched through his headgear, demolishing War in a great gout of blood, to the distinct pleasure of the fans.

In the final challenge death of the turn, Drakus’ Steinbeck sought out and was slain by Tolome’s Maximal Pain. Tolome expressed some amount of confusion after the fight about why Drakus was challenging his warriors, but Drakus cleared things up for the Gazette, implying off-hand that Tolome had down challenged his Undefeated Warrior contestants but also noting, “I've been working hard to get all my great axers killed off and I'm glad Steinbeck finally took a dirt nap. Now only The Shook remains, and hopefully not for much longer.”

Steinbeck and his Great Axe accrued 32 wins and 4 kills in 54 fights before dying at the hands of Tolome’s winged Dwarf.

Hoffa’s other veteran loss of the turn was Halfling Rawhide, who perished at the hands of JB Bladeswinger’s Human Sli.

In what should have been a turn of celebration, Rawhide dies on her 50th fight, with 31 wins and a kill to her name.

In a twist worthy of the greatest thriller authors, the only challenge kill of a veteran warrior this turn was, for once, directed at Sleazee P. Martinee, rather than orchestrated by him. The Gazette doubts that there are many tears being shed this week, however, as Poeg and his Elf Facon dispatched one of Martinee’s few notable losers, Jurrg Deathscream.

When asked what his thoughts were on Jurrg's death, Sleazee commented, "So what can I say about Jurrg's death? Got a couple things; One... about time. Another... Facon's lucky that Zurn's not still around and that Rawg's working on winning the UW Contest. It really is a shame because he just may survive against Harboth.”

Jurrg dies having contributed 40 losses, but only 22 wins, to Sleazee’s record. When one considers how well Sleazee maximizes wins for his warriors through challenging, one begins to wonder just how awful Jurrg must have been.

Following up the carnage in last turn’s team fight in which three warriors between the two teams perished, Jim the Half-Ogre’s Designation: Target faced Nads’ The RC’s Enforcers this week and lost another warrior for the trouble. Given the rate of attrition among the top team fighters in the last few weeks, The Gazette ponders if we will shortly see a deluge of veteran warriors dipping their toes in singles fights for the first time.

Joyless falls having pieced together 31 wins and 3 kills against 25 losses. It’s worth noting that many of the losses came in singles fighting, while his recent record recovery occurred in team fighting.

Joyless was not the only veteran warrior to perish in teams this turn though, as Frank’s Lord Hugar Ironfoot was killed while his teammates routed The Derelict’s Strange Fellows squad. On top of his Undefeated Warrior elimination and death (Dr. Strange was killed on a challenge by Sleazee P. Martinee’s Green Machine), it was a rough turn for Frank.

To round out the turn’s veteran kill cataloging, The Gazette congratulates The Badman and Sanguine Savior and their warriors Cheesy Ron and Burn in Hell for dispatching sub-.500 veterans Maximus Brickus and Keldrick. Silencer and JB Bladeswinger, with some luck, got better warriors out of the deal.

Maximus Brickus added 27 losses to Silencer’s record in 50 fights, while Keldrick approximated a tackle dummy 44 times in 60 fights.

The Gazetteer and his staff salutes all managers who killed veteran warriors this turn and send their condolences to the bereaved.

Well, there certainly were some interesting developments to cover from Turn 363. First, many thanks to the Gazette staff for covering turn 362’s BC Roundup, and doing so on short notice. Thank you!

There were 45 total Blood Challenges issued on turn 363, down slightly from 362, but up overall comparing to the previous ten turns, giving us plenty to work with for sure. Without further adieu…

Quite a short qualifying list in this category for Turn 363. While we are short on volume, though, we certainly did have some quality to review. Leading the charge was Bandit’s ZERO, who was giving up 35 fights in receiving a challenge from Master Misfit’s ELEGANT SLIME. It should be noted that this is the second consecutive successful BC defense by ZERO, as he put down HYPERBOLIC FATIGUE on turn 362. Below please find the remainder of the underdog winners (fight disparity in parenthesis):

Bandit’s ZERO (35)
Drakus’ LOZANA (13)
Commandant Eitch’s YUMI-YARI (3)
Zeus’ TOXIC (3)
Silencer’s THUMP (1)

There certainly was a high volume of bad this turn, and bad that has been lingering in the arena and on the sands for the past several turns. At first, I didn’t want to believe it. I thought, “Hey, that was just a stupid challenge.” when I saw them. Now, however; I am beginning to view the trend for what it truly is: sandbagging, sandbagging most foul! That’s right, I said it, sandbagging. It’s fetid, miasmatic stench hangs over the stands, an affront to all other managers. Would this forum give me the ability, I would call SDan, Ill-Ox, Debbie-Duz-Death, and Boot Strap Billy to account for their actions over the past several turns. How many other blood challenges have been strictly arranged that have evaded detection? Perhaps those managers who are being spotted sending these questionable BCs should carefully consider your avoids, as the arena may take back some of these ill-gotten victories. Hang your heads, and let all other managers know your shame.

After reviewing the turn results, I was forced to commit a double-take and re-check all of the information. While the arena has been bloody in the past, and one-sided match ups are not uncommon, it appears that the arena has lost its collective mind. It is further disappointing to find an alliance-mate, Fusion, so prominently perched near the top of the ugly list. There were 15 qualifying match ups in Turn 363 that made it on the ugly list, which is almost double the previous total. As you read this, you may notice that the list below contains only 14 fights. This is accurate as one match up did make the list, but since the fight resulted in the utter pounding of one of the above-mentioned sandbagging managers, I gave it an administrative pass on the list. The list of the ugly is (fight, ranking disparity):

Sanguine’s WHOOP DDAMN DOO (100, 2155)
Chen Man Ching’s POP ROCK (72, 505)
Mongolian Knight’s ELVEN YELLOWOODS (54, 1446)
Missus Biggus’ CAPTAIN SHARPE (54, 1157)
Sleazee’s CORRUPTOROFTHEPURE (52, 717)
Fusion’s TUBOR (49, 479)
Shadow Master’s JERLIN (48, 773)
Validian’s ONE HIT BLUNDER (43, 1457)
Egor’s GRUNTER (37, 1179)
Ragnarok’s CLINT BREASTWOOD (36, 1682)
Egor’s SMATTY (35, 1249)
Mydgar Le Gnome’s ANNE BONY(28, 1214)
The Spoiler’s HURRICANE (23, 1252)
Validian’s THE ARENA WALL (23, 587)

I have a sense that something in this list will have an impact somewhere else in this issue. Call it a hunch.

Til next week loyal readers.

Manager of the Week discussion was heated this week, as when one looks at the overall records, only Sanguine Savior managed 19 wins in Turn 363, with two managers, including Poppa Balrog, compiling 18. Normally, Sanguine Savior would be a clear cut winner. Unfortunately, one major factor partially mitigates the difference in wins. Sanguine Savior earned (if one could call it that) one of his 19 wins in a major gigaton BC on a 5-Fight warrior by Whoop DDamn Doo. Meanwhile Poppa Balrog earned 18 wins while also up challenging and winning six times (though with one downwards BC that was significantly less ugly than Sanguine’s). Boot Strap Billy, meanwhile, compiled 18 wins himself while down challenging and winning twice.

Our staff deadlocked between the win at all costs crew and the win with honor crew, this week The Gazette chooses to split the Manager of the Week title between Sanguine Savior and Poppa Balrog (which given their history of contention, should prove both wildly unpopular and highly entertaining in the city this week).

With the split result of the top award, The Gazette chooses not to award a Runner Up this week. Our apologies to Boot Strap Billy.

Bandit’s Zero has now won five straight fights in Blood Challenges matches. While this would normally not be that big of an accomplishment, the last two of these wins were not on Zero’s terms and were against definitive down challenges.

Green Machine has now gone 5-0-3 since being eliminated from the UW Contest by Xavier’s Zar Hesta, including this turn’s kill of Frank's last Undefeated Warrior contestant, Dr. Strange.

“R.I.P. Performer! Looking forward to a fistful of BC's!” - Dux Mortalitas, jubilant after the completion of a challenge-kill by one of his Pitt Lords.

“Oh and speaking of Rawg, I was expecting that challenge by Pud... And now we all know why I wasn't too worried about it!” – Sleazee, continuing after covering Jurrg Deathscream’s death.

It appears to our reporters that Sleazee P. Martinee and Dux are mobilizing for all out war! They've been going head-to-head now since UW began. How much longer will it be?

Speaking of secret wars, Acheron found himself under a return onslaught from Dude Doomer in Turn 363, but also facing multiple challenges from Frank the Tank. Someone is clearly making friends and influencing people.

That's if for this week's edition of The Gazette! If you'd like to submit items for a future edition or provide feedback and clarifications, please pm them to my account on

-The Staff at The Pitt Gazette


Posts : 42

Back to top Go down

Back to top

- Similar topics

Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum