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Volume 1, Issue 16 - Turn 364

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Volume 1, Issue 16 - Turn 364

Post  lord_dragon on Fri Jun 03, 2011 4:41 pm

Welcome to another turn’s worth of information and opinion on everyone’s favorite blood sport!We’re gonna do something different around here this turn and get you right to the content. Enjoy!

Good evening my friends. It is I, your chaperone to the Blood Prom of the Veteran’s Blade, Raul Anjinarikar Siv. And much like the attire at these functions, I am being ripped apart by another exciting turn of the Undefeated Warrior and the alliance action within its borders.

And OH, what a feeling it is. With all three members of the Legion of Darkness warriors advancing to the eleventh round, the time of Raul being showered with money and the discarded veils of nearby (and eager) women approaches. Now, let me get my abacus. Carry the two, three green from the top. These warriors account for nearly 38% of the contestants left in the contest! For those who do not have advanced mathematical devices but know fractions, I present to you the concept of 3 / 8. Better still, for those who can only count on the hands, cut three of your fingers off and realize how badly it hurts! THAT is how likely it is the Lords of Darkness will once again take the title and bring to my beloved Padishah a vast purse of gold (and to me, not to mention, a tidy commission).

So let us look at what happened to the great lords this turn eh? Sorah Magdar was challenged by Xavier’s stable, and though I was too busy to see the fight in person (I tell you this beard will not shave itself!), there are rumors that Sorah had no trouble in putting down and perming a formidable foe. Blood Elder had a cake walk random against a fish, which is good as he is pescatarian, and Firebloom randomed against Falcon to win advancement. If this keeps up, I will be a very happy and wealthy man!

And, though I am not afraid, it bears noting that the only remaining Alliance fodder from GAPPDA also advanced to the round eleven without a loss. Aerdra the Punisher faced down a challenge from Drachir’s Fred and Boing Boing fended off a valiant but futile attempt by Lord Dragon for the win. Outnumbered, I am sure GAPPDA will not be in my report of round twelve except to receive a consolation prize. I clear my throat and repeat. They will lose.

And the last of the smaller alliances, Death in Effect, is out of the contest -- finally -- with Motherskille losing to Palor’s Oak, of his tree-themed team. Say that last part 5 times fast. I dare say you cannot. It was highly impressive to one such as I to see this warrior fend for itself challenge after challenge in the contest. There is no dishonor here, Motherskille, I would suggest celebrating your 10 round run by, say, eliminating or killing one of the GAPPDA contestants.
Oh, wait, but I misspoke. It has come to poor Raul’s ignorant attention that there is another alliance that has been around for a while and somehow our bookkeeping overlooked. STUD, which if I read the huge over-compensating plaque, correctly stands for Striving Towards Ultimate Domination. And Domination is indeed being displayed, as Rawg Brainsplatter, warrior of the only active member of the alliance, Sleazee P Martinee, continues to run naked across the field of victory. Stalker attempted to eliminate this grotesquely-named warrior to no avail. Rawg stands as likely the longest streaking fifty plus warrior in UW history. Now, put the clothes back on!

And as always, sadly, we turn to the filthy and insignificant unaligned. At this point there remain two. Yes, I know, but he’s an alliance man now, so I say two and not three. Sulfur, the young warrior of Silencer’s who continues to shoot rocket-like upwards and Poison, who, so sorry, killed one of Palor’s warriors this turn. I can only wonder if master Palor has something in mind, though any challenge Palor fields must come from a young team. Perhaps others will try and take out this undeserving warrior who has been spoon-fed wins from his two managerial friends for so long?

As a last note, I apologize for my tardiness of late, but it appears that legions of zombies had infested your streets a week ago and I had to navigate to your nearest pub and hole up to await your legionnaires rescue of my person. A thousand pardons. Until next week, Salaam and Good Hunting.

The turn is nigh in which the 100 Win Club will have one or possibly even two new members. How could the Gazetteer know this? Well, it’s a fairly simple thing when two of the contestants reach 99 wins in one turn. While D-Man’s M. Noirceur spent the turn stuck on 98 wins thanks to a challenge by Dux Mortalitas’ Hsab and Terminator’s Pimp Daddy was Slap Ho’d (how appropriate, Hosehead), both of our other contestants came up aces in random action. There’s probably no truth to the rumor that that Dux Mortalitas and Damion showered The Demon and Scotty Body with gifts and fruit baskets after this turn’s action in which Elfkiller beat Valandra and Geryon defeated Scrotum.

With two warriors directly on the cusp of 100 Wins now, the race tightens and the pulses quicken. Oddsmakers across the city are readying for brisk action this week, and well they should. Both warriors are getting good odds in standalone bets while in head-to-head, betting is favoring Elfkiller.

Without a miracle, it looks like M. Noirceur and Pimp Daddy will be left to fend for 100 Wins on their own. The Gazette will continue to cover this exciting race until they pass the milestone (or just plain pass). More exciting, several more warriors are inching their way up, with Scotty Body’s Suffering Overdue and Sleazee P. Martinee’s Rihn the Bladesinger at 95 wins and several other warriors at 94.

It’s apparently an excellent time to be a long-termer in Veteran’s Blade. The Gazette salutes all of these outstanding warriors.

Our arena spent an entire turn bereft of 100the Fight days, which always leaves this reporter feeling hollow and empty inside. Next turn brings a partial salve to the wound, however, in that DT Jesus, the last of Ilneval’s recent hyper-impressive suite of veterans to cross ascend to true veteran status. DT Jesus is no slacker either, bringing a 67-32-2 record to the sands for his grand 100th.

The Gazette sends good tidings to Ilneval and his warrior in turn 365.

Normally the Gazetteer leads off this section with a broad overview of the turn in kills, but considering the somewhat lackluster list of warriors that passed this turn, besides Seraphym, our staff has chosen to lead in a little differently this week.

In The Gazette’s first issue fourteen turns ago, we were proud to make note of two solid warriors from Izzboticus’ stable that had crossed the 100 Fight line together with excellent records and a lot of life ahead of them. We never expected that along with their many fans we would be bidding farewell to Chutzpah and Seraphym so soon, but as of Seraphym’s death this turn in random combat with Sanguine Savior’s Thingmaker (and Chutzpah’s demise two weeks back), both warriors now live on only in the memories of those who looked up to them..

Seraphym accrued 67 wins and 7 kills across 114 turns of action an excellent contribution to any stable, to be sure. Congratulations to Thingmaker for overcoming it and our condolences to the bereaved.

The remainder of the honored dead reads like a roll call of warriors that were not long for this world, as most of them were under water or barely nose above. As with most turns, the majority of the damage was done in random fights, but to shake things up The Gazette will cover both challenge deaths first.

Davron’s Elric spent his second straight turn carving a member of Hoffa’s stable into small, delectable chunks, this time on a challenge. While last turn’s victim was Winyah, it was Franklin’s turn in 364 to be turned into sandwich meats. The Gazette staff of reporters has not observed any previous war (of words, or otherwise) between Davron and Hoffa so we cannot comment on what might have driven Davron to follow up a random kill with even more punishment. When approached for comment after this turn’s action, Davron chose to focus on his warrior.

“After tasting a little Orc blood last week, Elric felt he needed to try something a little less pungent. Franklin was kind enough to oblige and ended up on the wrong end of Elric’s Trident. Tune in next week when Elric goes for the trifecta.”

Franklin goes down for the final count having squeaked with 36 wins in 71 fights alongside 3 kills.

The other veteran challenge-kill of the turn belonged to Vic Vegas’ pedestrian Basque who targeted and squashed Dude Doomer’s even shakier Fehpachir 3. It’s worth wondering if angry Vic did the No Bozo Squad member a favor by taking out the notable loser.

Fehpachir is mercifully euthanized having managed only 21 wins in 58 fights (with one kill).

The remaining four random kills of the turn mostly matched relatively helpless soon-to-be-dead warriors against fairly solid opponents. Only the death of Lord Dragon’s Elf Baby Face Eltyr defied this pattern, as Eltyr fell before Ragnarok’s murderous but slightly incompetent Joe Mama in an outcome that was shocking to both fans and experts alike.

Lord Dragon was resigned after the day’s combat, noting: “There isn't much to say. Baby Face started out a great warrior, but somewhere along the way started to lose. He was one of those warriors that I was willing to send to Monsters if his number of fights hadn’t been that high. Lately he’s been automatically counted as a defeat for my weekly records so he is better off dead.”

Baby Face Eltyr, like Franklin, settled his final record with one more win than losses, tallying 33 wins and 3 kills in 55 fights.

The three remaining dead veterans of the turn, Angel of Death’s Jeze Largesnout, Aconite’s Rustov, and the younger but more promising Mojo Jr. of Terminator’s stable, all faced out-size opponents in 364 and found themselves lacking. Poppa Balrog’s Jurop, Panther’s Domo and Xavier’s Not So Feinstein reaped what sheer luck delivered to them and came away with kills to show for their trouble.

Jeze Largesnout passed with 40 wins in 87 fights, Rustov stumbled to 31 wins in 77 fights and Mojo Jr. accrued 27 wins in 52 fights.

The Gazette salutes all warriors who managed veteran kills in Turn 364 and sends its condolences to the bereaved managers and fans of the departed.

Hello, and welcome to another addition of the Blood Challenge Roundup. Turn 364 saw 44 qualifying match ups, making it an average turn with respect to BC volume. We saw a slight up tick in BC defenses, which was not surprising, and also a drop off from the excessive number of ugly down challenges.

Turn 364, as noted, brought a slightly longer list of defenses. While none stood out as overly spectacular, all qualify as solid wins against a decent fight disadvantage. Special recognition for warrior ability and managerial skill goes out to Masterpitter, who claimed two successful mismatch BC defenses this turn, with both being double digit disparities in experience. Great Job! See below for a list of those to be honored (fight disadvantage in parentheses):

Debbie-Duz-Death’s LILITH (24)
Terminator’s TWISTED SISTER (23)
Masterpitter’s BLOODBATH (20)
Arch-Angel’s TAMA (18)
Caesar Invictus’ DEATH ADDER (16)
Masterpitter’s TYPO (14)
Poppa Balrog’s SCALLAITIS (12)
Tolome’s MAXIMAL PAIN (7)

The bad section remains headlined in shame by sandbaggers. While the numbers are not as egregious this turn, we did see a repeat of alleged Debbie-Duz-Death/Sdan collusion, where FABIO (now 0-3) BC’d up to throw another fight to MONGO SMASH. It’s worth noting that Sdan denies any foreknowledge and wrong-doing.

We did see a half-dozen or so repeat BC’s that ended in another win for the aggressors. This shameful list was headlined by GAPPDA’s own Fusion, who brought TUBOR down for another win against Master Misfit’s WICKER CORPSE. I shake my head.

Our list of the ugly is shorter than last turn, but no less detestable. Two of this turn’s three BC kills jump out of our ugly list, with Rangnarok’s LIVER LIPS dispatching Shane Davis’ JACK OF BLADES in one minute; followed by Solincar’s DEATH BLOW ending Poppa Balrog’s SHEILA SWEATERPUPPY in just two minutes. Sanguine’s WHOOP DDAMN DOO also put it to Palor’s JAVA for the second consecutive turn. We can only hope that JAVA can make it through turn 365 alive. The remainder of our ugly list….

Sanguine’s WHOOP DDAMN DOO (100, 2100)
Validian’s FIREBAT (88, 1920)
Wood’s PLAGUE (72, 1218)
Ragnarok’s LIVER LIPS (64, 1878)
Eca Za’s SIBERIAN (58, 1570)
Sleazee’s CORRUPTOROFTHEPURE (52, 697)
Lord Dragon’s GWOMIR (47, 1214)
Solincar Nelflan’s DEATH BLOW (45, 945)
Mongolian Knight’s ELVEN YELLOWOODS (41, 627)
Angel of Death’s GREENY (30, 634)
Danny D Bloody’s SHEILA (26, 1411)
Validian’s THE ARENA WALL (23, 580)

Another week, another distinctive spread of achievements and shameful displays in the Blood Challenge category. Till next week, sword high friends.

With two managers pulling in 19-6 records in Turn 364, calling Manager of the Week is once again a difficult task. Dux Mortalitas, while failing to haul in a kill, made more up challenges than down this week in compiling 19 wins. Davron also managed 19 wins, but topped it off with a kill. As the Gazette cannot declare a tie for Manager of the Week two turns in a row, the staff has decided to bestow Manager of the Week to Davron for compiling 19 wins and throwing in a kill of a 50+ warrior. Runner Up, therefore, goes to Dux Mortalitas for his own very strong showing.

Congratulations to both Davron and Dux Mortalitas on nearly indistinguishable turns of excellence.

Vic Vegas managed to accrue the most dishonor (a metric tracked unofficially by several gambling consortiums around the city) in Turn 364 with a sharp series of down challenges on JB Bladeswinger and Dude Doomer.

Continuing his angry tear through the ranks post-elimination from Undefeated Warrior, Green Machine added another kill, to extend his streak to 6-0-4. Rumors are that he's now got his sights set on FIREBLOOM, that is if he can avoid a few BCs.

"Not So Feinstein was in normal form, which is to say she was awful. In minute 3 she was bleeding from her mouth and elbow. Then the scrawny Elven guy loses his grip on his weapon and finds himself 'swinging' a war hammer around. I'm pretty sure that he didn't have any skills in that weapon. He was pronounced “Hysterical” at the scene by the Arena medic." - Xavier, shortly after Not So Feinstein’s slaying of Mojo Jr. this turn.

"His true calling was probably comedy. Shame to learn that 52 fights in." – Xavier, further commenting on the unfortunate series of events that led to Mojo Jr. handling an unfamiliar War Hammer.

“Sadly, I mourn the loss of another veteran warrior in the Pit. Seraphym joined my stable years ago, part of an experiment with a few different warriors using XXX Swords. She preformed admirably, despite her small stature. She killed many warriors and suffered from few permanent injuries in her later years, all while holding a decent record. In the end, though, she suffered a crushing death to Thingmaker in what was a very, very close fight. Someday, revenge will be found... but first I need to get a fresh batch of veterans to the 100 mark.” – Izbotticus, commenting after the day’s fights

“Not a lot to say, Thingy did what I pay him to do. It was an easy, bloody fight for him. I was pretty drunk, though, when I watched the fight and haven't had a chance to view any scryed replays yet, so maybe Izzbot will disagree. Either way his guy is dead and Thingy just tied the record for Half-Orc kills [at 13]. Two more to go to beat Darius. Then he will retire... a monster.” – Sanguine Savior, savoring Thingmaker’s milestone in a tavern after this turn’s action.

”Meh.” – Thingmaker, after this turn’s slaying of Seraphym.

After witnessing the latest battle between Pain and Gideon, spectators around the arena could not stop talking about what a bloodbath the match was. At least one veteran manager expressed his opinion that he would not be shocked if one of those ancient warriors did not survive another fight of that caliber.

Rumors are circling the city this week that noted Ancient manager The Warlord has disappeared from the city. Activity around his training compound has been muted the past two weeks and his warriors have remained idle with no one to submit turn paperwork to the Competition Committee. As the Gazette learns more about The Warlord’s absence, we will relay it to you, our loyal readers.

Damion (aka Sons of Satan) sat two teams this week. Coincidentally, both teams are those that Damion typically registers into team fights. Is the recent increase in team fight deaths giving team fight managers the jitters? Shopslave has not been seen in the city in weeks either, though the Gazette staff suspects this is for unrelated reasons.

That's if for this week's edition of The Gazette! If you'd like to submit items for a future edition or provide feedback and clarifications, please pm them to my account on

-The Staff at The Pitt Gazette


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