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Volume 1, Issue 23 - Turn 371

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Volume 1, Issue 23 - Turn 371

Post  lord_dragon on Fri Jun 03, 2011 5:09 pm

Welcome all to the 23rd issue of the Pit Gazette, serving the Veteran’s Blade community for almost one half of a year.

Turn 371 once again saw events both newsworthy and mundane, and we’re here to cover the former at the very least. Zurn Bloodbringer is dead. Raul and Cliff Banana are here as usual.

There’s no point beating around the bush, so away we go.

Last turn, our fine publication noted that Zurn Bloodbringer had joined the Blood Master’s Monsters in Turn 354. For seventeen turns, Sleazee P. Martinee’s former Half-Orc had joined cohorts such as Ratyr and, more recently, Lord Darius, in cleansing our fair arena of warriors that were not up to their managers’ high (so-called) standards of quality. Ratyr, Zurn and Lord Darius each performed this function having fought their way onto the Monsters team in a death match with a former team member. Indeed. Zurn was the first former Pit gladiator to kill another former gladiator in Monster combat: Nefindil, one of two warriors MJ had landed on The Monsters before retiring. Was it only fitting, therefore, that when Nads sent his long-lived but broken-down (and appropriately named) Elf Pain into a death match that he would draw Zurn Bloodbringer rather than one of the two remaining original monsters?

Fitting, perhaps, but a sad day indeed for many pit fans and certainly for Sleazee P. Martinee.

With the arena seating full to capacity and many fans standing in crowded aisles, thousands were on hand to see Pain face a monster. When Zurn emerged from the Monster Gate there was an audible mixture of shock, excitement and disappointment from the stands. Certainly some amount of disappointment came from those with wagers on the participants who had been betting against the remaining Zombies (Big Ben and Jake) surviving the fight, but a sizeable contingent of Zurn fans also drew in breath in anticipation. After all, there is no truer test of any Monster than a warrior who has survived through 250 fights.

In the end, though both warriors got in their blows, Pain seemed in control the whole way and Zurn fell demolished. After the match, Sleazee P. Martinee put Zurn’s life and death in context with some final words.

“Zurn always had a hard time against the lunger types due to his slowness, so it doesn't surprise me that Pain handled him so easily. That's why I don't recruit Half-Orcs like him anymore. My new breed of Orcs tend to not have the weakness Zurn and many of my older Orcs had. I guess this can be chalked up to experience. I was proud of all Zurn's accomplishments because he was able to do some amazing things even with his faults. Besides how many managers out there can say that a warrior they recruited on their 8th week of being on the sands did as much as Zurn? He became the longest lived Half-Orc in the Pit and achieved Monster status. During his 17 weeks as a Monster he sent 174 souls to serve his unholy master, Yurtrus the White-Handed, the Orcish God of Death. I wish the best for Zurn even in death as he commands legions of troops for his lord of death in hell.”

The Gazette staff salutes Zurn Bloodbringer, Half-Orc trend-setter, wherever his soul resides.

Hello my friends. It is I, once again, Raul Anjinarikar Siv, at your service. By now you must be asking, what does Raul have to say? Why should he concern me? Is he not the lap dog of his master the Padishah and is not the flapping of his tongue nothing but raw insults to try and change the outcome of betting games? Well, I have good answers for at least one of those questions. There was once a time, an age long ago, when a group known as the Blood Lords ruled the roost. They chased out single managers, preyed on the weak, and lowered the betting odds universally in almost any contest. Now, however the monopoly on cooperation is not limited to one group, but six groups of people. And I tell you my friends, they are at each others throat.
And if you don't listen to Raul, you may not realize that your small, rabbit-like warriors sit helplessly around as a wolf-pack waits to feed after taking down the competition. That's right! I, and only I, will keep you tuned in so that you know how to fill out your three avoid slots. So listen carefully.

One of the best ways to see what is going on between these cattle-sized groups of people is to see what their top guns are doing. Today we look at the top ranked warrior of each alliance and how they chose to spend this lovely summer day.

First and foremost is STUD, meaning that they have the highest-ranked alliance warrior: Negative Evil, ranked sixth. The Martinee was not strong (probably served by the bartender at Dux's Tavern, a notoriously watered-down establishment), and fell to Asagio, Poeg's number two warrior. It would appear that STUD's hate of the Lord's of Darkness is well-earned, as Negative Evil was still not “good” at the end of 4 minutes.

And a fitting follow up to Asiago's performance was Saber’s, fending off a challenge from Rihn the BladeSinger and winning handily. Saber is the Lord's of Darkness top gun, ninth in the total rankings. The BladeSinger was no match for the blade-namesake, adding to the failure of STUD this turn in the top levels.

But STUD did have its moments. Someone must tell Fusion's GAPPDA that the Undefeated Warrior contest is over, and there is no reason to field warriors against Rawg Brainsplatter willingly. GAPPDA's top gun, Tubor of Fusion's stable, decided it might be a good idea to risk death by going under the knife (or halberd, as the case may be). Tubor is ranked 54, and represents GAPPDA's youth, as well as ultimate failure to break into the top 50.

I can hear it now, why Raul did you not mention me before Tubor, I am ranked 16th and have more warriors before that even. Do not question how I write, it is in the way of my people to write in a non-linear fashion. But for a small deposit into my account, you will be first next time. Of course I speak of Sanguine Savior and his top ranked warrior Mystical Charade. He lost to Stacie, a Pit Bunny, in a random match. This is suspect, as I saw no less than two of Scotty Body's Pit Bunnies on the arms of Mystical Charade the night before at the Rosy Palm Tavern. Drugging? Bribery? Prostitution? All three? There are many professional sport leagues in our great city, such as Chariot Racing and Bocce Ball, that have gone down this path. It pains me to see Mystical Charade corrupted, as such bringing down the sport as a whole. The youth, they look up to you my friend; do not consort with warriors of ill-repute.

But it wouldn't be an alliance report without an ironic lack of bozos. Of course Dude Doomer maintains the spot as the most senior member of his No Bozo Squad with Barbaq 3, ranked 84, who easily fended off Plunder Cat in a random match (which is no small feat, I tell you). Will there be a sequel or even a prequel to Barbaq 3 after his death? Allow me to suggest Barbaq 0, the phantom warrior. I charge nothing for this advice, knowing how taxed the creative fountain of the Dude is.

Lastly, our youngest and most feminine of alliances, the Facilitators of Fatalities. Missus Bigus unsurprisingly leads the Charge with Azazello, ranked 191. Obviously no contracts exist for people's lives as Azazello simply randomed against Caesar’s Crusader and tossed him like a salad. Do not be fooled by Azazello's record my friends; it is only a matter of time before the sand is out of the bag and bludgeoned over your head.

There, as I told you, very informative, well worth the cost. What, no one told you? At least one shekel of your Gazette purchase now goes into the Raul’s Children Charity fund, the first For Profit Charity organization for children. My children, that is. Our motto is 'Give a child a shirt and he is clothed for a day, teach a child to sew, and he'll clothe others for a lifetime.' It has a certain ring, I think. Until next time, Salaam and Good Hunting.

No word has emerged now in weeks as to the fate of Geryon and his manager Damion. The city’s chief magistrate has begun an investigation into the disappearance of the entire stable from town, but with no leads and little vital interest outside the Arena complex, the Gazette does not expect a significant finding to come out of the probe. Therefore, we henceforth will cease to count Geryon in the race to 100 Wins and focus entirely on the two remaining contestants, Poeg’s Asiago and Stalker’s Popper.

Speaking of, it seemed a foregone conclusion last turn that Popper would cross the 100 Win barrier first, leaving Asiago to be the last of the current wave to achieve this amazing milestone. After all, Popper was sitting at 99 wins already while Asiago was 3 wins from the big One Zero Zero going into Turn 371. The race just got tighter this turn, though, with Asiago challenging and beating Sleazee P. Martinee’s Negative Evil in hot Dwarf-on-Dwarf action and Popper falling to Dux Mortalitas’ Half-Orc Elfkiller in a singles match.

Still, tie and record remains on Popper’s side, as he only has to win next turn to beat Asiago to 100 Wins. Indeed, for Asiago to win this race would require Popper to lose every turn until Asiago wins 99 and 100. The Gazette staff figures this to be extremely unlikely, but we do hear that the betting men among us are finding solid odds in the Bookkeeper’s Quarter for Asiago. With a little luck, this could end well for both Poeg and the ne’er-do-wells among us.

So, will turn 372 end the current Race to 100 Wins? Tune in next week to find out.

Angel of Death returned from a brief hiatus in Turn 371, which graced our fair city with two qualifying 100th Fight days on the weekend. The first, that of Veruk Jupin, saw Angel’s warrior enter the ring under the challenge of Tolome’s older, lossier Stumpette. Stumpette proved, however, to be the better warrior on this turn at least, sending Veruk to a loss on his very special day, but sealing a decent 55 win record at 100 Fights. Elsewhere, Sleazee P. Martinee reached out, hoping for a win, in a significant downchallenge of 35 fights on Panther’s Domo. The desired win was not in the cards of Eisa She-Fire of Ice, though, who surmounted the 100 Fight plateau with 47 wins and a kill.

It’s not often that we have two candidates come up for their 100th Fight day together and even rarer that both lose. Here’s hoping for better results on future turns in which more than one warrior will hit 100 Fights.

Speaking of multiple warriors crossing 100 Fights on the same turn, we are about to begin a run in which we should see several qualifying turns. That said, Turn 372 will not be one of them, as not one warrior has 99 Fights going into next weekend. There’s much to be said for the four turns following though.

Leading this charge are several warriors whose managers entered our city’s fair contests for the first time just about two full years ago. For example, GAPPDA’s 100+ ranks are due to swell from turn 373 to 376 nearly twice over, as three warriors managed by Fusion and Xavier prepare to face the 100 Fight plateau. The closest of these to the summit are Fusion’s two oldest warriors, Halfling Mammy (64-34-3) and Dwarf Tubor (66-32-1), both with outstanding records approaching this major milestone and due to cross in Turn 373. Two turns later, they and Poppa Balrog’s Abbic and Jurop should also be joined by Xavier’s oldest surviving warrior, diminutive Human Zander the Wanderer (with his slightly less thrilling, but still solid current record of 52-43-0). The final manager from the new generation with a warrior within 5 fights of his 100th, though not a member of GAPPDA, is Acheron. His Dwarf Robin Williams, carrying an excellent 66-29-7 record at 95 fights, is due to join Zander the Wanderer at 100 Fights at the close of Turn 376. The Gazette sends good vibes in the direction of all three managers, all of whom have yet to manage a warrior in the 100+ ranks.

Looking further, and including the Ancients and long term Veterans of our city (managers for whom 100 Fights is something of a common occurrence comparatively) we find several more warriors due to hop across the line between Turns 373 and 376: Poeg and his Half-Elf Rucker’s Red (the winningest of the coming crop, with a 70-25-8 record to date), Davron and his Dwarf Lemur (55-41-3 as of 371), Izzboticus and his Half-Orc Hobbes (52-45-3), Scotty Body and Human Ozzy (50-46-3) and Nads with his ill-named Human Elf of the Year (who spent a few early turns fighting with teammates, but has earned his 54-42-1 record mostly on his own).

Finally, Jim the Half-Ogre will send noted team-fighter Achilles 2 across the plateau within 5 turns as well, completing the list of accomplished 100 Fight contestants.

It is exceedingly pleasing to the Gazette staff to be able to look forward and view such a solid wave of warriors on the very cusp of the 100+. No doubt this wave, if it makes it across complete will make the upper bracket even more competitive than it is now. After all, of the warriors noted above, only Ozzy hasn’t clinched a winning record at 100 Fights, though he has 4 more turns in which to do so.

Good luck to all of the warriors above over the next 5 or so turns. The Gazette would be happy if all of them lived to see their day in the sun.

As if in the calm before a storm, Turn 371 brought us no 100+ deaths and only five total qualifying murders for the Notable Deaths section. So upside-down was the turn, in fact, that notable manager of non-killers, Acheron, led the way with two of the five kills that did make our list (which does not, for various reasons, include Pain’s kill of Monster-ized Zurn) Certainly our arena complex has rarely been home to odder turns of events.

Starting with the oldest warrior to die this turn, we come to Lord Kelvin’s Human Gladius Decimaetus, who died in singles combat at the hands of Acheron’s oldest warrior and only real killers, Robin Williams.

Acheron spoke briefly on the kill as he left the manager’s box after the fight, noting, “Robin Williams last met Gladius many moons ago, and has now compiled 5 wins against Lord Kelvin’s stable over his lifetime. This was an unfortunate meeting and an unfortunate ending. We bow to Gladius’ life and achievements and mourn that we robbed Lord Kelvin of him three fights short of 100.”

Gladius Decimaetus cut his way to 49 wins and 2 kills in 97 turns among the living.

Death matches between two gladiators not involving a Monster are a relatively rare thing in Veteran’s Blade these days. That didn’t stop Poppa Balrog from issue a death match challenge to Sanguine Savior and Horror-teria, but it did end up costing Uncle Tommy his life, as the first of what was to be three turns of combat ended permanently on the first try.

Uncle Tommy expires having managed 41 wins but zero kills in 70 turns within our Veteran’s Blade arenas.

While Uncle Tommy’s challenge left him on the wrong side of a grave stone, the same was not true for The Badman’s Ludwig, who issued forth and demolished Egor’s less-than-stellar Human Cronk in a 4 minute marathon of a challenge match.

Cronk leaves his fan (that’s right, fan, singular) bereaved having stumbled to 38 losses matched with only 25 wins and a kill in 63 matches.

Moving now to the only other random kill of the turn (besides Robin v. Gladius) we find Lady Templar losing one of her 10 50+ warriors, Lumpy the Plugger, in a random match with Mongolian Knight’s excellent Half-Elf Montana.

Lumpy ends his days having plugged away at 36 wins and 2 kills in 64 turns of combat.

And finally we reach the lone qualifying BC kill of the turn, as Acheron’s Megaton added insult to Lord Kelvin’s injury by squashing his Elf Chaos on a 25 Fight downchallenge.

“Lord Kelvin managed and trained Chaos to pile up kills with those nasty little short swords she carried. Granted that she had 6 kills by her 52nd fight, I suspect she would have threatened Moss’ kill record for her race in the long run. That same reckless disregard for her opponents, however, is exactly why I sent Megaton down on her not once but twice. Siren’s Song is avenged. Megaton awaits Lord Kelvin’s return strike.”

Chaos dies having strewn disorder about the arenas for 53 turns, bringing 27 wins and 6 kills to Lord Kelvin’s stable.

And so ends another Notable Deaths round-up, for once short and bittersweet. The Gazette staff sends its condolences to those who cared for the lost and salutes those who shepherded them into the final wilderness.

Much like the domestication of the dog, the Gazette Report continues unabated as does the BC Roundup. Our results from the most recent round saw a bit of an unusual turn, as the general theme from last turn held true again: relatively few overall Blood Challenges with the Ugly outweighing the Good.

Apparently defending against BC’s is no longer the glamorous endeavor it once was, as Turn 371 saw very few successful BC defenses. Continuing in Bizarro Pit, we had Sleazee as one of the managers on the wrong side of a mismatch challenge, but on the right side of the victory. Sadly we did not have a single manager with the warrior skill and managerial wherewithal to deliver a 3+ BC victory round this turn. Though few in number and lacking in impressive stature, we certainly cannot overlook the accomplishments of the few warriors that did deliver this turn or the managers who love them.

Solincar Nelflan’s WARSPEAR (7)
Sleazee P Martinee’s CELTIC FROST (5)
Chaoshadow’s SIR RUDOLPH 7744 (4)
Boot Strap Billy’s HAMHOCK (4)

He tried it once, and it didn’t work. He tried it twice and, well, it still didn’t work. The Warlord was victim to another difficult BC turn, registering 3 losses against a single victory. Perhaps it is with some consolation that The Warlord did manage to win one of the two challenges he issued, bringing a two turn total of 3 BC wins against 8 BC losses (meaning he had an equally unimpressive 2 wins versus 5 losses on the 7 challenges issued over the past cycles). However; it must be noted, that The Warlord was an unwilling target of the malevolent Hosehead, falling prey to two horrific downwards BCs. Joining The Warlord on the list of the Bad was The Overlord, or, in this case, The(Warlord + Overlord). Ah, math humor! The Overlord suffered a 3 loss BC turn, however; without issuing a single challenge himself.

Continuing as our Grand Poobah of the Ugly is our erstwhile central lands manager, Hosehead. The Hoser applied his unfair challenges as so much ointment on an unscratchable itch, registering another 3 BC victories. Perhaps anger management is in order for Hosehead? Or, more likely, with the consecutive turns of attack on The Warlord, a bloodletting mini-conflict might be in order? It remains to be seen if this was a mere coincidental opportunity for evil, or the opening stanza of a true war of stables. As noted, our list of the Ugly is far more impressive (depending on your point of view) than our list of the Good, with a solid core of truly, truly unmatched contests.

Hosehead’s SPOO (166)
Dux Mortalitas’ HSAB (137)
Scotty Body’s SCROTUM (85)
Lady Templar’s THE HOBBIT (58)
Danny D Bloody’s CHUCK THE BARKEEP (54)
Hosehead’s DAMNAND BLAST (46)
Ted Supreme’s TOUCHE REKTAL 2 (38)
Ilneval’s CYDONIA (34)
Angel of Death’s VICTR (33)
Ffunker’s MICHAEL (30)
Acheron’s MEGATON (25)

While Hosehead has registered back-to-back turns of fairly unparalleled mismatches, the true bottom of the abyss has become the exclusive domain of one. The standard bearer for inequity can now only be considered to be Ilneval. With wanton disregard for decency, and malice of forethought, Ilneval’s CYDONIA did indeed try to slay PINKY. For what, you may ask? For the random killing of a rather inconsequential warrior, who, truth be told, actually smelled quite bad, and is not probably better off for the entire exchange. Ilneval, your evil knows no bounds.

[Editor’s Note: There was clearly no bias in the above selection for Ugly BC of the Week. Clearly.]

VIC VEGAS' <!--[if gte vml 1]> MANAGER OF THE WEEK
A single, blood-curdling scream flew from the arena as one particularly attentive fan realized that Solincar Nelflan had cinched the top spot for this week’s manager ratings, a full hour before the arena shut down operations for the day. The wily LoD veteran blew away the competition, beating the next in line, Hosehead, by a full three victories.

Two turns in a row the esteemed Manager of the Week title is bestowed upon a strategist who chose not to strategize, sending all of his gladiators into random match ups. I suppose the previous statement deserves an asterisk, though, as Solincar Nelflan did send the green What The! to his doom in a pre-determined match against Big Ben The Zombie. The fact that Solincar achieved 21 wins while monstering a warrior and defending against a blood challenge from an opponent with 35% more fight experience makes his accomplishment even more impressive.

HAIRDEMON (196) (4-0-0) beat DESPAIRICUS (998) (2-4-0) 3 min
BONERAGE (196) (9-3-0) subdued IRONBAR (1395) (9-1-0) 4 min
GUN-RUNNER (196) (2-0-0) overcame ZLAKAA (1458) (1-1-0) 4 min
GUTBEARD (196) (10-4-0) defeated BOB (1247) (7-10-0) 3 min
MAELSTROM (205) (17-14-1) diced MR NICE (972) (19-16-1) 3 min
NORLIK (205) (84-56-7) flambéed KEEBLER MAXIMUS (5) (68-63-3) 2 min
DREAM SLAYER (205) (39-19-0) crunched LIGHTWEIGHT (367) (33-41-0) 2 min
SHARIMA (215) (26-33-0) denied ANGEL DIAZ (1116) (26-18-1) 3 min
THULZUK (215) (38-38-3) smacked YIPPIE KI YEA (995) (45-36-0) 2 min
TIMESPIRAL (215) (21-6-1) was victorious over CALEMBREDAINE (1130) (19-16-2) 2 min
INFERNAL DESTRUCTION (215) (14-7-0) edged out NUMB (376) (10-11-0) 3 min
STORMRIDER (219) (5-1-0) averted disaster against PULK (244) (2-8-0) 2 min
STAMP (219) (5-1-0) left his mark on BIG MEANNIE (1363) (3-5-0) 2 min
FALLINGSTAR (219) (3-4-0) landed on BOB (1412) (3-3-0) 3 min
THUNDERSPIKE (219) (6-0-0) spiked REX MUNDI (1349) (1-13-0) 2 min
RISHANA (233) (48-27-3) rocked HURRICANE (730) (42-31-3) 1 min
EZRULE (233) (4-1-0) showed his dissatisfaction with LORD UNGULIUS (634) (3-2-0) 3 min
DRAGON WARRIOR (233) (55-19-2) conquered HAPPY TIME HARRY (445) (47-23-6) 2 min
MULLET (233) (22-9-1) banished LUICIFER (1216) (21-13-1) 3 min

ERODEKA (205) (27-27-0) stopped ONE HIT BLUNDER in his tracks (524) (20-39-0)* 1 min
WARSPEAR (215) (6-8-1) neutered BLUE VULTURE SINGING (735) (16-5-0)+ 3 min

SILENTFURY (205) (1-2-0) lost to WEALHTHEOW (1451) (2-1-0) 3 min
RED WING (233) (55-54-2) was beaten by ETERNAL DARKNESS (266) (65-45-1) 4 min
DUSTI (219) (21-10-3) was defeated by SCALLAITIS (780) (22-9-2) 2 min

What The! Was demolished by Big Ben The Zombie in 2 minutes

Even though Solincar failed to prematurely end the careers of any gladiators this turn, he makes his first appearance as the Manager of the Week does so in great style. Only four other singles managers have pieced together 21 victories in a single turn, though Sleazee P Martinee stands apart from the rest with his stunning 22-3-0 record from turn 351.

Ffunker’s Tidbit of the Turn: The most Dwarf-friendly managers in the arena at the moment are a mix of surprising (Nads, really?) and unsurprising (Poeg and Davron). Leading the way is Nads, with 13 active Dwarves, followed by Poeg with 12, and Boot Strap Billy, Davron and Stimpy with 9 each.

“Doesn’t anybody have anything controversial to say this turn? Anyone? Please?” – Lord Dastardos, coordinator of post-fight press conferences for the arena complex.

As happens occasionally, Mygdar Le Gnome posted a number of bills around the Gazette offices clearly meant for public consumption. We reprint them here in their entirety.

“The Mighty Gnôme feels really concerned about Validian's sanity. Knowing a death mark has been set upon Gnomewrecker for three turns, cunning Validian simply decided to shoot first...
So Gnomewrecker (down)challenged two members of Miggy’s stables on the last two turns.
Of course, we needn't comment on such a dishonorable behavior, but can someone just explain us how he managed to lose twice in the process? Maybe Gnomewrecker is showing signs of suicidal tendencies. Don't worry, Miggy will solve the problem and send you a cure. Or does Validian just regard sending his glads to The Gnôme as a kind of monstering? Time will tell.
’Til then, Mygdär suggests that the "Monstered" expression should be changed to "Gnomewrecked".”

“Message from Mygdär Le Gnôme to Lord Dragon:
Will Sorah Magdar face his destiny or will fear make him change its pants?
The Mighty Gnôme is waiting for the Lord Of Drags to tell him which gladiator Sorah would dare to face, on a fair challenge and a single fight! Cyl "L"Ensorceleuse" or Calembredaine should be fair opponents: choose now or die of eternal shame.”

That's if for this week's edition of The Gazette! If you'd like to submit items for a future edition or provide feedback and clarifications, please pm them to my account on

-The Staff at The Pitt Gazette

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