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Volume 1, Issue 28 - Turn 376

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Volume 1, Issue 28 - Turn 376

Post  lord_dragon on Fri Jun 03, 2011 10:16 pm

Welcome to the 28th issue of the Pit Gazette, Veteran's Blade's premiere newsrag. The Manager Spotlight is on a brief hiatus this week due to the release of an obscure novel about a 17-year old wizard and his adventures in an unfamiliar place and time which distracted The Gazetteer for one full day of our normal publication cycle. Otherwise, we are proud to be able to present all of our usual coverage of the turn that was.

Onwards and upwards.

Who’s your daddy? Codfather Industries™ is, that’s who. Codfather gives you, the discerning gladiator, the weapons, gadgets, and accessories you need for your Pit battles! This week, and this week only, Codfather is offering an introductory offer to Veteran’s Bladers, the Moon Blade™ line of Codfather gladiatorial axes. Our Moon Blade axes are offered in all the latest styles and sizes for all you crazies out there.

The Mini-Moon™ Hatchets are perfect for the weight conscious consumer who may be interested in encumbrance issues, yet doesn’t want to sacrifice on quality. Our Dwarven experts insure the quality of all our Moons, but pay particular attention to the balance of our Hatchets for the gladiator who would rather hurl from afar rather than stand toe-to-toe with the latest trend in hourglass-styled warriors.

The new Quarter Moon™ Francisca offers increased damage potential, while not any true depreciation in speed. They too are perfectly balanced throwing axes, famous in all the competitions world-wide.
Disclaimer: Veteran's Blade rules prohibit throwing of Franciscas on the dueling sands. As a result Codfather Industries cannot offer refunds to warriors or managers if they aren’t ejected from a match for doing so.

We here at Codfather Industries are especially proud of our Battle Axes. Just for you, we offer the Half-moon Battle Axe. The Half-Moon blade is perfectly balanced on a sturdy shaft of red oak. We use only the finest seasoned oaks and after you grasp our shaft and use our trusty Battle Axes, you’ll know why red oak is our wood of choice.

Yet some warriors are looking for a little something extra because a Half-Moon just won’t do. By popular demand, we have continued to produce our Full-Moon double-bladed Great Axe line of Moon Blades. Ever toss an insult to your foe and wonder how they didn't get it? We know as warriors you can’t always remember to lash out with blood curdling cries of terror in the heat of battle. Sometimes the best course of action is to give them your Full-Moon. That they’ll understand!

But if you’ve got the bulk and muscle to handle it, and you want the extra leverage associated with it, we’ve added twice the shaft to our Full-Moon to offer you the Double Full-Moon Pole Axe variety. We caution you however as some friends (and foes alike) can’t handle a Full-Moon, so you just never know what’s going to hit you if you break out a Double Full-Moon.

Whether it be the new Mini-Moon hatchets, the Double Full-Moon Pole Axe, or anything in between, Codfather has you covered. Dwarven folk should inquire about special pricing and benefits when talking to a sale representative near you.

Important Note: Codfather wishes every civic-minded duelist to observe local weapon and dueling laws when purchasing and/or using any of this equipment. Codfather cannot take responsibility for unlawful use of our merchandise.

Hello friends, I, Raul Anjinarakar Siv, brings you another exciting issue of intrigue, mystery, and twelve lucky numbers you can use for a chance at Veteran’s Blade popular lottery. Yes, today we will look at the latest gossip, and I am, as always, your gossip magnet. We delve into the recent yammering plaguing the halls of our city's fine eating establishments and look at who is on the receiving end of those vicious alliance challenges. Come, let us feast on what my spymasters have to report!

And why don’t we skip the appetizers and get right to the cooked bird? Yes, it appears that Poppa Balrog’s incessant taunting has brought the attention of the Council of the Cauldron upon him. More specifically, it appears that Sanguine Savior is upset at his lack of willingness to face fight deficits upwards of 100. Now, some of you may say, this is cowardice! I, for one, ask you, how much tax revenue was lost because the expected large-crowd drawing slaughterfests did not occur? Is this not a concern of the Blade Competition Committee? Could this, in no small way, be considered Tax Evasion? I only bring this up in interest of the state, it has nothing to do with the popular pulp dismemberment stories I like to sell through a separate distributor, I assure you.

Despite a certain lack of attendance in the arena, Poppa Balrog’s compatriots faithfully but cautiously came to what appeared to be lukewarm defense. In response, the Council of the Cauldron’s other members sighed a collective ‘what?’ not realizing that full out war had almost been declared. Ah, the trials and tribulations of a ten plus member alliance. More difficult than herding cats. Like herding, well the only thing that is more difficult than cats is women, or at least where I am from, but we do not allow crowds to form for obvious reasons.

But the Cauldron’s trouble bubbles may be brewing in a different direction as your outlander playwright might say. It appears that Poeg’s unrequited love for Sleazee P Martinee has finally been answered! The two lovebirds where seen challenging and fighting each other for the past several turns, but now it appears that Poeg has come up like water from the well and scored a 9-2 turn which included Rucker’s Red repelling an audacious challenge by Celtic Frost from the drink-named manager. This can only end as so many Grecian tragedies do, with a big energy ball and gibberish that no one understands.

But it appears that if Sleazee cannot beat his wife he will kick his dog. Or his dragon. They are similar these creatures, no? Now, I know right now orders are flying from the pen and dragons are fuming. It was a joke. I am not saying that all dragons are dogs or all dogs are dragon. All I am saying is this. All dragons are, in fact, dogs. And like a dog did Sleazee treat Lord Dragon, throwing two challenges at His Scaleyness and ending the life of the shortest of dragon warriors, Gnomish. I for one will miss the warrior, his antics on the battlefield and in the circus ring were truly something to behold.

Mysteries reveal themselves to finders of knowledge, and one such nugget was found this week. The answer to the question which we all wish to know: "who was being hunted like a baby?" Well, it was apparently D-man’s Kallevala Celeste, leaving from the same final door that so many have over the years at the hand of Luz the Evil, one of Lord Dragon’s finest and oldest warriors. I for one do not hunt babies, but Kallevala Celeste had a face that only a mother could love, so in this way I suppose it was like a baby. Who am I trying to fool, it makes no sense, even to me. And still, some mystery remains!

But what of the rest of the LoD? Surely they are joining with Poeg and Lord Dragon in striking as a collective unit against the masses of the Cauldron? Well this turn did see Palor launching a mini assault on Xavier, but aside from that, we have, well, pretty much nothing. That’s right, you can count all the non-Blood challenges issued by the rest of the LoD on one hand, and that’s after you lost three fingers in a tragic butcher accident. Perhaps we could keep the initials of the alliance but change the words to be Lords of Ducks. As in Sitting.

And while we are on the subject of alliances that don’t do anything, let’s not forget that GAPPDA is sitting on its duff of late. Apparently beer drinking has been more important to the likes of Fusion, Marius, Staple Gun, and Hoffa, and we see a scant challenge from the Fruit from the Precipice. A risk to his honor title I am thinking this is. I can only hope this is the lull before the sand storm.

Rounding out our other alliances, we note that the leader of FoF Chaoslillith must be unemployed, as no challenges were issued by her. Perhaps resting to play kingmaker for the upcoming competition? It also should be of note that if your name continues to be J B Bladesinger you may wish to consider issuing your avoids; one versus Ted Supreme, another vs. Dude Doomer, and then Ted Supreme again for giggles. Because apparently they are not done having their way with you.

Well friends, that is the news of the block. A safe time to be in Veteran’s Blade, as long as you are not a baby apparently. Salaam and good hunting.

A tremendous turn for 100th Fight Days, 376 was indeed, as four brand new members of what Pit veterans call the "100+" were inaugurated into this semi-exclusive club. Among these members were two new first-timers, Xavier with his Human Zander the Wanderer, who challenged and defeated Tolome's Half-Elf Speedy for his 55th win, and Acheron's extra-furry Dwarf Robin Williams, whose renowned Coke habit is apparently beginning to take a toll as he visibly stumbled his way to his 33rd loss in a singles fight against Chen Man Ching's Human Autotroph. Also coming out of the day with 100 full notches on their belts were Poeg's signature Half-Elf, Rucker's Red (fending off Sleazee P. Martinee's challenger, Celtic Frost for his 75th win) and Jim the Half-Ogre's Human Achilles 2 (who, along with team fight partner Pocket Hercules, stomped on JB Bladeswinger's 2-man Code of Valor team this turn). Congratulations to all four managers on this nigh unprecedented achievement. They made warriors a bit differently back in Turn 276 and 277, one must guess.

Jim the Half-Ogre will follow up the 100th Fight Day of Achilles 2 this weekend past by shepherding another warrior, Flounder 2, into the superveteran ranks in turn 377. Like Achilles 2, Flounder comes to this occasion having spent a lot of his time in team fights. Good luck next turn, Flounder 2.

Why just a week ago in this spot our editorial staff were lamenting a notable lack of warriors with more than 100 Fights ending up six feet under. Apparently the referee took considerable offense to this sidewise criticism and allowed two warriors in the 100+ to "go all the way", to turn a phrase. Among the 11 qualifying dead we will provide some coverage on this turn, D-Man's Kallevala Celeste and Ilneval's DT Jesus will surely be the most missed among the fans (and at least one will be just as or more missed by his manager, if we might be so bold to say so). Another interesting trend, though not disturbing to the Gazette, this turn, was that all four qualifying kills on challenges this turn involved the permanent elimination of a losing warrior. Could this signal an organized culling, perhaps related to the betting syndicates that have begun to work more openly within our fair city? Only Chaoslillith likely knows.

Beginning, as they say, at the beginning, we come first to Lord Dragon's Luz the Evil, who was sent on a challenge at the aforementioned Kallevala Celeste, D-Man's oldest remaining fighter not named "M. Noirceur". It took slightly less than 2 full minutes for the Dragon's elder Human to leave the Elf lying lifeless on the floor of the arena.

Lord Dragon bared his teeth at reporters after the fight, exclaiming, "Ah, the Evil one.. the flame isn’t extinguished yet in that old bugger. In the first minute, both fighters landed the same number of hits but Luz was definitely more precise. Kallevala had a better start in minute two but the Evil one went berserk and desecrated her soul, in the end."

D-Man also had something to say as he emerged from the Managers' Box. "This turn Lord Dragon revealed exactly what it means to be hunted like a baby. I now feel like a tiny infant, spitting up and pooping all over myself. I actually think I just felt the urge to start sucking my thumb! Oh well, I guess I'll get over it. I suppose he assumes I'm going to blood challenge with M. Noirceur, and he'd be correct in that assumption. Good luck, Luz, it should actually be a good fight."

Kallevala ascends to the Lands Beyond the Sea having struggled for most of her career, accruing, in the end, only 68 wins and 2 kills against 82 losses.

Dux Mortalitas landed two veteran kills with his killer Half-Orcs in Turn 376, including Murderer's annihilation of the lamented super-vet Half-Elf, DT Jesus, the fourth of Ilneval's Fab Five to die in the last ten turns. At the end of a long, five minute struggle in which DT Jesus never seemed to find his groove, the Half-Elf lay dead on the sand beneath his Tower Shield.

Ilneval was in a right froth, directed mostly at Gazette reporters, as he exited the arena post-fight, spitting out, "You and your cover curse have cost me 4 members of my Fab 5 over the past couple months." After a pause, he continued more soberly. "I suppose I can give you a couple minutes though. Maybe that will lift the curse before anyone else has to pay the price. DT was an enigma: Never a great training warrior, and not a super strength Half-Elf either, he just was a winner. Much like Mantronic's fight the week before, DT fell in a fight that I personally didn't think was out of the norm for him. Didn't look like either warrior took permanent injuries, and there were some good blows dished out by both combatants. In the end, I believe that DT gave up the will to live after losing his best friend the week before. He didn't look the same out there this week. It was almost as if he was ready to die. Got to give Murderer credit where credit is due."

DT Jesus succumbs, not to rise again, having mastered 77 opponents (2 permanently) in 111 matches.

Dux's second veteran kill of the day was also the first sub-100 warrior to die during the turn: Davron's Morningstar-wielding Half-Elf Eliydal, killed suddenly in the second minute of a random match with Dux's other killer Half-Orc, Mortalitas. The fans were cheering a right bloody match indeed, right up until Eliydal, a Half-Elf full of promise, fell limp to the ground.

Davron emerged from the arena in a resigned mood, shrugging to reporters, "What can I say, it was a brutal slugfest plain and simple. Mort got in the last blow and the deed was done. Eliydal was Elric's twin but found smashing success with the Morningstar instead of Elric's pointy little stick. Lot of fun to manage and hopefully Elric can rid the pit of another stinky HO this coming round."

Dux again had some words about this fight, noting from his seat of honor in the tavern, "The Eliydal death...picture a Half-Elf with a Morningstar and a Half-Orc with a XXX Sword and LOTS of gore, and you get the picture. Makes me wonder how that fight would have turned out had their weapons been switched. Good work, Davron. May your next creation be even better!"

Eliydal expires just 6 fights from that magical 100 mark, having secured 50 wins and a kill during his career.

Ilneval, clearly shaken by the loss of DT Jesus, was able to take a small amount of solace later in the day when his own dangerous Half-Orc R'Shann struck down Marius' Half Orc Alex Row (his 3rd veteran warrior to die in two turns, no less). The fans were treated to an extremely enjoyable, bloody match (something of a theme in the kills that occurred this turn), but only one Half-Orc was to walk off the sands under his own power afterwards.

Ilneval emerged from the arena in a less contentious mood after this fight, and grabbed a reporter to exult. "Holy hell, what a bloody melee that was! What can be better than a couple of good Half-Orcs beating the living [expletive deleted] out of each other for 5 minutes. I am not going to sit here and profess that R'shann was the better of the two, as I feel that both warriors were pretty even in this one. Alex was definitely the quicker, but pound-for-pound, R'shann could lay claim to the intangibles that mattered. He's a very smart fighter, and knows how to take advantage of his foe's mistakes, and Alex made a few in the fight. I raise a toast to the loss of a fellow Half-Orc, and wish Marius well with his replacement."

Alex Row finishes a solid career with 51 wins and 2 kills against 36 losses.

Sleazee P. Martinee's Elf, CorrupterOfThePure was looking for easy meat this turn and seemed to find it in a challenge match against Lord Dragon's once-impressive Halfling Gnomish. To his ultimate credit, though, Gnomish held fast into the third minute, but the ref ignored his pleas for release, and instead was granted his ultimate release by Corrupter.

Lord Dragon again bared his teeth at reporters post-match, though half-heartedly, speaking briefly on the loss of Gnomish. ""Gnomish is my second Halfling that dies at the age of 96 fights. It is certainly a curse and I shall dedicate my self to smashing through that barrier with my future small warriors. I guess he had it coming, he just couldn't win anymore. I shall not cry over his death, that’s for sure."

Gnomish returns to the lawn which birthed his kind having piled up 52 losses against 44 wins over his career (with only 1 kill).

Davron sent solid killer Elric at Dude Doomer's last first-generation warrior still alive, Livarot, and came out of the fight with his 6th kill in 83 fights. Dude Doomer's Elf barely made it into the 2nd minute before succumbing to the younger, more proficient Half-Elf.

Davron was exultant after the fight, looking forward to the opportunity opened up by the passing of Elric's brother-in-arms, Eliydal. " It was good to have Elric get back into his killing form this round. He's always had a little bit of a chip on his shoulder about his Half-Elven heritage and those pure bloods just rub him wrong. Depending on Dude's Blood Challenge plans, Elric's eager to do his best to avenge the death of his stablemate Eliydal."

Dude Doomer, for his part, downplayed the loss and the opportunity to BC Elric. "My last first gen glad is no more. I'm sad, but not surprised, because I tried many things with him and he helped so much to understand the real tactics underlying our sport. Of course Elric, can sleep without fear. I can't BC him, but soon I will get revenge."

Livarot, the third of four losing warriors whacked on the turn in challenges, had managed 43 wins and 2 kills in 94 fights before passing.

Fans and managers alike have been whispering about Palor's prodigious Human Xenbru for some time, but until turn 376 she had managed to just win without attracting a lot of media attention. That ended this turn with her kill of Lady Templar's Dwarf Agent Smith, Xenbru's first.

Agent Smith is ripped from the matrix permanently having put together 39 wins and 2 kills in 75 turns on the nose.

GAPPDA manager Hoffa's veteran futility reared its head again in Turn 376 as his exemplary Elf Rush Island found himself matched up with Panther's older, less prodigious Human, Salvo Edger. At the end of three minutes, the unlucky Elf was demolished.

Rush Island is voted off the island having taken 41 victories and 2 lives in 58 fights.

The last of the loser killings on the turn occurred in rather bizarre fashion, as Validian, of all managers, sent The Arena Wall (a Half Orc with 36 wins and 4 kills in 66 fights) against JB Bladeswinger's hapless Daster. One would think that Validian, of all mangers, might have some empathy for those running less-than-stellar warriors, but perhaps times, they are a'changing, indeed.

Daster, which had to be short for "disaster", bumbles his way into the after life with only 26 wins to his name in 83 fights.

Lord Kelvin has been no stranger to veteran tragedy of late, and the trend did not change in Turn 376, as much-hyped Half-Elf Firebloom was Blood Challenged and killed by Chaoslillith's Zeus after last turn's slaying of Thanatos by Firebloom. The Gazette can only suspect some kind of fix was in on this match up, considering Chaoslillith's reputation.

Chaoslillith downplayed this when our reporter caught up to her just before print this week. "Thanatos was my only other original warrior left. I guess it got to Zeus that she finally died. I actually lost some money on this one as I did not realize he was so mad about Thanatos' death. It did take him long enough to kill someone, though. He's always been too cocky to take training seriously, saying he knows all he needs to. Guess he wasn't lying and has just been unmotivated up until now. I wonder who else I can have killed to upset him. Oh, are you still here?"

Firebloom is struck down before his time having put together 41 wins and a kill in 54 fights.

The final veteran kill of our turn was not much to write home about, as The Demon's loser Dwarf Bromdur Stonefist proved to be made of something more akin to styrofoam, struck down by The Badman's Halfling, Torrid Tina in a four minute fight.

Bromdur Stonefist passes nearly unremarked with just 23 wins to his name and 42 losses.

This publication's condolences go out to all those who lost winning warriors this turn. To the rest of you, we hope that the replacement candidates bring you some solace in Turn 377.

Greetings once again, Pit brethren. A seemingly pedestrian slate of fights all told was laid out this past cycle, but not too fear! A decent number of interesting turns on the Blood Challenge front made up for it to some extend. Accounting for one of the highest percentages yet seen in our life cycle, nearly 25% of all BC’s this round fell into the Ugly category, further polarizing the mismatched nature of the BC in general. One of the more interesting matches of the round saw Chaoslilltih's ZEUS kill Lord Kelvin’s FIREBLOOM. FIREBLOOM made quite a name during the last UW, but fell at the end of a relatively even match up against ZEUS. To us here at the Gazette, it looks as if a rising star was extinguished too soon. Surely a tough, tough loss to handle.

Once again qualifying defenders are few in number, continuing recent trends. Only one match this round can be looked at as a true upset, and that was Drachir’s JOHNNY dispatching The Spoiler’s LEG-BITER in a quick two minutes of action. While our other defenders should not be overlooked, their matches were far more balanced.

Drachir’s JOHNNY (18)
Bill Taylor’s ECLIPSE (8)
Frank The Tank’s JAH-BUL-ON (3)

Continuing on the topic of Good, we have two managers to highlight. Number one: Missus Biggus, running a 7-0 mark over the last three turns. While Missus B. did rack up a couple of ugly challenges to secure her win total, she did manage a 5-0 mark in her more evenly-matched contests. Warden cracks into the ranks of the Good by posting five wins out of six opportunities over the past three turns. Congrats to Missus Biggus and Warden.

Ah, just what we would like to see, a shorter list of Bad. The surprising trend of the Bad is that the list has been dominated by veteran managers. This round's entries include Arch-Angel, who has posted a 1-5 collective mark over the past 3 turns, and The Warlord who has gone 0-5 over the same span, with three of the losses initiated by his own Bad self. While not a veteran manager, Violentkitty has suffered quite a recent bad run. Violentkitty can only claim one BC win over the past five turns, while registering at least one loss in each over that time.

As was mentioned, our list of the Ugly represents a significant portion of the results for the round. While this turn lacked some of the truly horrific ugliness of multiple triple-digit down challenges past, it dif favored a fairly consistent level of mismatch, with fully six qualifying blood challenges occurring with at least 40 fights difference. Quite shockingly, none of these mismatches results in a death, and for that, I believe we can be thankful. Apparently Missus Biggus is using her opportunity to try and salvage the record of CAPTAIN SHARPE, who took a second straight BC win to pull to a 32-49-1 record overall. My guess is that CAPTAIN SHARPE will offer no respite for the beleaguered STUNTY, who now stands at 11-18-1 after suffering two straight BC losses. The remainder of our mismatch champions can be found below…

Scotty Body’s DOOMSDAY JESUS (53)
Missus Biggus’ CAPTAIN SHARPE (52)
Eca Za’s YIPPIE KI YEA (50)
Palor’s LOATHING (42)
Nads’ WERT (42)
The Overlord’s IRONFIST (42)
Acheron’s BLITZKRIEG (29)
Mydgar Le Gnome’s ANNE BONNY (28)

Ah Blood Challenges. What a different arena it would be without your unending entertainment.

Only one manager need apply for the Manager of the Week award this turn: Drachir, bringing in 19 wins without issuing a single dishonorable challenge or BC. Drachir has been quietly improving under most managers' radar for some time. Well, no longer as The Gazette officially bestows the Manager of the Week award on Drachir for Turn 376.


Following through on the intimations made in last week's Manager Spotlight, Poppa Balrog retired Erhley and Abbic, who were so inspired by their impending freedom that they both won their matches this week.

Rucker's Red, at the relatively low ranking of 43 and only 100 fights, takes over the Top Half Elf spot in the city with the death of DT Jesus. Though one might take this as not speaking well of the plight of Half Elves overall, top to bottom the Half Elf Top 25 is looking solid for the near future, compared particularly to Halflings and even to the bottom half of the Elves Top 25.

"My condolences go out to Ilneval. It would seem that his Fab 5 are indeed cursed as another one succumbs to witchery. The fight itself must have been rather disappointing to DT Jesus' fans as it was definitely not one of his better showings. He happened to catch Murderer on a good day...In the end the fans were not disappointed for with Murderer the oddities always leave fans with something to talk about. RIP DT Jesus!" - Dux Mortalitas, recounting his turn at the tavern which bears his name after the close of the arena complex on fight day.

"Xenbru finally proved her worth. I think she overheard my comment about team fight retirement." - Palor, jesting to his fellow LoD members at a tavern after the turn.

We imagine Eternal Darkness is quaking in his lucky boots as the sole remaining living member of Ilneval's Fab Five. We hear that he hasn't changed said lucky boots in the last 15 turns.

That's if for this week's edition of The Gazette! If you'd like to submit items for a future edition or provide feedback and clarifications, please pm them to my account on

-The Staff at The Pitt Gazette

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