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Volume 1, Issue 30 - Turn 378

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Volume 1, Issue 30 - Turn 378

Post  lord_dragon on Fri Jun 03, 2011 10:25 pm

Welcome once again to a fine edition of the Pit Gazette, bringing you coverage of the newsworthy (and not) events that entailed Turn 378. As always we bring you Raul tormenting the very souls of those who count themselves in an alliance, Cliff Banana wailing on the state of Blood Challenges in our fair city and Codfather Industries hawking their wares.

Once more unto the breach, my friends.

Our own reporter, Raul, has for some time been dropping hints that the No Bozo Squad has been taking shots at independent manager JB Bladeswinger's stable. Our intrepid reporters decided to see what they could learn about what led to the current state of war between the alliance on one hand and the independent on the other.

By plying one of their intrepid members with heady alcohol and subtle questioning, we were able to get a stream of consciousness summary from Ted Supreme as he reveled after the turn. He was, indeed, was more than willing to provide some background to the tale. "For a season," he began, "JB Bladeswinger and I have been at war. For a month, Dude Doomer and FFunker help with a few challenges. The origin of the feud is certainly a story of misunderstood love. Now, I'm quite sure that the tall Half-Orc Rekage secretly loves or has loved the beautiful Half-Elf Alley Kat Abra. For certain, he decided to meet her on turns 361,363,364, and 365. However, she tried quite resolutely to refuse him (all three slots on the forms, in fact) but he would not take no for an answer, for he was so enraptured. In the end, he was furious and had a maul ...”. Ted continued, "Moreover, it seems that Goremac must be in love with Fastback, too, challenging him on turns 353,355, and 365. I find this bizarre for Fastback prefers the beautiful ladies of this city." After a tall drink and some prodding from our reporter, he continued. "Then I tried to teach JB to not be so free with the challenge forms through a 3 turn full assault. He just added more challenges for answer, so I did it too. Now, to prove the staying power of our relationship, our teams meet 5 to 10 times a week. Two of JB's warriors have died for love. One, Rekage, has taken home at least six gifts to remember my warriors by."

Ffunker, reached later, would only speak briefly on the record. "Just a word to tell you one of my guys killed the best Bladeswinger fighter because he does repeated challenges against one of the NBS. I hope now he will stop."

So, will this indeed end? Or will the NBS and JB continue to butt heads, even as we head into the Alliance-Lympics three turns from now? Time will tell.

Due to high demand for our products we had to take a one week hiatus before offering our latest developments. Don't you worry though! Your old Codfather is back. Back with a vengeance, bringing you the most up-to-the-minute versions of hundreds of state of the art weapons and accessories - all at rock-bottom prices! That’s what Codfather Industries is all about.

We’ve received dozens of orders to date and countless suggestions and even fan mail (some of it legible, some not). Heck, it appears there has been a run on crayons at the local scriber shops. One thing has run true. It appears we’ve left out an entire demographic of Veteran’s Blade to our fine weaponry. You asked, and we’ve answered the call.

First you were able to slice & dice. Then Codfather perfected hack & slash. Now, we enable you to smash & bash while whipping up a veritable wall of steel. So without further adieu we are now introducing our latest line…The Codfather Cudgels.

That’s right! If you feel just thumping on somebody with bare knuckles is turning your hand to mush… if your goal is to create a pile of goo from your foe… or if you are of a higher intelligence but still like to witness bludgeoning instead of slicing and dicing. Then a Codfather Cudgel is for you!

We fully respect that any and all alike will love our Cudgels, but the fact still remains that our marketing research, and the nice funny pictures in the fan mail, confirm a special clientele favor brute force over finesse. And those folks favor simple smashing and striking attacks. If, as a manager, you can convey the concept of “grab the wood and swing the pointy end” to your gladiators, we urge you to try Codfather Cudgels. You don’t want to be the last gladiator in Veteran’s Blade to bring one of these suckers to the party. Just listen to some of our testimonials:

“If I had known my Codfather would out perform my Louisville, I might not have needed to juice.” - B. Bonds

“I finally sent her, bang, zoom, straight to the moon!” – Ralph Kramden

“Seeing the blood smear across the arena wall just made me cower in terror!” – Anonymous Peasant Scum

“After the flesh-rending blow was landed, I got a kewpie doll!” – Master of Puppets

From simple Maces and Flails to the bigger Battle Flails and Mauls, Codfather has your needs covered. So if you want moderate destruction to be the result of your attack, put down those inferior products that only cause garden-variety wounds. Pick up a Codfather. Remember, it’s what you crave!

Patrons, readers, friends. It is I, Raul Anjinarikar Siv, to bring you the pre pre-games report of the Alliance Olympics. Today we are brain-digging in the most filthy of locat1ons: in the mind of one Acheron who has sponsored the Olympics himself. Without further pause, let's recount a conversation that I was allowed to pursue while the dark lord dined in his esoteric and poorly-lit abode on the outskirts of Veteran’s Blades.

Raul: Greetings Acheron, there is surprise in me to be sitting with a manager who is unaligned but takes such an interest in Alliances. Why would one, unwashed as you are, organize a grand event based on the alliances?

Acheron: The alliances in this arena are, frankly, dying...for a reason to bash each others' heads in. I want to give them that opportunity. It's good for several businesses in which my people interest.

Raul: But you yourself refuse to bathe. That is to say, you are unaligned yes?

Acheron: Unbathed, unaligned, uninterested. And happily so. Many moons ago this might have been different, but it's a matter of principle now. I stand on my own two feet and none other.

Raul: I must say that I am impressed with the amount of adjectives you use. I was expecting something a little more, how should we say, barbaric. So, you once considered joining an Alliance?

Acheron: Let's just say I was apprenticing. In a manner of speaking.

Raul: In a manner of speaking. Interesting. I don't suppose you would reveal who was courting you? Perhaps GAPPDA? There are rumors...

Acheron: Everyone thinks its GAPPDA, of course. Doesn't take any creativity at all to come to that conclusion. I look terrible in Green and Purple. Other than that I can give you only a "no comment". Water under the bridge, or off a duck's back or something like that.

Raul: In my country, we have traitors nibbled to death by such creatures. So, there are more rumors, rumors of new alliances debuting in your games. Will you refuse to comment on this as well?

Acheron: It's public knowledge by now that Bruticus has managed to piece together a pretty interesting alliance. I was hoping we would see more of that, but it seems Vic Vegas has more or less disappeared from the city. Still it did seem to prompt the Legion to do some quick expansion, permanent or not, and the Council seems to be moving, so...I suppose it is, as the children say, all good.

Raul: Ah you have a fondness for the quick tongue of the pre-teen set, very modern of you, uh, well, what exactly are you?

Acheron: Eternity incarnate. Alpha and Omega. A businessman for all time. Also hungry.

Raul: That is funny, I often say my wives are the incarnates of Famine, Pestilence, and Death. Perhaps I should have them meet you? That would teach them. I often consult the oracle or a bowl of water to tell the future, but since you are a supernatural entity, perhaps you could give me a hint of who to bet on in this competition?

Acheron: Not GAPPDA Both LoD teams are too strong to bet against and I hear the Council's teams will be...compelling to gamblers. Of course it would be...unfair to count out the NBS or a new alliance.

Raul: That is laughable of course. The ball has little chance of landing on just a 30 in roulette no? So, you are saying, always bet on black?

Acheron: What color am I wearing?

Raul: To be honest I have heard I should not look directly at you or risk my soul. Not that this may be true, but I am not one to bet. Well with my life. Do you plan to expand the Olympics in the future? Some have suggested, well specifically I have suggested, breaking it into different events. For example the barrel scraper, or the hopeless honorable match, or 'how many times can I throw a fight to LoD'. Does this interest you at all for next year?

Acheron: I'd like to see how the first year goes and then think about rules refinements. This year is a very basic contest, really. And better that way. I'm actually thinking about how I can slot a winter league in before or after UW as well. For now, though, I am merely interested in getting AL1 off the ground.

Raul: Well, thank you for your time. I suppose I must say that I am surprised at the lack of odor. Only one question remains, are you going to finish that sausage of yours? I, too, am also hungry.

Acheron: Ah this? This is a delicacy known as Bratwurst. I import it especially from some place very far, in many ways, from here. You could have it, but it would come at a very heavy personal price.

Raul: Are you suggesting that I sell my soul for a pork laden product?

Acheron: I suggest nothing, but the irony would be...delicious. Like this Bratwurst

Raul: I would sell my soul for a great many things person-thing, but I can assure you as the sands blow across the dunes in the winter, that unidentifiable meat parts of a swine are not one of them.

Acheron: Your loss.

Raul: Before I leave, I would like to thank you for making my own life so much more interesting, and for that I didn't even have to sell my soul! Unless of course you read minds!

Acheron: You are assuming that a certain...asset transfer did not occur between your Padishah and interests beholden to me. You know what happens when you make assumptions.

Raul: Well, to avoid any more awkward and uncomfortable moments, I bid you goodbye. I can find my own way out.

Acheron: See you soon.

With that, my friends, I exited a place I hope to not return. It occurs to me that of all the people I deal with, the demons, the dragons, the female mercenaries that threaten my manhood, it would be refreshing to meet, I don’t know, a pixie or a kindly old grandmother. Do not they exist? Are there not those that feed their warriors the milk of cows and the baked sugar dough instead of rare meat and ale? Even better yet a mad, love-crazed nymph baring her ankles with a taste for dark-haired men?

Well, perhaps next I will be lucky and meet as such. But until then, I still have my soul. Salaam and Good Hunting.

Heady days indeed as a full five warriors will spend Turn 379 basking in the lasting glow of their 100th fights on the sands of the Veteran’s Blade arena. Granted that one of the warriors has managed to lose 62 of 99 fights (Folkari’s Doom Girl) and another has clinched a losing record upon his own glorious day (Commandant Eitch’s Scratching Cow, with 53 losses at 99 fights), still one must sit up and take notice this turn. Indeed, on the same turn that Doom Girl will likely fail spectacularly to secure a win in her 100th fight, Folkari will also have an actual shot at sending a warrior into the vaunted ranks of the 100+ when 50-Win warrior George takes the sands. Elsewhere, Xavier will send his second warrior over the hump, Halfling Betty the Blonde, with 67 wins already secured at 99 fights. Last, but by no means at all least, Chen Man Ching’s recently murderous Autotroph (with two kills in the last four turns), will launch into the superveterans with at least 65 wins to his name.

With such a banner crop of new 100+ warriors coming next turn, the Gazette can only imagine how exciting Turn 379 will be for fans and the managers involved. Gods speed to all.

After several weeks of double digit reapings, the angel of death (and no, we don’t mean the manager of the same name) apparently took a vacation this week, as only four qualifying warriors fought to their last breath in Turn 378 (and only 47 deaths in total as well).

By far the oldest warrior lost on the turn was Tolome's Speedy, offed quickly in a singles match by Chen Man Ching's Autotroph. From what Gazette reporters have heard from multiple sources, Speedy was carrying a lot of permanent damage, so to speak, so it would shock none of our staff to learn that one of these did him in for good. Tough luck all told that it had to occur just four fights from the magical 100 mark for Speedy. Thus the arena loses what was a top Half-Elf indeed.

Speedy comes to a permanent stop having torn through 58 wins (with a kill) in 96 fights.

Our only qualifying challenge kill in Turn 378 came to us courtesy of some hot No Bozo Squad on JB Bladeswinger action, with Ffunker sending Half-Orc Monsieur Galette to have a quick word with Lashur Stonehand. Near the end of three minutes, only Monsieur Galette remained capable of forming words, with Lashur dead on the sands.

Lashur Stonehand lay shattered after a solid career spanning 63 fights, with 6 kills and 36 wins to his name.

Our remaining two qualifying kills, if one can stomach referring to the victims as veterans, involved random murder by Sanguine Savior's Doc Hickory Dick and Lord Dragon's Shahira. Their victims, Alphaforce's Rach "The Quick" and The Warlord's Silver Leaf will likely neither be lamented by fans nor the managers they leave behind.

Our reporters approached Lord Dragon for comment after the mercy killing, but he ignored all entreaties, mumbling harshly under his breath, "Drakus.. must kill Drakus’ entire stable.. they shall fall.. Drakus... Drakus... kill them all." We can only suppose that the Dragon Lord did not take kindly to Longfellow's challenge and defeat of previously single-loss Sorah Magdar.

Rach's 45 losses in 73 fights and Silver Leaf's 36 losses in 59 fights will be quickly forgotten. We hope.

Will the drop in lethality that accompanied this turn extend to the next? Fans, managers and journalists alike can't wait to find out (and are probably rooting for a bloodier overall turn in 379).

Greetings loyal readers! We have had one of the bloodiest rounds in BC memory with fully 24% of all Blood Challenge matches ending in the death of one of
the combatants. While 2 of the 6 deaths this round came after an Ugly challenge, the bulk were the result of more even contests. Additionally, we saw one of the quickest overall BC rounds as most fights ended inside of 3 minutes and 20% of the turn yielded a decision within the first minute of combat. Quick and bloody, much like a celebrity marriage.

A solid showing for BC defenders this round, as 3 out of 7 defenses proved to be a considerable upset. We welcome a new manager to the BC report and to the list of Good, as Hades made an entrance by thwarting Dude Doomer's MEGADETH 6, in the longest BC match of the round at 4 minutes. "A Guild House of Shame." That's what you too would be saying, were you Acheron, in taking a 33 fight advantage into a match against Rachel's AMARRETO, and losing. Many
congratulations to the rest of our BC defenders!

Rachel's AMARRETO (33)
Cam's BOUDICA (26)
The Overlord's LORD DIX (22)
Dude Doomer's ROQUEFORT 2 (12)
Acheron's BILL COSBY (2)
Poppa Balrog's MILLIE MILKBAGS (1)

The bad is always a difficult section to report on. While obligated to point out shortcomings, it is truly difficult to report on true instances of a manager or warrior completely struggling. Luckily, for me, this is not one of those turns! Many a careful reader would have noted that The Overlord scored a second consecutive BC defense this turn with LORD DIX vanquishing Mongolian Knight's DOOOOOFUS. Most would be wondering why it was not reported as such. As highlighted from last cycle Mongolian Knight has engaged in some rather poorly planned and executed BC's. This is the second turn where the 9-22-0 DOOOOOFUS challenged the 8-2-1 LORD DIX and scored another loss. It is a real question as to why this warrior has not been sent to visit the Monsters, let alone is challenging an up-and-coming and already impressive warrior. It is hard to not mention the target pained on the back of The Badman. Since recordkeeping on the matter began some 9 turns ago, The Badman has been the victim of 9 ugly BC's, easily outpacing the next closes manager almost twofold.

Ilneval takes point for the league of evil this round, issuing 2 of the 8 Ugly BC's on the turn while also being responsible for the only triple digit challenge and being 1 of the 2 managers to repeat an Ugly BC this turn. Quietly climbing (or rather, descending) the ranks of ugly BC'ers is Ted Supreme, who is making quite a name as a manager who frequently makes use of the Ugly BC. As for the remainder of the scoundrels and miscreants, read on...

Ilneval's ETERNAL DARKNESS (106)
The Demon's OCULTTO (66)
D-Man's M. NOIRCEUR (63)
Potness Monster's PETERBUILT (49)
Ted Supreme's UN ANANAS (42)
Ilneval's RECLUSION (40)
The Overlord's ORANGE RANGER (36)
Master Misfit's VEGTABLE VAMPIRE (33)

Another fine week reviewed. Til next issue, friends.

Only one manager put together a 20 win turn in 378 with a full slate of fights: the Legion of Darkness' own Poeg. He did so with a mix of upwards and downwards challenges that netted him only 1 point of dishonor (by the current reckoning) and several solid wins at the top-most levels of the arena against good-to-great opponents (mostly run by the Council).

Congratulations to Poeg on a fine, fine turn.

Six warriors in total were killed in Blood Challenge matches this turn, a high water mark for recent turns. Only one of those killed (Boot Strap Billy's Captain Barbossa) was the challenger in the fight.

Reclusion is the first warrior of Ilneval's to ever "Kill for the Cycle" (meaning he has killed a warrior of each race). Surprisingly, though Ilneval has had some prodigious killers, Outcast failed to slaughter a Half-Elf in 11 kills and Solitude missed out on a Halfling in his 12 kills.

"Dux Mortalitas and Caesar Invictus joined what now?" - heard by many voices throughout the city in the lead up to the Alliance-Lympics schedule posting.

The Legion of Darkness appears to have pulled in not one, but two outsiders in order to field 2 full teams in the Olympics. At the same time we hear they also approached GAPPDA about a truce leading into the first weeks of the Alliance-Lympics.

That's if for this week's edition of The Gazette! If you'd like to submit items for a future edition or provide feedback and clarifications, please pm them to my account on

-The Staff at The Pitt Gazette

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