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Volume 1, Issue 36 - Turn 384

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Volume 1, Issue 36 - Turn 384

Post  lord_dragon on Fri Jun 03, 2011 11:05 pm

Guess who's back...back again? Gazette's back. Tell a friend!

Due to an obscure religious observance, managers were required to submit their stable's paperwork earlier than normal for Turn 384 as the beginning to Fight Day was moved up several hours to accommodate a very different use for the arena complex that very night (pomp and circumstance of a different sort likely involving goats and table wine). Apparently not every manager got the memo, leading to a somewhat diminished week of Alliance Olympics action, with perhaps one overall outcome greatly swayed by the absence of warriors. Danny D Bloody, in fact, was seen stumbling from a tavern just as the fights were beginning, but the emptiness of the streets around him must have convinced him that it was still quite early and witnesses report he stumbled back to his manor and collapsed into drunken bliss. A pity.

Still, even with the confusion, our predictions returned to the land of "better than even", as we correctly called three of the four match-ups from last week. Frostbite did indeed put back a tough challenge from DIE, mostly on the efforts of this week's Frostbite MVP Caesar Invictus. While Frostbite is getting a big performance out of somebody each week in order to stay on top of the standings, many fans have begun to worry about Dux Mortalitas' recent slump.

The reason for these worries? 2nd place GAP jumped all over their diminished Week 4 opponent, the Brute Squad, piling up 23 wins and 39 points to just 6 and 9 for their Danny-less opponents. Few would have foreseen Cliff Banana, Poppa Balrog and Hoffa outshining their alliance-mates Xavier, Marius and Fusion by week 4, but they surely are and seem well en-route to a championship game rematch (and potential redemption) of their week 1 humiliation at the hands of LOD Frostbite. That would be an exciting turn of events indeed. Dux was himself key to that first victory over GAP, so LOD fans must be sacrificing unsullied creatures across the city in hopes of a rebirth in his fortunes.

3rd place became a three way this week thanks to one victory expected and another unexpected. Let's begin with where the Gazette was correct before moving to where we were dead wrong. We predicted that NBS would benefit from the replacement of Hosehead by Missus Bigus. Had Ffunker not shared Missus Bigus' fate (the aforementioned lack of memo receipt), this might have proven even more prescient. However, not only did NBS out-win the two remaining STUDs on the field of battle, they also put three of STUD's warriors out to pasture, while only losing one themselves. Due to Ffunker's penalties, the point outcome looks closer than the battle actually was, as Dude Doomer and Ted Supreme combined to put a hurt mostly on Potness Monster, with Sleazee's excellent efforts overshadowed in the end.

Finally, few predicted that a match-up between LOD Black and PDA would come down to a tie. Most odds makers were counting on a blow out one way or the other (and few could agree in which direction, mostly dependent on the activity of Lord Kelvin). With all three Black participants having solid but unspectacular days against the PDA fold it came down to a points tie. With no kills between them, PDA took the unlikely win on wins alone. This amazing outcome left both teams in a tie with NBS at 2-2 for the contest.

Now, where does this take us in week 5? Frostbite will continue to roll over the Brute Squad to remain undefeated. After that, we're going to place our money on a big week for underdogs. In the case of GAP v. NBS, we're going to take the Jerry Lewis fans to exploit a let-down turn from the GAPPDA faction. The match-up of the turn will be LOD Black v. STUD, and as long as all three STUDs arrive at the arena complex on fight day, we're calling for an upset over 2-2 Black on the strength of another big week from Sleazee P Martinee. Finally, in the case of PDA v. DIE, we see an angry Council team taking several kills and a solid wins lead to pull PDA down to their level.

So our predictions for post-turn standings are:

Frostbite 5-0-0
GAP 3-2-0
NBS 3-2-0
Black 2-3-0
PDA 2-3-0
STUD 2-3-0
DIE 2-3-0
Brute Squad 1-4-0

Once again friends it is time to put pen to vellum, reporting that only I, Raul Anjinarikar Siv, can give you. We have another action-packed week of alliance competition as the waves chop around the midpoint of the regular season. The results? Both the predictable and unaccounted made appearance on the stage of battle.

It is among this surprise cornucopia that we find ourselves swimming in the midst of inevitable forces. Of course I speak of the Frostbite victory over DIE, which to a normal counting observer might call close, until you realize that once again Frostbite controlled the pace and battlefield as only the master shepherd can stuck behind his most stubborn sheep. In particular, he who shall not be compared to vegetable matter or its most tasty anchovy-based dressing, scored a crushing 20 points as he saddled the competition with loss after loss. At 4-0, Frostbite has locked in a playoff spot and a seat at the table of destiny. Could it be next to destinies friend victory? My Padishah certainly hopes so.

Down the waterslide of life one must watch for both moccasins and the cape buffalo. Both are black and exceedingly dangerous for different reasons. I say this because the buffalo this turn was the NBS, at least in stench, as it overpowered the olfactory senses of STUD in their much anticipated two-step, carrying the NBS to 2-2. In an odd twist, the death-dealers had to peddle to themselves, as NBS stole the lives of no less than three warriors from STUD. It bears noting that Sleazee the once one-man army did field an impressive 17-point turn, pleasing the fantasy Olympics fans scoring (and betting) at home.

In what can only be termed ‘the marching band tragedy’ of AL turn 4, GAP pummeled the Brute Squad into submission. It is unfortunate, for I know many, including myself, who bet much gold on the words of Danny D Bloody and his declaration that no longer would the underdog sit at the table for scraps. But do not discount them again...I suspect they may feel the need to sow the oats of victory into the feedbag of virility next turn to pull themselves out of their 1-3 doldrums.

And the best for last, what one could argue successfully was the most exciting match up this round between the alliances, PDA v LoD Black. As the motes of dust lay about randomly on the debris, neither side could claim a victory on points. With each LoD member coming away with ten points and PDA gaining thirty between them, it had to go to kills. In what would be the first ever double tie breaker match, the two halves came together to pummel each other without a single pine box dispensed (much to the anger of the undertaker). So it came down to the bane of Acheron's existence, mere wins, as in any schoolyard pummeling or parking lot brawl. And the victor was PDA, taking back the initiative and bringing both teams to the middle at 2-2.

That my friends brings us past the middle of the regular season of Alliance Olympics 1. Like the stars, we can chart the rise and fall of empires. But still, it can be anyone's game for the Finals. Will GAP lock up a position of glory next turn? Will the Brute Squad pull out another hard-fought victory to escape the basement they share with certain others? Will NBS finally admit that their vaunted comic Jerry Lewis is really not that funny? Until next time, we will not know. "Salaam and Good Hunting", as I say.

Five more warriors ascended the 100 Fight summit this week and it's a good thing too, as you'll no doubt note when we get to the Notable Deaths section of this periodical. Overall, and we've said this before, Summer in the city has been an awfully prolific season for long-term warriors and one has to wonder how the managers have been squeezing such stunning longevity out of their warriors (the old rumors of rampant Little Debbies use notwithstanding). Still, regardless of the rumors, our hats are off to those who broke through into the 100+ this turn. We begin the tally by distinguishing the winningest of the five, Nads' Short Temper, who fought off a determined assault by Sleazee P Martinee's significantly more experienced Total Trauma, taking the win after a tense 4 minute fight. Three more of our new 100 Fight warriors also were involved in challenge matches of some form in Turn 384, including Validian's now sole 100 Fight warrior Makie, who put back a challenge from Folkari's Doom Girl in three minutes. The brass balls of the turn however, were to be found on Caesar Invictus and Ilneval, who arranged a special Alliance Olympics treat by matching up their two about-to-be-at-100-Fights warriors, Orion and R'Shann, with Orion taking the victory shockingly quickly, and also bringing in two points to apply towards LOD Frostbite's total against DIE this week. Finally, our last featured warrior, Fusion's Mal, faced alliance-mate Wonkette (managed by Marius) in an unfortunate singles match, taking a loss in just under 2 minutes of action. Somewhere, Sal the Scribe was laughing his quill off.

Many congratulations as always to all five managers and their warriors this week. The rich got richer, for certain, but we and the fans also address a heartfelt welcome to Validian as a 100+ manager.

The pace of 100+ attainment will slow down (no pun intended) a bit in turn 385, as fans and managers will only be welcoming a single warrior into the 100+: Tolome's Slowpoke, who brings with him an extremely impressive 73 win, 5 kill record at 99 fights. Tolome's stable of 100+ warriors will double with the achievement! Congratulations to Tolome and good luck to Slowpoke entering Turn 385.

Around these parts, the Gazette staff had recently made much of the recent lack of deaths among warriors with more than 100 fights under their belts. Many new warriors had recently joined said ranks, so eventually permanent injuries and bad luck had to catch up to someone. This turn it was actually 4 someones that paid the price to fickle probability, as 100-Win warrior Geryon and 3 others all said a final farewell to the sands after long successful careers.

They were not the only veteran warriors to pay the ultimate price for fame and fortune on the arena floor, however, as this turn saw a final tally of 11 deceased veterans, among them some fairly solid warriors, though no real standouts.

Beginning, as they say, at the top, then we initiate our round up of the honored dead with a match between warriors in the venerable 100 Win Club: Sleazee P Martinee's Conan the Barbarian and Damion's Geryon. The pitched battle between these two elder warriors drew a huge throng of fans, few of whom probably expected that one of these warriors would never fight again. After all, each had survived at least 163 fights to date, careers spanning two and one half years each. Yet at the end of three minutes, the 100 Win Club was one warrior lighter than it had been.

Geryon completes a distinguished career with 101 wins and 4 kills just 11 fights short of 200. Geryon will be missed by many, many fans.

Sleazee P Martinee was not to quit the turn without some amount of karmic atonement for the death of Geryon however, as Dude Doomer forced an Alliance Olympics affair of honor upon Eisa She-Fire of Ice. Eisa, who it must be noted was below .500 not ten turns ago, was extinguished, it seems, just as the noted Council manager discovered a way to maximize her talents. Meanwhile, her killer Barbaq 3, the pride and joy of Dude Doomer, and indeed, the entire No Bozo Squad, extinguished the Halfling in a 3-minute match that netted Dude Doomer 4 points in the Olympics competition, which, coincidentally, turned out to be NBS' margin of victory on the week over STUD.

Eisa She-Fire of Ice lies in peaceful repose after 113 fights in which she managed 58 wins and a lone kill.

Just last turn we were congratulating The Overlord for once again rejoining the ranks of managers with 100+ warriors. And just like that, the label was taken from him, as Ironfist, noted Halfling, matches up with and perishes at the hands of younger Knightmare, managed by LOD member The Demon. The fans weren't even fully seated before Ironfist was down for the count, permanent-like.

Ironfist proves somewhat too brittle for this difficult world, dying after accruing 60 wins in 101 fights.

Winning warriors are a bit few and far between for Folkari, and winning 100+ warriors more so. And yet, it mattered not to Poppa Balrog's Jurop, who slaughtered the fourth of our deceased 100+ superveterans, solid Human George, ending his career in the 2nd minute of their fight.

George ceases functioning after an effective 105 fight career in which he was able to claim 53 wins and a kill.

Lady Templar has been no stranger to veteran tragedy in recent weeks, and the trend continued this turn as Peter expired at the hands of Davron's deeply troubled Half-Elf Elric.

Davron emerged somewhat bewildered from the fight, telling reporters nearby, " All the dwarves I've run and my best killer is a Trident-using Half Elf. Man, I may have found a new favorite race. Guess Peter was thinking about the Pearly Gates when he should've been worrying about the Devils Pitchfork (laughs)."

Peter's 97 fight career is capped by a 57th and very final loss, with 3 kills to his name in the end.

If one were to look at, on a paper, a match-up between warriors managed by Nemesis and Sanguine Savior, The Gazette staff figures that fans and managers would predict any resulting blood to be on the hands of the warrior belonging to the Council of the Cauldron 10 times out of 10. After all Sanguine Savior has 220-someodd kills while Nemesis...well Nemesis has somewhat fewer all told (roughly 100 fewer in fact). And yet that's why they play the games, as in the case of Fist Blister v. Sire Marshal Feront, the Council Halfling was smashed into a fine paste. It wasn't pretty and it was over before the seats were warm.

Fist Blister emerged from the fight exultant, yelling out to fans, ""I like Halflings like I like my coffee: GROUND UP AND IN THE FREEZER".

Sire Marshal Feront, always an enigma to Sanguine Savior, as noted in his Gazette interview some weeks ago, passes after an 84 fight career in which he only took 35 wins and 3 kills.

While Dude Doomer may have stolen Eisa She-Fire of Ice from Sleazee P Martinee's stable, the Council manager thieved right back, taking the life of Brie De Meaux 4 on a crafty challenge from Hammer of Gruumsh and earning a solid 3 points for a few minutes work in the Alliance Olympics.

Dude Doomer, while obviously satisfied to an extent with Barbaq 3's performance, lamented the loss of his solid Half-Elf, telling reporters, "I'm sad. Very, very sad : In 2 turns I've lost 2 of my favorite gladiators [Editor's Note: Roquefort 2 last turn and Brie de Meaux 4). Ok, so I killed two guys this turn. In point of fact, Sleazee, I really prefer your guy and mine alive. But that's not possible to change, so I wait for your Blood Challenge."

Brie De Meaux 4 gives way to Brie De Meaux 5 after a stand-out 65-fight career in which he won 42 times.

The NBS were not done killing veteran STUD warriors, however, as Ted Supreme's Le Bar Des Templiers also challenged and killed Potness Monster's Half-Orc The Bruiser, bringing in another crucial 3 points to NBS in their Alliance Olympics battle against the Council sub-team.

The Bruiser dies as he lived, covered in blood and gore, having sealed 32 victories, with 4 by kill, in 56 fights.

We're not sure why Mygdar Le Gnome felt it necessary to toss a challenge at Izzboticus this turn, but not only did he do so, but the challenging warrior, Danton, emerged from the arena sands with just his second kill, this over Scheherazade, who passed beyond the veil early in the second minute of the battle.

Scheherazade dissipates to the four winds having completed an all-too-short 53-fight career with 28 wins and a kill to her name.

Our final non-mercy killing of the turn occurred in team fights, as JB Bladeswinger's 2-man gang known as Code of Valor emerged from a fight with Damion's The Rockheads as a 1-man Gang, with Pace Werewinter being carried out on a cart to the weeping and wailing of fans as well as former heterosexual life partner Liif Ender.

Finally, Panther's Fixur earned his 7th kill in only 49 fights by challenging and devastating Ironman's not-so-exceptional Solomon Khan, who will be missed by approximately 56 people, including fans, his manager and those that he gave fairly easy wins to in the past.

That's all for this week's collection of the deceased. Tune in next week for another wrap-up of those valiant, experienced few who give their lives for our entertainment.

Greetings all! 384 brings a second consecutive cycle of "no kill" Blood Challenge action. Perhaps in the spirit of the Olympics, blunted weapons have been distributed to all BC combatants without their knowledge. Overall, BC matches remained down, with only twenty-two total fights registering, though the percentage of Ugly fights remains steadily high at about one-third the total.

Yet another disappointing round for our bold BC defenders, as only two found the fortitude to turn back challenges this turn. Poeg's MESSIAH quickly dispatched the over-matched and underwhelming JOE MAMA of Ragnarok's stable, while it was Palor's turn (again) to maintain Poppa Balrog's embarrassment level at a high water mark. Congratulations to all two of our BC defenders.

Poeg's OLD CHEDDAR (12)
Palor's MESSIAH (4)

THE BAD sponsored by Poppa Balrog
Poppa Balrog's self-imposed beat down continues unabated. After losing his third match in as many turns, it was reported that Poppa B was found out behind the arena, where Poeg was forcing him to eat grass. Should this current losing streak continue, it will only be able to be compared to the infamous record set by Prairie View A&M, who lost 80 consecutive games. For the sake of decency, please PB...stop your challenges.

A truly forgettable turn of Ugly this round, with little to take note of. There were just a few large numbers, in terms of disparity, but this was a round which lacked substance and interest. Even the keenest minds will have difficulty recalling the results from this cycle. Palor's XENBRU registered the largest disparity in defeating the very green ORANGE RYME in a rather pedestrian two-minute affair. The remaining Ugly challengers can be found below, including Violentkitty, who, despite being on the list, has made a decent run over the past few turns to move her record in the right direction.

Palor's XENBRU (70)
Nads's WERT (69)
Xavier's ERIC CAINE (67)
Validian's THE ARENA WALL (38)
Mygdar Le Gnome's ANNE BONY (37)
Stimpy's DR. FEELGOOD (28)
Violentkitty's TWISTED SISTER (27)

While Frank and Sanguine Savior had strong weeks indeed (with 20 wins and 19 wins respectively), both did so outside the bright lights and heady competition of the Alliance Olympics. Hoffa, with his 19 wins overall and 10 which came in 12 Alliance Olympics matches made a very strong argument himself for manager of the week. However, these ten wins came against a disadvantaged Brute Squad force not fighting on all cylinders. The Gazette, instead, chooses to bestow Manager of the Week this turn to Caesar Invictus, who carried the LOD Frostbite team on his back to victory this turn against DIE. With 11 of his 18 overall wins coming in direct Alliance Olympics action, including a kill to boot and enduring just 4 losses to DIE, Caesar is the clear choice in our minds.

Congratulations to all four managers mentioned above for their excellent performances. Further congratulations to Caesar though for earning the small, plastic trophy this week.

The two largest honor bounties in recent memory were claimed this turn, with Dude Doomer's Barbaq 3 raking in 13 points of honor from the murder of Eisa She-Fire of Ice and Boot Strap Billy's Who-Me brining in 11 for taking out the surprisingly dishonorable Penn Gillette from Acheron's stable.

With two elbow drop BCs and a couple of other ugly challenges, Stimpy found his way to the unfamiliar depths of the "top" of the dishonor list this week, with 7 points accrued.

"The coach told me to meet this guy I’ve never heard of, and that I'd better to strike him hard and quick. That's what I did. Five crippling blows was enough. Coach seems happy with the results." - Le Bar Des Templiers, at a press conference following the turn's Alliance Olympics action.

"The NBS master plan worked perfectly. We all decided I should challenge The Bruiser with Le Bar Des Templiers. We knew it would be a bloody fight because both had good kills to their names. I thought that my warrior's stamina and wisdom would give him the victory and it went beyond my expectations, with my warrior bringing us a kill and 3 points. Sorry to Potness Monster. I hope he was able to find a solid replacement. - Ted Supreme, explaining the circumstances around The Bruiser's death to the press after the turn.

"Wow, haven't been on this side of the "dead warrior" comments in a while. Lemme see. I love Nemesis. His public forum debates add unparalleled excitement to the arena games. For that reason, I don't believe I have ever challenged him in all the years I have been involved in warrior murder. This leaves me in a quandary. On one hand, I respect the hell outta the dude and I seriously hated that jagov Halfling, SMF. On the other hand, maybe I'm overdue for a challenge against Nem. Horror-Teria really likes to kill people and Fist Blister killed SMF on a week when potential recruits were especially crummy. Hmmm...I respect so very few people that decisions like this really hurt what's left of my decomposed brain. We'll just have to see how it goes." - Sanguine Savior, speaking to himself as much as to assembled reporters after Sire Marshal Feront's demise on fight day.

"The She-Fire of Ice happened to be my longest lived Halfling to date. I try to keep one of the little buggers on my roster, even though I'm not a big fan of them. Eisa started off strong, but started dwindling toward the 50 fight range and continued to dwindle until about 100 fights when I noticed that she had a record of 40-50. I don't like seeing my warriors cross the 100 fight mark with a losing record, but by the time I'd noticed her record there wasn't much I could do. But she did manage to go 7-3 in her next ten fights and finished her career by going 18-5. Which I'd say is a pretty good turn around." - Sleazee P Martinee, eulogizing a warrior lost to Dude Doomer's Barbaq 3 this turn.

"I'm quite pleased with Geryon's death. I wish all those cheap weapon-throwers would meet an early and painful death! Conan has really come alive since achieving his 100th fight, going 43-21-3 since but especially 30-9-2 since his 125th fight. I feel that he's finally lived up to his name and am expecting some great stuff from him in the future." - Sleazee, following up his comments on Eisa with some words on Conan the Barbarian's kill of Geryon.

"Well, that makes lucky number seven for our alliance in this silly contest! I really don't care how we stand in the contest rankings, only that we end up with the most kills!" - Sleazee P Martinee, looking at the bright side of 1-3-0 in regards to the Alliance Olympics (and referring specifically to Hammer of Gruumsh's kill of Brie De Meaux 4).

We hear whispers that there is more than Little Debbies use behind certain managers’ ability to send multiple warriors into the 100+ in such short order. Rumors abound of darker arts and nasty experiments, including the use of innocent life to rejuvenate the damned. Our reporters have been scared off the trail so far, but we hope to be able to bring real, hard facts to bear on this issue soon.

That's if for this week's edition of The Gazette! If you'd like to submit items for a future edition or provide feedback and clarifications, please pm them to my account on

-The Staff at The Pitt Gazette

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