Classic Jokes

I say to my wife:  I look in the mirror and I see a fat, ugly old man.  I need some help here.  Can you please give me a compliment?

Wife:  Well, you've got near perfect eye sight.
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Until I met my wife, I always felt incomplete.  Now?  I'm finished.
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My wife, oh she's cold.  Her side of the waterbed is frozen.
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My wife and I, we never have sex.  We get undressed and we can't stop laughing.
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But I tell ya, my wife SCREAMS when she has sex.  Especially when I walk in on her.

A German Shepherd, Doberman, and a cat have died. All three are faced with God, who wants to know what they believe in.
The German shepherd says, “I believe in discipline training, and loyalty to my master.”
“Good,” says God. “Then sit down on my right side. Doberman, what do you believe in?”
The Doberman answers, “I believe in the love, care, and protection of my master.”
“Ah, yes,” said God. “You may sit to my left.”
Then he looks at the cat and asks, “And what do you believe in?”
The cat answers, “I believe you’re sitting in my seat.”