Volume 1, Issue 14 - Turn 362

Hello and welcome to the Turn 362 Edition of the Gazette!


The Gazetteer is both happy and sad in piecing together this week’s edition of the Veteran’s Blade’s best newsrag. We are sad, because for the first time in weeks we cannot purvey the unique written stylings of one Cliff Banana on our readers. The Gazetteer is happy, though, because its always nice to get a chance to stretch once in awhile on sections, like the BC Round Up, that are probably better handled by those with a keener, and more impartial eye towards, cheapness. Nonetheless, all of you must suffer instead at the output of my own decrepit hands in that section this turn, and we hope that the Banana will be back for 363.

Elsewhere, as always, the Pit Gazette is proud to bring you the UW Alliance Analysis courtesy of the Padishah’s favorite whipping boy, Raul, and all the other content that our readers have come to expect from an issue of our magazine.

So, without any more preamble…WE DANCE.


FEATURED ARTICLE – THE MULTI MAFIA
Thugs wearing the smiling, spotted dog’s head that is the symbol of Vic Vegas’ stable and entourage were out in force around the city just prior to and during the day of combat this week. While spending most of their energy and time harassing suspected or known proxy managers (those who are illegally running more than one stable through a patsy), Vegas’ mob got somewhat out of hand and members were seen harassing warriors, fans and hangers-on of at least two apparently innocent stables, including that of the quiet and unassuming JB Bladeswinger.

On speaking to lower level members of Vegas’ organization, though, it appears that the attacks on Bladeswinger, verbal and arena-based, were a case of mistaken identity or, possibly, unfortunate coincidences. Regardless, maangers’ tempers flared around the city at being mistakenly accused of running proxy managers. Dude Doomer, member of the No Bozos Squad, was one stable master who apparently took exception to being singled out by Vegas’ posse, though he refused to comment when approached.

It’s not the first time that members of the No Bozos Squad have had to pay the price during the recent witch hunts for proxy managers. Since The Keeper’s Competition Committee has refused to take a principled stand on the matter in recent times, several veteran managers, those who remember the city’s threats to shut down the games after proxy scandals of the past, have taken justice into their own hands. Besides Vic Vegas’ recent actions, managers like Dux Mortalitas, Sleazee P. Martinee and Hosehead have all gone to war on the sands with members of the NBS. Acheron took it a step further, targeting and eliminating Undefeated Warrior contestants from Dude Doomer’s and alliance-mate Ffunker’s stables following the proxy-management revelations around Ffunker and Aho. As a result, NBS was entirely removed from the UW contest. Such are the dangers of alliances, though. The sins of one are often visited on all.

Where does this leave the city? The Gazetteer implores the Competition Committee and its leader, The Keeper, to come back to proactive management of the games. The fans of our game, and even the managers, need to be able to believe in the purity of the sport again. Each new suspected multi action (such as this turn’s revelations that possible proxy managers are keeping a warrior alive in UW by BC’ing with zero fight warriors each turn) serves to undermine faith in the game ever further. The abyss stands close. Our beloved sport teeters on the edge of doom.

Keeper, hear our call. Clean up our game. Much longer and there won’t be any game left.



FEATURED ARTICLE - UNDEFEATED WARRIOR ALLIANCE ANALYSIS
Greetings Friends! Oh most joyous day to you, it is I, Raul Anjinarikar Siv, here to bring you once again the proud reporting of the world of Alliances and once again an update on the closing days of the Undefeated Warrior contest.

Why, may you ask, am I in such a good mood? Well you may believe foolishly that it is simply that the Lords of Darkness have regained their lead and hold three promising, bull-like warriors among the herd of heifers that remain, but that is only part of it. The Padishah has informed me that if I fail I am merely to be stripped before you, good people of Veteran’s Blade, bare as a shaven yak and shackled to the arena entrance to bake in the sun for the day. I will gladly take the aloe rub down prescribed afterwards to the death sentence earlier promised to me. Thank you my lord, thank you!

But I digress. The Lords of Darkness retain three steadfast warriors: Blood Elder of Palor’s stable, a young, strong, and rippling lad; Sorah Magdar of Lord Dragon’s stable which as you know would be, well, a dragon; and Firebloom of Lord Kelvin’s stable which, believe it or not, dances quite well on a table for my Dinars. One of these three grand contestants will surely claim the title, especially after the worthless, spineless blood challenge of Xavier upon the poor dwarf named after a foodstuff from Poeg’s stable. Poeg has had tough luck in this tournament, for many people deem it ‘worthy’ or ‘sportsmanlike’ to drop an elbow on a UW contestant for merely sending one of their warriors to meet their eternal reward in paradise. I, for one, would thank them and move on. It is also worth noting that Sleazee P, the infamous bard of back-street rhymes, attempted not once but twice to eliminate LoD warriors but met with inevitable, glorious failure.

Coming in a laughable second is GAPPDA, whose warriors now number but two. I have more toes than that on my left foot, so I laugh once again at the thought. Fusion will be drowning his sorrows this week after Bass Master Misfit caught and mounted Trout in a pine box and the infamous Mammy lost on a random (of all things!). It is left to the insidious Xavier and his half-bred cousin by marriage Marius to field the pathetic Aedra the Punisher and Boing Boing against the masses of LoD’s best. Aedra fended off a challenge from none other than Palor himself who said she would be eliminated next turn for certainty. Pity, Xavier, that arena forms only have three avoid slots. Arena commission, ignore my previous plea for 7. In fact, if I may be so bold, it would be better to consider a reduction in avoid slots but no similar one in challenge areas. Just a suggestion!

This humble reporter tips his hat once again to DIE, the small, but effective, alliance that still fields the indomitable but loving Motherskille. It (oh, a gender is on the roster but have you seen Motherskille? I reiterate ‘it’) is rumored to be so powerful and canny that it will only fall if it kills a warrior and suffers a filthy elbow-drop BC. UW 7th round eliminee Whiskey Jack tried and failed (badly) to take out Motherskille this turn. We imagine that it will fall to the LoD to eliminate this warrior. GAPPDA has not the ability.

And now, with a mere 16 warriors left in the Undefeated Warrior contest, I turn my attention to the wider, action-packed turn that saw so many fall to the blades of the alliances. Let us look first at our golden boys, the LoD. Or should I say golden boy! Palor eliminated two warriors this turn and attempted a third. I am saying this right now, well done. Then, as much as it disgusts me to say it, you must give stage effects too GAPPDA for their efforts. No fewer than 6 UW challenges and 3 eliminations erupted forth from their Green and Purple halls. Now, I wish them to walk into a blazing inferno. Rounding out the field were two non-allied challengers with a grudge to settle. Acheron took revenge for last year’s UW elimination by narrowly defeating Dux Mortalitas’ final contestant (though losing a challenge to Frank’s last warrior) and of course the previously-mentioned Master Misfit performed his best Stimpy impression by slaughtering Trout.

Oh, and please, this is very funny. Apparently Shopslave has managed only in team fights for so long he forgot that when a warrior is killed you have to submit paperwork to the arena master to run the next turn. So, two more warriors go down as losers.

And who besides the alliances, are left? Well there is Sleazee P ‘busting’ a move with Rawg, Frank and his Dr. Strange, the enigmatic and oft-postulated-upon Spoiler’s Scales of the Dragon, Panther and her plate-clad Fixur, Marcus and his Malicious intent, Drakus and his protégé Vapula the vowel-laden, Silencer and his young warrior Sulfur (I hope that ‘2’ by the name doesn’t mean you just killed someone), E=MC2 (where E is someone and M and C are how many other managers he is masquerading as) with his warrior Lee, and Ill-Ox’s Poison, who, it is worth noting, was blood challenged twice in a row now by a 0 fight warriors from Debbie-Duz-Death’s stable. I tell you if you do not think there is something fishy going on, then there is some sand of high value I need to sell you.

Well, look at that, I have a date with a vendor who claims to have a magical cream to protect one’s skin from the sun, and I can tarry no longer here. Salaam and good hunting.


100 WIN CLUB WATCH
After an intriguing turn, all three contestants for the 100 Win Club are now tied up at 98 wins apiece. How is this possible you ask? It began with Damion’s Geryon, the win leader in the race for this coming milestone, losing a random to current 100 Win Club member Misery from Dux Mortalitas’ stable. With Geryon’s stumble, both remaining aspirants simply needed a win to draw even. M. Noirceur, like his competitor, ended up in a random match-up against a 100 Win Club member, in this case Poeg’s Saber. However, unlike Damion’s hard-luck match, M. Noirceur leveraged his greater fight experience to drive a victory. Finally, things did not look good for Elfkiller’s attempt to keep pace, as Dux Mortalitas’ warrior faced a fight on the terms of his opponent, Sleazee P. Martinee’s Conan the Barbarian. However, in a relatively short battle, it was Conan the Barbarian taking the loss and Elfkiller tying his fellow 100 Win Club hopefuls at 98 wins. It’s now officially anyone’s guess as to who will hit 100 wins first and if that warrior will do so alone.


THIS TURN'S 100 FIGHT BIRTHDAYS
A solid group of warriors celebrated their 100th Fight Days in Turn 362. Though not nearly so accomplished as the group of warriors to pass this milestone in recent turns, and showing as much in losing two of the three applicable fights, The Gazette staff always recognizes the accomplishment inherent of clinching winning records over 100 thoroughly trying contests. We are pleased to say that all three warriors surmounting the 100 fight plateau this week can hold claim to winning records, regardless of their travails this turn. Beginning with the only warrior to win their 100th fight this turn, we shower extra recognition on Masterpitter’s Bob, who defeated Stalker’s Rommell in a random match (himself also new to the 100 Fight ranks). Even more distinguishing, Bob is Masterpitter’s first warrior to break the 100 Fight barrier, and does so with 55 wins and 3 kills to his name. Very nice work, Masterpitter, and we hope you remain more consistently in Veteran’s Blade going forward, shepherding more and more warriors to 100 fights as you go. Losing in his 100th fight to Hosehead’s butt Hat, but bringing a solid 58 wins and 3 kills of his own to this storied milestone is Ilneval’s Beric Dondarrion. It is truly impressive the number of warriors that Ilneval has recently driven to 100 fights, and it doesn’t end with Beric as a couple turns hence DT Jesus will likely also join his older stable mates. Our final 100 Fight warrior of the turn was Solincar Nelflan’s Red Wing, who lost a lengthy battle to much younger Gimli4 of Danny D Bloody’s stable, to reach 100 fights with 51 wins.

Hearty congratulations to all three managers and their warriors.


NEXT TURN'S 100 FIGHT BIRTHDAYS
Compared to the recent deluge of 100 Fight days, the next couple turns will not see many warriors reaching this milestone. However, another potential torrential downpour is no more than 8 to 12 turns away, with some luck. Turn 362 only has 2 potential 100 Fight warriors, and neither should have much leeway to crow about their accomplishments. Tolome’s Stumpette will shuffle zombie-like into her milestone assured of doing so with a losing record, bringing 52 losses into the match. Elsewhere, Nads’ scum-fed Elf Pre Monster will also reach 100 fights, likely against the oh-so-fearsome Peasant Scum.

Personally, the Gazette staff is pulling for Jim the Half-Ogre’s now 4-man Designation: Target team to work their magic on Pre Monster’s team (if possible).


NOTABLE DEATHS
Last turn proved to be just a lull in the action, as Turn 362 brought pit fans everywhere a heady increase in veteran slaughter, including one 100+ death.

The Gazette reports with some sadness that a warrior that our fine publication has been tracking since our first issue, win which we made note of his 100th Fight Day. In a short random match between two well-seasoned killers, the fight went to the older Half-Orc and the Elf went to meet its forebears in the afterlife.

Izzbot made himself available after the fight and granted a comment to our reporters: “A sad day falls for me this week as Chutzpah died a death she didn't deserve. Killed while still in her prime by an iffy couple of hits, she had barely been scratched in her fights before.”

Chutzpah compiled 69 wins and 43 losses in 112 turns in our arena along with 7 kills, 2 coming after his 100th Fight.

Gramps’ lone standout Saint Nixon accrued his third kill and the second since passing 50 fights experience in slaughtering Lord Kelvin’s Grunt 2 in Half-Orc on Half-Orc action (his last kill also came against a member of the Legion of Darkness, Solincar Nelflan’s Keldon).

Grunt 2’s career is cut short at 47 wins and 20 losses, with 3 kills.

JB Bladeswinger’s Kora Lynn paid the ultimate price this turn after making an apparently poor choice in challenges, singling out Aconite’s older Rustov. Rustov responded to the annoyance by putting Kora Lynn down permanently.

Kora Lynn, sadly, dies with a .500 record, 35 wins and the same number of losses with a single kill to her name.

Lady Templar continued her recent string of improbable 50+ kills with a random match slaying of Danny D Bloody’s Human kill machine Strider (sidekick to Chuck the Barkeep, his other human kill machine) by fellow human Peter. On the other end of things, however, Lady Templar also lost an excellent warrior in Mary Murphy to Drakus’ Violet, also in randoms.

Strider leaves behind a strong 37 win, 26 loss record with 5 kills while Mary Murphy leaves us with a 36-18-1 record.

Our lone BC kill of a 50+ warrior this turn came in Acheron’s revenge attempt on Dude Doomer’s Megadeth 4, who had slain near-50 fight warrior Sunspot just two turns before. Megaton shed his pacifistic image this turn in quickly dispatching Megadeth 4 before a solid crowd.

Dude Doomer was reclusive after the fight (for several reasons, including unfounded accusations by Vic Vegas’s Multi Mafia) but Acheron stopped to discuss the outcome with our reporters. “Clearly, I’m pleased by the outcome. Dude Doomer’s challenge and kill on Sunspot denied my stables a very interesting warrior who had overcome a lot of struggles to get close to 50 fights with his record. Even more pleasing, however, is that it’s clear Megaton has finally come into her own with some recent style changes. I’m very proud of her this day.”

Megadeth 4 leaves behind only two stable mates with winning records at or above 50 fights, and compiled a very solid 30 wins and 2 kills in 51 fights.

Tolome brought the Veteran’s Blade its only other challenge kill of the turn, sending Thwup after Ted Supreme’s Un Melon. Like most of the kills this week, it did not take long for a winner to emerge, and Un Melon fell to the sands never to rise again.

Ted Supreme kindly shared his thoughts after the match: “Un Melon is sadly missed and grieved by her manager and teammates. She was a master of her weapon, defensive tactics and initiative and was a fast learner. I remember she always referred to herself as a "unique iron-like, genius Halfling"! To motivate her before a fight I would tell her she was too big and clumsy to fight. Her death was a surprise. She fought well in the first minute, only to be overwhelmed and killed by few critical blows.”

Un Melon managed 28 wins in 52 fights before succumbing to Tolome’s challenger.

The final 50+ kills of the turn came in a crowd-pleasing, extraordinarily bloody team fight between two real veterans (some might even dare say, masters) of the form, Jim the Half Ogre and Damion. The teams arrayed against each other? Designation: Target and The Rockheads. With Shopslave away from the city, this was the top teams match up of the turn, and by no means did the fans or peasantry go home unentertained. When the dust settled, three warriors lie demolished, including two 50+ veterans from The Rockheads, Flint and Feldspar.

Still heady from the excitement, Jim the Half-Ogre offered the following summary of his thoughts: “I think I'll mostly let the fight speak for itself... I will say, however, that my favorite thing to do in this sport is tear down a high level team by nailing several of its members. Designation: Target and my Unemployed Peasants have done this a number of times already and my new ORKS team, I hope, will become specialists in this area.”

The Gazette sends its condolences to all managers who lost veteran warriors this turn. We salute those who ended them as well.


BC ROUNDUP
The Undefeated Warrior contest must be close to wrapping up, because Turn 362 was party to a major spike in Blood Challenges of all stripes, with 52 total BCs (up 8 from Turn 361 and 12 from 360). There were several interesting wrinkles to the BCs, including use of gigaton BCs to eliminate UW candidates (Xavier) and use of lame BCs to keep other UW candidates in play.


THE GOOD
With the increase in Blood Challenge incidence came a nice set of impressive Blood Challenge fight offs while at a fight disadvantage. The Gazette congratulates the following warriors and managers who fended off a Blood Challenger that brought a fight advantage into the BC (fight advantage in parentheses):

Bandit’s ZERO (giving up 35 fights to Master Misfit’s HYPERBOLIC FATIGUE)
JB Bladeswinger’s BURNOR BLOODBATH (giving up 15 fights to Palor’s RHUBARB)
Ted Supreme’s LE BAR DES TEMPLIERS (giving up 9 fights to Lady Sarafin’s PAVIX ONE-BROW)
Tars Tarkas’ DARBY O'GILL (giving up 9 fights to Damion’s SVEN BJÖRVIC)
E=MC2’s ENDER (giving up 8 fights to Jaws’ LUICIFER)
Bonesnap’s DAVE (giving up 8 fights to Davron’s SQUIRE RUNSALOT)
Bonesnap’s CHRIS (giving up 7 fights to Shadow Master’s DWEEBUS, adding the KILL)
Zeus’ TOXIC (giving up 4 fights to Missus Biggus’ HONEY RYDER)
JB Bladeswinger’s REKAGE (794) (giving up 3 fights to Mygdar Le Gnome’s THE CANDY MAN)
Commandant Eitch’s YUMI-YARI (giving up 3 fights to Shadow Master’s JANEY)

Of particular note are the two managers who both fought off two legitimate downwards Blood Challenges apiece in Turn 362, JB Bladeswinger and Bonesnap. It appears that Burnor Bloodbath, Rekage, Dave and Chris may be warriors worth watching going forward. The Gazetteer will have his eyes on you.

The flipside of the skill shown above is good old Shadow Master, who lost two BCs of his own choosing while having the fight advantage.

Regardless, none of the noted moderately impressive wins grabbed our BC Fight Off of the week award. Instead, the Gazette bestows that honor on Bandit’s Zero, who at 15-4-1 managed to defeat Master Misfit’s 54 fight warrior, Hyperbolic Fatigue (who should be ashamed given his solid 32-22-1 record). Funnily enough, this was Zero’s fourth straight turn in a BC fight of some kind, as he spent turns 359 and 360 beating, then killing Master Misfits Pickled Finger and then dodged revenge in 361 by BC’ing Chaos Lillith’s Velial. Very clever management, Bandit. The BC Round Up approves.


THE BAD
Despite the re-tooling of the Honor system two turns ago, several managers appear not to have received the memo that upwards BCs that fail to catch a win aren’t worth anything. Well, aside from the embarrassment of being exposed in our own Gazette. The following warriors and managers might want to re-think their BC strategies next turn after failing to win a BC against long odds (fight differential in parentheses).

Eca Za’s BUTTERBEAN gives up an illogical 37 fights to Scotty Body’s DOOMSDAY JESUS and pays the prices with his life.
Ill-Ox’s DIE mistakes Boot Strap Billy’s SKULL-BASHER for a MONSTER and gives up 10 fights and loses.
Sir Brandox’s HELLHOUND JR gives up 5 fights and loses to Ilneval’s MAUM EYKRAPDEM.
Chaos Lillith’s POE gives up 2 fights and loses to Bandit’s BAM BAM.
Scotty Body’s T-BIRD 9 gives up 6 fights and loses to Black Foxx’s MONIKA.
Debbie-Duz-Death’s Fabio gives up 16 fights and loses to Sdan’s MONGO SMASH
Debbie-Duz-Death’s GONNA GET YA gives up 11 fights and loses to UW contestant POISON of Ill-Ox’s stable.
Sir Brandox’s WHIMPY WHIMPET gives up 1 fight and loses to Terminator’s YO DADDY.

Some interesting challenge decisions there, managers of Veteran’s Blade. Sir Brandox, especially, should take some time to think over whether recalibration of BCs is in order in Turn 363. Debbie-Duz-Death at least has the alleged excuse of being new to our sport (though one wonders why for two straight turns this manager has BC’d a UW contestant with 0-fight warriors). Something is fishy in the state of Deb-mark.


THE UGLY
For the first time in awhile, the BC list was veritably over-flowing with enough ugly to fill up a Half-Orc prom night. Many, many veteran (40 or more fights) warriors saw fit to drop on warriors with far less experience this turn, with more than one resulting in a kill. Some of the highlights (along with select additional uglies) can be found below.

Scotty Body’s SUFFERING OVERDUE (144 fights, 94-50-5) converts Sir Brandox’s 16-fight warrior TRAZ ILLTRA into a fine, wet paste.
Xavier’s BETTY THE BLOND (82 fights, 58-25-1) drops on and eliminates Poeg’s 40-fight warrior BOCCONCINI from Undefeated Warrior.
Valcor Aurthor’s WRECKLESS (96 fights, 62-34-10) beats Ill-Ox’s 20-fight warrior BROTHER.
Palor’s XENLIAN (101 fights, 59-42-1) defeats Staple Gun’s 31-fight warrior CHERT.
Commandant Eitch’s SCRATCHING COW (83 fights, 38-45-1) beats Bill Taylor’s 50-fight GENE.
Angel of Death’s JEZE LARGESNOUT (86 fights, 40-46-1) lands heavily on Lady Sarafin’s 37-fight warrior J'XOM.
The Spoiler’s FLOOD (64 fights, 36-28-1) masticates on Frank’s 41-fight warrior MERCURY.
Caesar Invictus’ DEATH ADDER (60 fights, 40-20-3) boils over on Silencer’s 34-fight warrior KELVIN.
Palor’s MESSIAH (61 fights, 40-21-5) folds, spindles, mutilates and demolishes Silencer’s 9-fight corpse MOLKAR.
Drakus’ THE SHOOK (45 fights, 31-14-3) completes Silencer’s lovely day by pounding 24-fight warrior MAXIMUS CENTAURUS.
Egor’s GRUNTER (52 fights, 31-21-2) chips a chunk off of E=MC2’s 15-fight PIECE OF THE ROCK.
The Warlord’s SILVER LEAF (47 fights, 21-26-2) crushes Scotty Body’s 16-fight S.A.T.O.
Chaos Lillith’s THANATOS (44 fights, 22-22-2) sent an anti-candygram to Sah’s 12-fight VANENTINE-RTS.
Validian’s ONE HIT BLUNDER (50 fights, 17-33-0) was off to crush D-Man’s 7-fight THE WIZARD.

While the Ugly BC of the Weak is an easy call several other thoughts pop to mind while looking over this list.

First, welcome back, Staple Gun!
Second, Silencer clearly killed the wrong managers’ warriors (seriously, try aiming for Ill-Ox or Shadow Master next time).
Third, Xavier must have accrued some serious good karma to redeem for a cheap shot at Poeg’s last UW contestant.
And finally, congratulations (of a sort) to Scotty Body for once again over-using the Blood Challenge option to capitalize on the weak for cheap kills. The Ugly BC of the Weak is yours. Sooner or later we might just have to name the award after you.


MANAGER OF THE WEEK
With a 20 win turn, a 100 Fight milestone and 1 net honor point for his turn, Manager of the Week is a simple call to make for Turn 362. Ilneval, the Gazette staff bows to your recent run of excellence. Kudos.

All three of the Runner Up candidates at 18 wins mixed in some level of down challenge action for the turn, but with 2 kills and 1 fewer point of dishonor, the Gazette bestows the honor on Palor, leaving Acheron and Xavier out in the cold.

Congratulations to all four managers on fantastic turns in 362.


RANDOM NOTES
Bonesnap/Zeus continues to dominate the revised dishonor rankings by habitually down challenging sub-.500 warriors.

Cliff Banana and Tolome, undaunted by new win requirements, have managed to find away to continue to top the revised honor rankings each turn. The Gazette staff congratulates them on their efforts.


THIS TURN IN QUOTES
“THWUP, even with her poor win ratio, looks like a real killer with her race and weapon. I’m not sure C'EST BON LES FRUITS can avenge her death. The rest of her teammates seem too young and inexperienced to fight THWUP. But if I can't harm [THWUP], maybe I can hurt someone else? I'll think about it.” - Ted Supreme after the turn at a press conference


WHISPERS AROUND THE VETERAN'S BLADE
After much back-room sound and fury, the alleged brewing war between two noted managers resulted in a first turn whimper, with only two challenges landing in Turn 362 between Sleazee P. Martinee and Acheron. It appears that neither manager could be considered to be truly focusing on the other, as both landed a significant number of challenges on other managers’ warriors. The Gazette’s reporters will continue to watch in coming turns.


That's if for this week's edition of The Gazette! If you'd like to submit items for a future edition or provide feedback and clarifications, please pm them to my account on pitt.bloodspit.net.

-The Staff at The Pitt Gazette