Volume 1, Issue 38 - Turn 386

Intro? We don't need no stinkin' intros.


ALLIANCE OLYMPICS ROUND WRAP-UP AND PREVIEWS
The Gazette can truthfully say that we called all four matches correctly this turn. Sadly, the outcome of these predictions was the elimination from playoff contention of all four teams that lost this turn: the NBS, both Council Factions and the Brute Squad. There's little of note to analyze this turn, with all four favorites emerging with wins, so let's quickly move on to next turn predictions, which will slot GAP, PDA and LOD Black into their playoff slots.

To an extent, GAP controls their destiny this turn, though they face a stiff challenge from a highly motivated LOD Black team. With a win, GAP will seize sole control of the 2nd playoff spot. We're picking GAP to win a squeaker and take home 2nd place in the regular season with a 6-1-0 record.

The loss will drop LOD Black into the 4th playoff spot at 4-3-0, because we're picking PDA to barely hold off an NBS team that would dearly love to play spoiler in their match up. This will leave PDA at 5-2-0 and 3rd place in the regular season.

Oddly enough, this will then leave both Alliances to fight their brethren for a shot at the championship in the playoffs (with 1st seed Frostbite facing 4th seed Black, and GAPPDA at 2 and 3 committing serious Dot-on-Dot violence).

We're looking forward to seeing these predictions come true this weekend.


FEATURED ARTICLE – RAUL'S ALLIANCE UPDATE
Just as the midday sun casts no shadows I, Raul Anjinarikar Siv, am sure to deliver you another report of rumor and innuendo from the world of alliances. We have walked the long desert of the regular season of the Alliance Olympics, and with the Oasis of Finals now in view, it is clear that four travelers will not reach the shade as the sun beats down upon their beasts of burden, and they await the festering beaks of the Vultures of Defeat that circle above. Four now stand as finalists and though only one's destiny in the seeding is assured, the rest stand down tired and sweat covered from competition.

There are things, like noses, that remain on the face but can be seen by everyone. Such is the case with knowing that Frostbite has been undefeated up to this point in the competition. A sure bet is a safe bet, my master is fond of saying, and already much coin is jingling in his purse after another week of dominance from the elite of the elite. But let this not bring the name of those who are first among the lost down, for the NBS scored 27 points against the fearsome Frostbite. Will the non-bozos play king maker by defeating PDA this coming round and forcing them into the fourth seed to face certain oblivion at the hands of Frostbite? Inquisitive minds want to know.

What of the second half of my Padishah’s favorite alliance? Black brought home the gold and a seat at the table of victory by besting DIE in what would amount to a purely defensive set of victories. A shock to the committee, by the look on their faces, was received for those who issue challenges on the rounds. LoD received far more challenges this time, and garnered a mere 6 point victory, even after the application of penalty points by the rogue one-man strong-arm of Sanguine Savior taking revenge by throwing extra wins to the members of GAPPDA. For a second week in a row, DIE brings the primary game to the opponent and barely falls short.

Anticipation often acts like ice to the tips of breasts during a cold night on the mountain. Such was the feeling on the chests of hundreds of spectators lining up to see STUD bring a deserved beating to the upstart GAP team. But refunds where demanded all around, as an utter rout of 34-10 was scored against the Council Team, mostly at the foot of Missus Bigus who had a full 20 of her matches against the vicious and unkind dotted warriors, but only a single victory. And once again we see Hoffa, the silent partner of the most vocal and annoying alliance, raking in win after win with his stable of performance-enhancement loving minions. I would ask the obvious about having shame, but clearly there is no point in bandying about rhetorical questions.

Lastly we cannot ignore the match between the underdog Brute Squad and the PDA group of misfits. Of note, Xavier took wind to mouth and inhaled, which seems to be a hobby of his of late. But this did not matter, for his other two teammates paid attention in class and skipped the seminar on losing to pull through with strong performance on the overwhelmed Brute Squad. One could not help but yawn at a mere 34-fight match up, and I cannot help but suspect that someone has paid someone somewhere to do something. Somehow.

But in any case, I have a week of play before sweating it out, for my Padishah has placed an enormous bet on the front runner. And as you know, there will be pain, humiliation, and perhaps a trip for me if his choices end up being bad. He used to kick his dog, now he beats his henchman. Salaam and Good Hunting.


THIS TURN'S 100 FIGHT BIRTHDAYS
There weren't any, but...


NEXT TURN'S 100 FIGHT BIRTHDAYS
...just like that we return to patterns of the present day, with four warriors poised to hit that magical 100th Fight milestone in Turn 387. Davron, who has been without a warrior in the 100+ for several turns will particularly enjoy the coming turn, as fully half of the total new 100+ warriors will belong to his stable: Tratori and Helios, with Helios being a particularly excellent addition to the pool of super-veterans, even if Tratori is more of an also-ran. Joining these two warriors in celebration of long, excellent careers in our bloody sport will be Dux Mortalitas' self-referential Mortalitas and Angel of Death's deadly Victr. Both of these warriors bring extremely solid records to the table as well, so the Gazette is expecting quite a lot of celebratory fervor around the city after the day's fighting this coming weekend.

Good luck to all four warriors on the coming fight day!


NOTABLE DEATHS
Just as four warriors prepare to push across into the 100+, two of its current population were exterminated in Turn 386: Ilneval's Foresaken and Nads' Elf of the Year. Joining these two lamented departed were an additional 8 warriors with more than 50 fights, including two others, The Demon's Knitemare and Fflunker's Jay-Jay Okocha, that were within 10 weeks of shedding their newbie status (at least in the eyes of the most curmudgeonly of fans and managers).

It was a particularly rough turn for Ilneval (as many over the last few months have been) with the loss of his top-ranked warrior to Caesar Invictus' Punisher in a singles match that was, while tragic, an easy crowd favorite on the weekend, with both warriors landing tremendously damaging blows across 2 minutes of action, but Punisher getting in the last, and most meaningful, hits. It was Punisher's 10th kill, tying him for the lead among active warriors with Palor's Elf Moss and Valcor Aurthor's Half-Orc Wreckless.

Foresaken joins his departed teammates after a long, solid career in which he earned 85 wins while dropping only one kill in 139 fights.

One must wonder what earned Nads' Elf of the Year a terminal visit from Acheron's diminutive, coke-addled Dwarf Robin Williams. After all, it's not like Nads is known to challenge or otherwise provoke managers with caustic bile in the city's taverns. Indeed, according to Acheron, his top level warriors aren't even challenging (so much for that this turn, when 3 of them did). More on that later. The fans showed up and got an entirely one-sided beating for their trouble, with Elf of the Year landing only one blow, and that at the beginning of the second minute (which proved to be the last 60 seconds of his life).

Elf of the Year ends his second, less lauded year after putting together 56 wins and a kill in 110 fights.

As noted, three active warriors in the arena are sitting on 10 kills as of Turn 386. Now not one but two warriors are right behind the leaders with 9 kills, as D-Man's standout Half-Orc Black Nightshade joined the hit parade by putting down The Demon's Knightmare in just under 2 full minutes of action this turn.

Knightmare enjoyed a solid 94-fight career, adding 52 wins and 3 kills to The Demon's lifetime record.

Angel of Death is a quiet, but improving presence in our proud city, and Victr is in many ways the pinnacle of his career so far. Victr continued Angel of Death's emergence by gaining his 8th kill in a singles match against Acheron's top Halfling, Fluffy. In as much as Robin Williams may have dominated his kill of Elf of the Year above, Acheron was dealt karmic payback in Fluffy's utter destruction by Victr in less than one minute.

Fluffy settles peacefully into the grave after a solid career that spanned 80 fights on the nose, 51 of them ending with a win and 2 of those with a kill.

The top Alliance Olympics kill of the turn goes to Poeg and his Dwarf Bocconcini, who laid the lumber to Ffunker's oldest living warrior and Half-Orc Jay-Jay Okocha. The fans got their money's worth on this death match at least, as the fight lasted into the 3rd minute.

Jay-Jay Okocha passes after a long, but mediocre 90-fight career in which he had as many wins, 45, as losses.

Jay-Jay was far from the only veteran slain in the Alliance Olympics this turn, though, as Lord Kelvin's Twice the Haggis and Mygdar Le Gnome's Korum "Le Mur" both made fatal errors in challenging D-Man's Mark Warner and Dux Mortalitas' Pitt Lord respectively. While Twice the Haggis didn't make it out of the 2nd minute, Korum at least had the wherewithal to give the fans a bit more bang for their buck, falling permanently in the 3rd minute.

Twice the Haggis perishes after 50 wins and 3 kills in 77 fights while Korum "Le Mur" ends his days with a record of 39 wins, 3 kills and 23 losses.

After Sanguine Savior's semi-exasperated response to his last veteran kill, The Gazette was very much looking forward to his reaction to Motherskille's 5th kill, this of Chaoslillith's excellent Elf Pruflas. It looked like a slight mismatch on paper, and when all was said and done it proved to be so.

Pruflas is forced into early retirement after a 54 fight career that saw 38 wins and 2 kills.

One of the last men (ok, Half-Orcs) standing from this year's Undefeated Warrior contest just notched his 8th kill in just 43 fights, taking out The Overlord's Weeping Willow in just under 2 minutes. Fans and managers alike will be keeping an eye on Joshua, especially as he is likely to face an excellent Dwarf named Mordin Ironbeard for the next three turns.

Weeping Willow sheds a final tear at the end of a 58 fight career in which she'd pocketed 32 wins and 4 kills.

Last but not least was another in a long line of recent team fight losses for Jim the Half-Ogre, who this turn saw Pocket Hercules fall to Damion's The Rockheads team.
Is a monstering soon to follow for bereaved Achilles 2?

Tune in next turn for more Notable Deaths and the managers and fans who loved them.


CLIFF BANANA’S BC ROUNDUP
Good day, sporting fans! As the Olympics wind down, the Blood Challenge totals continue upward. While not bringing in the lofty fight totals of a week ago, the total numbers for the week remain up compared to the recent history during the Olympics. Unlike previous turns, we saw quite a bit of carnage as 20% of our BC's ended with a carcass being plucked from the sands. Our Ugly, again, outpaced the Good, but this time with a couple of kills thrown in the mix.

THE GOOD
Our list of brave BC defenders remains tragically thin as gladiators are finding it harder and harder to overcome the experience disparity that comes with many of these fights. In a battle of warriors who shouldn't even be trusted with salad spoons, we saw the pedestrian GENTLEMAN JACK, coming into the fight at 6-5-1; overcome the downright awful STUNTY (14-24-1) despite giving up twenty-seven fights in the deal. In a lengthy battle of up-and-comers, The Overlord's FORLORN gave eight fights, but still managed to defeat Blackstorm's DOOMBLADE.
Congratulations to all of our BC Defenders!

Warden's GENTLEMAN JACK (27)
The Overlord's BURLY BOB (10)
Solincar Nelflan’s FORLORN (8)

A couple of special recognitions this turn; Vic Vegas, Warden, and Silencer all for using their BC's to upchallenge and defeat their foe and uphold the honor of their stables. Your actions are an example to the arena at large! Additional congratulations go to Bandit. Bandit posted a three-win BC turn this cycle. While one of those wins was due to an Ugly challenge, it was an Ugly challenge on a semi-frequent Alliance Olympics interloper, Sliv. Just desserts were served as Bandit's ANT killed Sliv's STRUM inside of 1 minute. Bandit, nice job providing Olympics security!!

THE BAD sponsored by Poppa Balrog
A rather standard turn of Bad this round, including both managerial futility and just some plain old bad decisions. As was partially mentioned earlier, the interloping Sliv took a bit of beating this turn. While Bandit dispatched one warrior and beat another, Sliv also took a third BC loss on the turn for good measure.. A rather Bad turn for both Drachir and Chen Man Ching as each dropped two BC contests. What made it particularly tough was that they were all on receipt of Ugly downwards BCs. Ouch! We have to call out Blister this round as he BC'd and killed a warrior from an alliance member, the first true, non-Alliance-Lympics instance of Dot-on-Dot violence. You can expect that there will be some rather tense discussions at the next alliance meeting. Finally, we get to the Boot Strap Billy portion of the Bad. This manager continues to interfere in the Olympics despite repeated requests to stop and despite the staggering number of losses received as a result of that interference. Boot Strap was punished at the hands of Acheron again and overall has dropped six out of seven BC contests over the past three turns. Boot Strap Billy is being called out for his interference, BC futility and for generally being a bag of cleaning material utilized by the feminine sort in their most private of places (we mean the restroom, of course, for those of you with dirty minds!)

THE UGLY
A full and vile list of the Ugly, highlighted by a couple of kills but which, sadly, will not likely yield an expanded conflict. Dux's YAMAKAGASHI slew the helpless BRUNHILDE of Blister's stable after dropping down thirty-eight fights to engage in the contest. Drachir endured one hundred and fourteen fights of total disparity in dropping two mis-match fights to Bandit and Palor..

Palor's XENBRU (70)
Acheron's PAULA POUNDSTONE (50)
Bandit's MIIDNIGHT (47)
Angel of Death's YDUR DOLA (44)
Nads' HACK ATTACK (39)
Dux Mortalitas' YAMAKAGASHI (38)
Davron's FLORIN (37)

And so, the Blood Challenge list returns slowly to normality. With only four teams going into the Alliance Olympics playoffs after next week, we expect the carnage to only expand.


MANAGER OF THE WEEK[b]
With 21 wins and 2 kills, as well as a rebound turn in the Alliance Olympics, Dux Mortalitas is the easy call here for Manager of the Week. We have no choice, however, to make special note of Poppa Balrog's 20 win, 1 kill turn also within the context of the Alliance Olympics contest. We hope that having printed these words, Poppa Balrog and his warriors will stop picketing for recognition outside our offices and return to their training for next turn.


[b]RANDOM NOTES
For the second time in two turns, this time while punishing AL interloper Boot Strap Billy to the tune of 5 wins a kill, Acheron rolled up the top dishonor tally for the day.

As part of Dux Mortalitas' big day in the Alliance Olympics, he also took home the top Honor tally on a spate of upwards challenges.


THIS TURN IN QUOTES
"Korum "Le Mur" rather prophetically began the fight screaming out the portentous words, "NO HOPE..." He died very true to his words. There may not have been hope for Korum, but I suspect that there will be hope for Mygdar's future warriors. It impresses me that Mygdar Le Gnome has been able to get quite a few guys into the 50+ so early on in his career. He has high prospects for a solid future in our games. Pitt Lord bows respectfully to the fallen." - Dux Mortalitas, complimentary of the dead at his post-fights press conference.

"The battle was bloody with both warriors trading devastating hits throughout the first minute and into the second. Then Punisher completely took over, scoring 6 sequential hits, 4 of which where heard outside the arena walls. With a last second change up to his strategy, Foresaken tried to salvage something from the fight, but Punisher simply would not be denied on this day. RIP Foresaken, and congratulations to Ilneval on yet another excellent 100+ warrior." - Caesar Invictus, humble in victory.

"It was a very brutal fight. Punisher showed why he has the record that he has. Foresaken was no slouch in his own right, he just wasn't quite fast enough to keep up with Punisher, blow for blow. The attacks Foresaken landed were definitely quality hits, and I am sure Punisher will still feel them for a few days afterwards, but it simply wasn't enough." - Ilneval, humble in defeat.

"Motherskille motherskilled somebody last turn. Get it? He's sleeping or at the brothel or passed out in a gutter, I don't really know. What I do know is that he is 'spose to be tending bar at the Slaughterhaus. So if you see him get your little quote on whatever [epithet deleted] he killed and tell him to get his [epithet deleted] [epithet deleted] back to work!!! NOW!!!" - A perturbed Sanguine Savior, cornered by reporters at the Slaughterhaus after the turn.

"Black Nightshade and Mark Warner continue to surprise me with their efficiency at killing. They are both the most prolific killers I have ever had in my stable and they were joined my ranks at roughly the same time. Don't know what was in the water when they were born, but I'd like some more of it." - D-Man, discussing Mark Warner's 8th kill and Black Nightshade's 9th this turn.

"Yes, you!" - Paula Poundstone, heard by fans nearest the action, directed to the corpse of "Who-Me", after putting him down this turn.


That's it for this week's edition of The Gazette! If you'd like to submit items for a future edition or provide feedback and clarifications, please pm them to my account on pitt.bloodspit.net.

-The Staff at The Pitt Gazette