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Volume 1, Issue 18 - Turn 366

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Volume 1, Issue 18 - Turn 366

Post  lord_dragon on Fri Jun 03, 2011 4:45 pm

Welcome to the Turn 366 Edition of the Pit Gazette. We had quite an interesting turn to cover this week, and for that we give thanks to Poppa Balrog, Sanguine Savior, Stalker, Terminator and many, many others. It’s not often that controversy of the magnitude of Nigma-Gate occurs in our glorious city, but we’re happy to be here to cover it when it does.

As usual, we are proud to bring you the barely lucid stylings of Raul with his Undefeated Warrior round-up. As we attempt to gather his submission from him each turn, our reporters are certainly getting to know the shadier and seedier watering holes available to the lesser denizens of our city. With as much money as his feared Padishah has, you would think Raul could afford to run in more upscale circles. But we digress.

And to avoid any further digressions, we move on to the meat of this meal.

For those who have been fans of our national sport for many years, certainly for those who have followed the game since GAPPDA first “graced” our fair arena, conflict between Poppa Balrog and Sanguine Savior has been a kind of constant background noise. In recent days, it seemed that conflict had been channeled into a friendlier sort of rivalry. All that changed in an instant when Sanguine Savior arrived at the arena complex on the morning of Turn 366 to find that there would be no BC fight for Thingmaker that day.

Instead, Thingmaker found himself arrayed against a challenger from Stalker’s stable, Veteran’s Blade’s Top Ranked Halfling, Popper. How was this possible? Had Edward Nigma managed to slot a lucky triplet of avoids? Sanguine Savior and Thingmaker glanced around the arena in puzzlement as the fight began.

It would be Thingmaker’s final appearance in the arena, to the chagrin of many, fans and managers alike. Struck suddenly and powerfully early in the fight, an old wound reopened and Thingmaker bled out upon the sands before a chirurgeon could make it out to the fighting surface.

Sanguine Savior angrily left the Arena after the fight. It wasn’t long before his anger turned to dismay and disgust.

You see, Edward Nigma hadn’t avoided a fight with Thingmaker as was initially suspected. It’s rare, but it happens. No, in this case, he’d simply not fought at all.

Of course, this is not the first time that Poppa Balrog has set a team to sit out a turn or three in order to avoid what he considered an unfair Blood Challenge. Not by a long shot. In a new twist, however, the enigmatic GAPPDA manager had managed to have the Competition Committee process his deactivation paperwork in such a way that no one had even noticed until the morning of the turn’s competitions arrived.

Though none was willing to go on record, several sources within the Arena bureaucracy suggested to the Gazette that a tidy sum of gold changed hands between Balrog and an unnamed member of the Competition Committee, specifically to expedite processing of a Change of Status Form 23a after-hours on Fight Eve.

As the fight day closed and the circumstances around Thingmaker’s death began to circulate around the complex, fan reaction shifted heavily towards the sentiment that Poppa Balrog had taken the cheap way out in sitting Nigma. Few that the Gazette talked to disagreed, though if Thingmaker had survived the turn it’s possible that fan reaction might have been skewed more towards 50/50. As it is, it looks like there may be hard turns coming for Poppa Balrog.

Sanguine, on learning of the events leading up to Thingmaker’s match with Popper, was understandably livid. When our reporters asked for comment, he would only say, “I refuse to speak about Thingy. What I will say is that there is a storm of hell brewin'. The days of Sanguine "randomly" killing people are over. Wrongs will be righted, and cowards assassinated.”

Strong words, but as a manager of killers, Sanguine Savior is certainly paralleled by few, if any. It’s not difficult to guess where this is headed for all concerned.

Poppa Balrog only briefly emerged for comment this week, spending most of his time in isolation, but he did defend his decisions to one Gazette reporter.

"Thingmaker was a great warrior, which was exactly the reason I didn't want to fight him at an incredible mismatch."

Finally, the Gazette sat down with the manager who benefited the most from this sordid affair, Stalker, who provided his point of view on the kill of Thingmaker.

“Popper challenged Thingmaker thinking that he stood a very real chance of the fight resulting in a kill, one way or the other. Fortunately, Popper was the killer and not the kilee. Thingy got in the first weak blow of the fight and then Popper leveled him with a devastating hit which ended Thingmaker’s life and his chance for Half-Orc glory and a 14th kill.”

And yet, Thingmaker carved out an impressive niche, finishing with 81 wins and 13 kills, good enough to make the Top Killers list maintained at Dux’s Tavern behind two Humans who lived much longer lives. Some can quibble about how one or more of those kills were reaped, but the Gazette instead congratulates Sanguine and Thingmaker for building such a legacy, and joins the Savior in mourning a departed superstar.

Ah, again we meet. Raul Anjinarikar Siv welcomes you to the Alliance Report. Yes. You can do anything you want while reading the alliance report. The only limit is yourself. Again, we see the Undefeated Warrior contest twist towards the inevitable, predetermined conclusion that my master so wisely chose to bet on: A victory for the Legion of Darkness.

This glorious turn saw neither of the two mighty combatants of the Lords of Darkness fail in their task to stay focused on the target of the glorious prize. With great relief Firebloom beat, but did not kill, Glory, preventing a date with the unfathomable myth that is Lord Darius. Clearly at this point only a kill will prevent Firebloom from the title, no? It is rumored that Stalker decided to give the gift that keeps on giving to Sorah Magdar by challenging a dragon with a rabbit. I ask you, does this make sense? Mass ratios alone, not to mention the veritable magical power of the dragon, should have deterred this challenge. Well, I approached Lord Dragon himself in a rare moment of journalistic integrity about the fight (I assure you this will not become habit), to get his comments. He seemed confused, as if wondering why I was even asking him about a fight whose conclusion and victory were inevitable. Realizing that I, myself, am a small and humble man in the presence of a draconic lizard thing with a penchant for consuming charred flesh and a fondness for charring said flesh personally, I did not press the issue. As you say Lord Dragon, may your warrior wrest control of both the crown and the record for singles fights all the way to Twenty Four!

And then there was one. The childlike, colored circular alliance known affectionately as GAPPDA have only Aerdra of Xavier’s stable left in what is now the top four. Marius was saddened to have lost Boing Boing on a random fight with Vapula, who until a few turns ago was a contender himself. I managed to get a meeting arranged with Marius, but it appears he was double booked. Luckily, knowing the schedule of such things, I was able to find him being interviewed by a reputable reporter from the Gazette at an exotic coffee house. While watering the bushes nearby (this is how we say it in my country, funny no?) I overheard him say that Boing Boing exceeded all his expectations, that he felt the warrior was beyond reproach in doing as well as he did. Well, while the journalist may have politely listened at that point, in his heart he should have asked as I would have, how do you expect to win anything with such an accepting attitude? And of course, second, when will you monster Boing Boing and two random teammates for the humiliating failure? Such strong questions will not come from most reporters, I tell you this. Perhaps this is why people are afraid of poor Raul and will not talk to him? The real questions, yes…that is what I ask. And to Xavier, good luck, target of one.

Of course we have, once again, Rawg of Gray Matter Dispersal in the ranks of the winners. I must say that it is disconcerting in the least, for one so high up, he must certainly have fought every warrior in challenge range by now. Twice, in fact. I fear that we may indeed see STUD take the title by sheer lack of effective combatants. Then again, stranger things have happened. I am sure even now forces dark and sinister conspire to remove Rawg from the tournament. For my sake, I hope they succeed.

And lastly, we turn to the unaligned. HAH! No, there are no unaligned. Once again, the masses see how futile it is to stand alone against a sea of competition. Well, listen to Raul. First, elect a spokesman. Second, choose an adjective, color, or shape. Third, pick a preposition such as above, along, or of. Lastly, pick a place, animal, or object. If, when taken together, the name is easily mocked, you’ve done it. You are now an Alliance. Congratulations.

The pit community does, however, owe a debt of gratitude to Marius, spotted with green and purple though he may be. It was with a collective sigh of relief that that was heard over the removal of the sandbagging warrior of Ill-Ox known as Poison, eliminated by a mysterious warrior whose armor bears a double R. But, despite the great pleasure I take from this loss, words of condolences should be passed to Poison in this trying time. So now, if I may address you: We spit on you. May you die a thousand deaths, in many painful ways, preferably involving fire. Then, may you rise again, only to be covered by molten glass. I say this truly with love, please take no offense.

And of course, Silencer lost Sulfur due to inactivation. I ask you, is it really that hard, the submission process? Well I am happy that you missed it. Certainly the death mark Raul placed upon your warrior last turn made you choose to miss the turn out of fear. Hah, what a jest, who would do such a thing? I send my condolences and a bag of this fragrant tea from my homeland to console Silencer on his error. Do not share the tea, it is for you alone.

Well, I have prattled away at you long enough friends. I for one have a date with a soft bed of pillows. Salaam and good hunting.

Like our previous turn, Turn 366 saw a new warrior anointed to the exclusive 100 Win Club. Unlike in Turn 365, though, this turn’s victory was both more dramatic and potentially more impactful for the manager who brought home the win.

With rumors swirling around the Arena after Thingmaker’s surprise non-BC and death, it’s not hard to understand why some fans and managers came to suspect that some small amount of subterfuge had been applied to ensure a less-than-random match-up between the arena’s two 99-win warriors, D-man’s M. Noirceur and Damion’s Geryon. After all, these two had been circling each other since Turn 358 without meeting up. Of course, all it takes is a closer look at recent history to see that M.Noirceur had spent a couple of the turns since in a BC fight or team fight, while on others he found himself bracketed by warriors managed by Dux Mortalitas.

Looking deeper, a singles fight between these two warriors should have been no real surprise at all. After all, since Turn 350, Geryon and M. Noirceur have met in random match-ups four times, with Geryon taking 3 of 4. No conspiracy was needed, in other words, to place these two warriors in the right place at the right time. If anything, the odds of these two matching up this turn were well higher than the odds of M. Noirceur taking home the win. But win he did. And in doing so, M. Noirceur becomes the first 100 Win Warrior ever for his stable-master, D-Man.

The Gazette sought comment from D-Man on where M. Noirceur fits into his legacy so far, and he was gracious enough to provide plenty.

“The 100th win is a big milestone that few managers have achieved, so it is a goal I have been trying to reach since Fredrick died at 98. M.'s career could end at any time and I have already come to grips with the fact that he is outclassed. He came to my stable as an extremely slow warrior, but he has had a great career and I'm most proud that M. was able to reach 100 wins before he reached 100 losses.”

Geryon’s loss still leaves him as the most likely next addition to the 100 Win Club, though each turn sees more warriors creep closer to the mark. Sleazee P. Martinee’s Rihn the Bladeswinger claimed his 97th win on a challenge against Poeg’s Saber this turn, while both Caesar Invictus’s Guardian and Scotty Body’s Suffering Overdue grabbed their 96th wins in random fights (one of them also at poor Poeg’s expense).

So the fun’s not over yet, pit fans. There’s a lot more 100 Win Contender action coming in the next few turns.

Despite the controversy around Edward Nigma, Poppa Balrog otherwise had something of a banner turn in 366, with two warriors moving into the coveted 100+ range, though with records that leave a little something to be desired, we’re sure. Still, as GAPPDA has been waiting for this day to come for nearly two years, the occasion set off a wave of Green and Purple parties across the city once Erhley and Abbic were confirmed to have survived their fights of record for the turn.

Erhley and Abbic earned their free drinks and a place in GAPPDA lore by compiling nigh identical 46 win records over their first 100 fights, with only Abbic’s 3 kills setting him apart from his teammate Erhley (who can claim only one). To both hit 46 wins on their 100th turn, however, required Erhley to lose his match (a challenge against Nads’ poorly-named Human “Elf of the Year”) and Abbic to win his singles fight against Commandant Eitch’s younger Scratching Cow.

Our congratulations to Poppa Balrog and to GAPPDA. May this occasion light his days as potentially darker times approach.

Turn 367 will bring Pit fans two fairly interesting 100 Fight warriors, as Jim the Half-Ogre’s team fight stalwart and oldest living warrior, The Real Kissie Poo, goes for his 65th win, likely arm-in-arm with teammates Revenge of Fluffy and Sweetness while Validian’s Firebat hopes to avoid crossing 100 fights with 60 losses.

Good luck to both warriors in next turn’s action.

For the first time in many turns, two warriors with more than 100 fights experience perished in Turn 366, joining seven other veteran warriors in the halls of their ancestors.

Elsewhere we have covered the death of Sanguine Savior’s excelsior Half-Orc Thingmaker, dead at 128 fights with 81 wins and 13 kills across his career. It’s also worth noting that with this kill, Stalker’s Top Halfling Popper now owns the Halfling Kill Record in our great Arena. The Gazette sends its congratulations to Stalker and also to Sanguine for having marshaled such a glorious Half-Orc to 13 kills.

The other super-veteran warrior to pass in Turn 366 was Ilneval’s own Saraya, one of the Fab Five covered in last issue’s inaugural Manager Interview. We hope that Saraya’s death is not indicative of a “cover curse” on our fair periodical.

At any rate, in Turn 366, Saraya found herself matched against another excellent Elf, Lord Kelvin’s Cornwallis. From the stands, both warriors put on an amazing show for the fans, with Saraya dishing out major damage and Cornwallis soaking it up and putting one big hit into Saraya to end both the fight and her career.

Saraya’s career reaches a close with 63 wins and 2 kills logged in 109 fights.

Our readers need no introduction to Caesar Invictus. Seriously, if one hungers for the slaughter of veteran warriors (and if one I truly a pit fan, than one does), he only needs to attend the fights of Caesar’s warriors for satiation. This would be a bitter-sweet turn in that regard for Caesar however, taking the life of a veteran, but losing one as well.

It has been a banner few turns for Caesar’s second-oldest Half-Elf, Orion, who has wracked up both of his kills against veteran warriors within the last four turns. This turn Orion randomly matched with one of Nads’ many, many Elves, Du Hast, dispatching his opponent before the end of the first minute.

On the way from one part of the Arena complex to another after the fight, Caesar granted a short comment on Orion’s performance. “Orion has shocked me. I didn't think he had it in him. 2 kills in 4 turns, after not scoring any during his first 78 fights. This one was just a lucky hit that reopened an old wound to finish the job, but against a well respected ancient. I wish Nads nothing but the best of luck with his replacement, and look forward to the BC.”

The fight that Caesar was traveling to watch would turn out not as positively for his stable. Entering the viewing stands of one of the smaller arena bowls, Caesar found his Half-Orc Death Adder facing Black Foxx’s own Half-Orc Getrdun. It would be the first of three deaths on the day for Caesar of warriors above 30 fights experience, with a combined record of 90-44-7 before Turn 366.

Caesar, gracious as always, made himself available for comment after the loss and death. “The loss of Death Adder is greatly disappointing. Even though he did not kill as much as I expected him to, his fights were always a lot of fun to read. He must be avenged. I may have to send Gideon, since Orion will probably get Blood Challenged himself.”

Death Adder ends his career with 43 wins and 4 kills in 63 fights.

Cliff Banana found himself on the right side of a rare veteran kill for GAPPDA, with his oldest Human Slurm challenging and killing Egor’s Elvain. As surprising as the concept of a Cliff Banana challenge-kill combo is in the minds of most fans and managers of our sport, it had to be even more surprising to both Slurm and Elvain, as Elvain was controlling the fight handily until Slurm delivered the death blow (his only landed blow of the fight, no less). As with several other kills on the turn, the departed warrior seemed to be betrayed by a poorly tended old wound. The Gazette foresees several lawsuits pending against the Chirurgeon’s Guild in weeks to come.

Reminded that he had challenged Elvain 9 turns past, with Slurm no less, for a loss, Cliff Banana commented to Gazette reporters, “While there truly was no ill-intent in that, I do expect a fairly significant response.”

Elvain’s days are ended quite mercifully after managing 36 wins against 43 losses over his career.

The final challenge-kill of the turn belonged to Ilneval and his new top killer, Endless Sorrow, who took the stable lead with his seventh kill after a short battle with Stalker’s Riatha which ended with a huge hit on Riatha’s left arm that shattered bone. Riatha died instantly from the shock.

Ilneval was conciliatory after the fight, noting to the Gazette that the challenge was more or less an accident.

Riatha clinches a winning record by dying with 35 wins and 1 kill in 69 fights.

The two remaining non-team fight kills of the turn belonged to Masterpitter’s Dorsal and Ted Supreme’s Captain Carotte, who collectively freed pit fans everywhere from having to care about The Demon’s Brig, but especially Eca Za’s atrocious Death.

Brig completes a disappointing career with 32 wins against 39 losses, while Death is euthanized after having managed only 18 wins and a kill in 80 fights.

It has been a rough couple of months in team fights for many managers, but when it comes to the loss of veteran warriors, few managers have faced tragedy as commonly lately as Jim the Half-Ogre (partly because it appears that several other team fight managers have been scared out of team fights by the recent lethality). This turn the recently surging Peasant Scum deprived Jim permanently of one of his strongest warriors, Rounder Part Deux, leaving only teammate Flounder 2 above 30 fights on Unemployed Peasants.

Rounder Part Deux finishes his career with 61 wins against 20 losses.

The Gazette, as usual, sends its condolences to the managers and fans of the departed, while also congratulating those warriors on the correct side of the killing blows. Swords high!

Things held steady with the overall number of Blood Challenges this round settling in at 44. We are starting to see a new trend in multi BC winners in a single turn, but on the same token are seeing multi BC losers at the same time. Either way, it makes for interesting reporting. Our most interesting BC of the turn, of course, was one that didn’t happen. More on that when we cover this turn’s Bad (alongside the other coverage in this issue). Off to the roundup!

With only a few exceptions, we are seeing about even numbers of Good BC defenses compared directly to Ugly BC challenges. This round, there were several BC defenders who fought off challenges while having significant fight disadvantages to deal with. The most impressive of the turn goes to Arch-Angel’s TAMA; with a 30 fight disadvantage to Lord Kelvin’s ORCKILLER, TAMA easily wrapped up the defense, and victory, in a tidy 1-minute fight. The Good continues with our multi BC winners of the turn, but is somewhat tempered by the fact that a few of the fights were worthy of the Ugly list. Welcome to the BC Roundup for the first time Cpt. Switch! Cpt. Switch did score three BC victories this round, though two were, sad to say, Ugly-worthy. Joining the good Cpt. were Frank The Tank and Danny D Bloody (who is becoming somewhat of a regular!). Also, congratulations to the rest of our successful BC defenders.

Poeg’s FACON (33)
Arch-Angel’s TAMA (30)
Masterpitter’s BLOODBATH (29)
Terminator’s TWISTED SISTER (23)
Angel of Death’s SERAPHIM (20)
Masterpitter’s TYPO (14)
Mithril’s UURAN (10)
Bandit’s ANT (8)
Ragnarok’s MEAT PUPPET (4)
The Overlord’s ORANGE RANGER (3)

Our list of the Bad begins with the multi BC losers. A manager who is, sadly, making this list on a regular basis these days is Boot Strap Billy, who suffered three BC loses (again) this round. Joining our new-found Lord of Futility is Ragnarok, who also logged a three-loss turn. There were fewer managers making the Bad list this turn, but it is never good to rack up that many BC losses in a single sitting. Our Bad continues in the almost-boiling-over feud between Sanguine Savior and Poppa Balrog. After exchanging some down challenge kills, the arena waited breathlessly for the inevitable Thingmaker down challenge attempt and likely 14th kill. Our lusts, however; would not be sated as Poppa Balrog gave his ‘Also Known As’ squad a surprise vacation, leaving Thingmaker in an awkward predicament which ultimately led to his early death. It appears, however; that Poppa Balrog may have joined his team on that vacation as no hide nor hair nor whisper has been heard from the brash manager (for the most part). It seems that for all of the bluster, choice words, and down challenges, Sanguine Savior has really put the Balrog in a fright and has scared him right out of the arena. The arena can only hope that he may some day summon up his courage to face Sanguine’s steely wrath. A sad day for all involved in this sordid incident.

Our list of Ugly, all things considered, is not as ugly as it usually is. Leading off, however; is Palor’s MOSS. After MOSS’ teammate suffered a humiliating defeat to Master Misfit’s PENGUINE MALICE, MOSS put a quick end to any budding rivalry by killing off PENGUIN MALICE in a quick, one-minute affair. While not generating anything near as ugly as MOSS’ venture, I am forced to single out SAH this turn. Last round, SAH’s NEWYEAR HANGOVER made the ugly list for smacking around Sliv’s REEFER. SAH apparently decided to switch it up and sent an equally over-matching CHRISTMAS LOSER to do the dirty work this round. At least REEFER kept his life, unlike poor Penguin Malice.

Moving on to the elbow drops of the turn:

Palor’s MOSS (135, 1005)
Danny D Bloody’s TNT (96, 372)
Cpt. Switch’s FUGET (37, 836)
Cpt. Switch’s STORMER313 (33, 1438)
Scotty Body’s IOMMI (32, 851)
The Overlord’s GABRIELLA (30, 1234)
Egor’s MASSIVE TOO (27, 600)
Angel of Death’s PERSIVAL (25, 643)
Dude Doomer’s JULIENAS3 (24, 659)

Definitely an interesting week of BCs, when all is taken together. The nuclear BC that took a life ends up not being the one The Gazette staff was anticipating, while the one we expected to take said life gave his instead.

Until next week…sword high, pitizens!

It’s a simple thing to make a Manager of the Week and Runner Up call, as two managers put together turns that separated themselves from the rest of the arena and themselves.

Coming in with Manager of the Week was GAPPDA’s own Xavier, piling up 21 wins against only 4 losses with a mix of several ugly challenges partially offset by two on the honorable side of the ledger.

Coming in with 20 wins and the Runner Up award for Turn 366 was Ancient The Overlord, managing his total with only one ugly challenge (not counting the de-facto peasant challenge that comes with each continued turn of Lord Darius’ existence).

Congratulations to both managers, and we hope you have room on your mantles for the gaudy plastic statuettes that come with them.

Terminator made four separate attempts at defeating a Monster with solid-to-spectacular warriors in Turn 366. Sadly, all four failed to beat existing Monsters, with Jake the Zombie working double-time to kill Pimp Daddy and Popcorn, Big Ben the Zombie crushing Miller Time and Jason the Half-Troll remaining gainfully employed by slaughtering Archie. In what feels quite possibly like a manager’s swan song, Terminator threw a combined 290 wins at his attempt for immortality. Bad luck indeed.

Green Machine Update: The Machine of Green was handed his first loss after since his elimination from the UW Contest, after seven straight wins and four kills. It took an 8-fight down challenge by Poeg's Gilgamesh to break the streak.

“There will be no write ups, there will be nothing. Why would I choose to not speak about the greatest HO I've ever made? Well, that's a real ENIGMA isn't it? Thingy's passing will simply slip away into shadow. Kinda like Ballbag. The only regret I have is that he could not fulfill his greatest wish: to kill Pitt or die by his hand.” – Sanguine Savior, on the death of Thingmaker.

"First of all, I must congratulate my dear team leader CAPTAIN CAROTTE for the kill. I admit that DEATH, his opponent and victim, was a horrid glad. I'm sure ECA ZA must be glad to be rid of this poor warrior. But DEATH's death is important for my team for several reasons. He's my first 50+ kill! Second, he was as poorly named as one can be with that record. And most of all, he was a "sweep" kill! Yes, a real one. The legend is true…we can die in being swept! The poor fellow spent his last minutes falling over and over again. I'm thinking of an epitaph: "DEATH, he died as he lived, painfully in the dirt". - Ted Supreme, rubbing in Captain Carotte’s kill of Eca Za’s death in an NBS press conference after the turn.

"I had no illusions that Boing Boing would be a serious contender. His performance far exceeded my expectations. Naturally, my attention is now focused on defending the interests of my alliance in the contest." – Marius, commenting with surprising candor to a Gazette reporter while leaving an unmarked warehouse after this week’s fights.

"I am very pleased to see Poison removed from the competition." – Marius, smiling broadly and commenting on being asked about his warrior’s victory over Ill-Ox’s ill-gotten UW contestant.

”Just an average in all respects warrior who was basically a 50% fighter all her career, destined for death but lasted 68 fights. – Stalker, speaking of departed Riatha after the day’s combat.

Early in the morning after Turn 366’s Day of Combat, one local observer noted one of Marius's own warriors being dragged into a building owned by the GAPPDA manager, head covered in a burlap sack and bound in chains. Our reporters could not get comment from a member of Marius’ staff, but our best spies were able to surmise that punishment is coming next turn for a poor performer in his stable.

That's if for this week's edition of The Gazette! If you'd like to submit items for a future edition or provide feedback and clarifications, please pm them to my account on

-The Staff at The Pitt Gazette

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