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Volume 1, Issue 21 - Turn 369

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Volume 1, Issue 21 - Turn 369

Post  lord_dragon on Fri Jun 03, 2011 5:00 pm

Welcome one and all to the Turn 369 Edition of the Pit Gazette. Like a delicate flower, with petals dripping dew, opening up to the warm embrace of the sun, this issue is now laid bare before you, a veritable delicacy to the eyes.

Our columnist who needs no introduction, Raul Anjinarikar Siv, still manages to take hot stick to leather and burn his weekly column, though he is visiting far away lands filled with suckling pigs, bountiful harvests and even more bountiful women.

My grandmother had only one eye but was gifted with the wisdom of insight. How lucky for you my friends that I, Raul Anjinarikar Siv, have both eyes, crossed though they maybe, to peer into the intricacies of the world of alliances. As we wind down our UW the action on the sidelines heats up as alliances begin to dust off their swords and yawn the yawn of long boredom. More of this will be apparent as I speak further.

But first, let us celebrate the utter victory of the Lord’s of Darkness! Ah, I kid, there was no movement this time in the UW for those still paying attention (Which I believe, yes counting the hands, is four of you). Please excuse, only throw food if it is safe to eat, I implore you.

Though not the victorious Viking returning home from battle, it is worth noting that not only is Sorah Magdar still in the UW competition, but is also the undisputed king of the new. That’s right, underwear is clean my friends and Sorah Magdar is the new record holder of most wins without losses. And now facing a much smaller field of competition (thank you Lord Darius) than previously seen, the chances of victory and continued ascendance on the charts is even more likely. Sorah still had to fend off a challenge from the angry, beaver like force that is Restless from Stalker’s stable this turn. Perhaps Stalker is tired of seeing his very own contest owned by the Lords of Darkness? Do you hear that sound Veteran’s Blade? It is the sound of inevitability. Bow to it.

And then there is the stud of STUD, Rawg Brainsplatter doing what he does best. Which is win. The 78-32-5 Hell’s Fury from the LoD’s very own Lord Kelvin put a 3 minute match to Rawg but was unable to stop the train. Now I know you skimmed that. Say it with me. Seventy Eight And Thirty Two with Five Kills. Rawg, I’m not sure if it’s the warm weather or the warmth in your heart towards me but you must be feeling the effects of the bigger, fuller turns your manager’s chemical training regimen has given you. Perhaps this will be the first UW where we have a veteran such as Rawrg win the whole thing. For the sake of my complexion, I hope not.

So what exactly is it that is going on outside the UW in the world of alliances? Well, gossip has been abounding. The tavern is abuzz at Xavier’s declaration that all agreements with him and his alliance are null and void. And then, of course in true form, bravely declared no war. In response to this bold and aggressive move quickly to the front was the No Bozo Squad, pointing out that the loose cannons (namely everyone but Xavier in GAPPDA) had long abandoned the treaties and the fun would begin in earnest from the infamous Ffunker. And, he additionally boldly declared that it was NOT a war. I’m sorry, should we only be fighting with feathers and pillows? Perhaps instead of lions we should use aardvarks to punish the lesser gladiators? Oh no I hope I don’t match up against Big Ben Zombie-Clown. This is the PITT people. If you’re going to have a passive aggressive love-fest please keep it in the privacy of your hair salon chairs and not out here in the blood, dirt, and grime of the arena sands.

What else you say? Oh well I cannot help but notice that some non-allied managers are boldly stepping up with challenge assaults on some of the more prominent members of alliances around here. Which you say? Well, allow me to point them out for you all. First is Ironman(numbers excluded), back for a third helping of Xavier this turn. But apparently he was still able to kill off one of Xavier’s younger warriors despite a return volley. I am wondering if Xavier will go easy on the Blood Challenge this time around? And then Boot Strap Billy seems to want a piece of DIE, or at least Nev as his friends call him (what? I may not be on that level with him but I use shorthand, it is our way). I have an idea for these two intrepid managers. Make an alliance, you could call it ‘Loves Beatings’. For this advice I charge nothing. For the advice of triple avoiding these managers, four shekels.

Well friends, the sun has passed below the hills, and I must scrub the insides of my incisors after the ever so mediocre meal I received today at your excuse for an eating establishment. Salaam and Good Hunting.

The deaths of several bookies across the city all seemed to be connected to one event: the fight between Stalker’s red hot, pint-sized gladiator Popper and Sanguine Savior’s Mystical Charade. It appears that a small coalition of odds makers was found to be in collusion, inflating Mystical Charade’s chances in the fight. The PG caught up with a calm and cool Stalker after the fight who had a few choice words concerning Popper’s 98th win. “It went about the same as most of Popper’s fights lately. He quickly pushed Mystical Charade into heavy damage without taking much in return. The difference in this bout was the paltry, ending wound instead of one of those nasty perm kill shots that Popper has been uncorking lately. To Mystical’s credit, he stood there and took everything Popper had to offer without giving up, even managing to get in a couple of pretty good licks himself near the end before the ref interceded.” Stalker added that barring a life-ending blow, he doesn’t foresee any problems with Popper reaching 100 wins and beyond.

Sleazee P Martinee’s Rihn The Bladesinger advanced to 99 wins after overcoming a 2 minute challenge from Asiago, who remains at 96 wins. When queried by the Pit Gazette about Rihn’s upcoming fight Sleazee replied “No comment,” before finishing his tankard of mead.

As of this writing Geryon, who is holding at 99 wins, is still not registered for turn 370 with the fight committee.

butt Hat stumbles his way into 100 fights after losing a 3 minute challenge from Tolome’s Stumpette

A numb Hosehead had this to say after the match. “Lets see, butt Hat is my fifth warrior and first dwarf to 100, and oddly enough my first ever great axe user. He has been astoundingly average in his career. I don't make a lot of dwarves, so they are all generally experimental. Apparently Tolome thought Stumpette would be a good match for butt Hat's 100th, he did win, but I guarantee Stumpette will never forget him, especially when that perm blows up. Maybe he will visit her again soon.”

Angel of Death’s Veruk Jupin has 55 victories from 99 fights with a paltry 1 kill. Though, he may advance to two kills on his 100th fight, avenging his comrade Orisis Pickpockets’ death. More on that later.

Dux Mortalitas’ Murderer with a record of 66-33-4 will thunder into 100 fights with a win percentage of either sixty six or sixty seven. Dux’s lack of verbiage on the subject makes us at the Pit Gazette pause and reflect. “Murderer may win or he may lose his 100th fight, but I can assure you of one thing, he'll do it in rare style!”

Caesar Invictus’ highest ranked half-elf, Warblade, retired from combat garnering and impressive 91 wins out of 145 fights with 6 kills. We at the PG salute Caesar Invictus for cultivating such fine talent. The arena sands lost some of their sparkle on turn 359, though it is said that the stands just gained a very loud and rowdy spectator.

This turn saw six warriors with winning records above 50 fights trade business cards with the grim reaper, while Tracker Backstabber did the arena a favor by dispatching Orisis Pickpockets who managed to scrape 24 wins and no kills from 58 fights.

Groundhawg, from the stable of Izzboticus, extended his record to 57 wins from 86 fights with 8 kills, after dispatching Scotty Body’s warrior Nards in a random matchup, who shuffles off this mortal coil with a winning record of 47 wins, 41 loses and 4 kills.

A reporter from the Pit Gazette caught up with the jubilant Izzboticus after the fight and recorded the following comment. “What can I say? Nards was a ho-hum warrior and not really a challenge. He was weak, so Groundhawg killed him. All other managers who wish to dispose of their chaff warriors by sending them Groundhawg’s way, will surely not be disappointed.”

Poeg’s Half-Elf, Sidewinder doubled his number of kills when he took out Sleazee P Martinee’s Horace Pinker, who left the sands with an admirable record of 49 wins and 26 losses.

Our intrepid street beat reporter caught up with Sleazee at Dux’s Tavern, after having consumed several tankards of the establishments finest, cheap mead. "Horace got a late start, but after a few key trains he went from a 17-17 record to an impressive 49-26 at his death. 32-9 ain't too bad and half those losses came toward the end of his career. His replacement isn't stellar, but should prove interesting. Either way Sidewinder will pay in blood!!!"

Danny D Bloody’s Chuck The Barkeep celebrated his 70th fight by extinguishing Grutchek of Gouged Eye Inc., who left behind a barely winning record of 41 wins out of 81 fights with 3 warriors dead by his hand. A satisfied Danny D Bloody issued a warning to other managers “Chuck’s working on ten kills before he reaches 100 fights. Anyone who challenges him better beware.” We at the Pit Gazette can’t help but notice that Chuck The Barkeep and Groundhawg are within challenging range of each other.

JB Bladeswinger’s highest ranked warrior Aragrom celebrated his second kill by snuffing Izzboticus’ Onomatopeon in a 2 minute random match. Aragrom’s record now stands at 39 wins, 30 losses and 2 kills. Onomatopeon left the arena permanently with a record of 36-33-3.

Potness Monster’s Half-Orc Peterbuilt advanced his record to 43-28-4 by demolishing Panther’s Sarsin, whose career ended prematurely with 37 wins out of 67 fights, with a kill record of 3.

Gramps’ Half-Orc Kid surprised Cpt. Switch’s Fuget in a blood challenge match. Fuget was even more surprised when he died by Kid’s machinations. Fuget’s last fight brought his record to 33-26-4, while Kid advances to 20 wins and 1 kill on his 50th fight.

Ironman52241 unleashed Tracker Backstabber to the dangers of random matchups and was more than happy to end the pitiable career of Angel of Death’s Orisis Pickpockets who managed a mere 24 wins out of 58 fights with zero kills. Tracker Backstabber bagged his first kill and now stands at 28 wins out of 49 fights. Though, his next fight may be his last, as Angel of Death has a 2 potential elbow drop BC’s in his pocket.

The Pit Gazette congratulates the butchers and consoles the widows and orphans left in their wake.

Due to unforeseen circumstances, Cliff Banana’s BC Roundup article is unavailable this week. The Pit Gazette apologizes to the teeming mob that is CB’s fan base.

Drachir earned the top spot as Manager of the Week after pulling off an impressive 20 wins and 2 kills with only 5 losses. Fonicks (2-0-1) and Bunco (1-0-1) providing two BC-free kills, which was the icing on the cake. Though Drachir issued one elbow drop in the form of Love Hurts with a combined record of 64 fights taking on Scotty Body’s Eva with only 25 fights. Congratulations to Eva for surviving the storm. His two other blood challenge matches were successful as well, featuring hot loser on loser action, as Blue Xmas defeated D-Man’s Multiflora Rose. In what we’re sure at the PG came as a pleasant surprise to Drachir, his less than stellar Blubber with a paltry 26 wins from 67 fights, blood challenged and defeated Marius’ Deconstructor with a more impressive record of 44 wins, 31 losses and a lone kill.

Drakus earns the honorable mention for posting a solid turn with 20 wins, 5 losses and zero kills. The Pit Gazette salutes these fine managers and those who tried, and failed to better them.

“Ancients are all a bunch of has been gasbags with nothing left in 'em but memories.”

“If/When Popper reaches 100 wins it will leave the Half Elves as the lone race without a 100 win member among their ranks.”

“Dux's parry commentary was pretty accurate, don't listen to him though, please continue being discouraged to use that style.”

“I remember plenty of fights with Lord Darius from the pre BC days, he swung a mean Maul back then. I’m glad to see he finally tired of fighting scum and took out a monster instead.”

“The Slaughterama versus Apocalypse fight was exceptional! First off I was not expecting that challenge, ‘cause frankly speaking I would have thought Sleazee would have realized that Apocalypse is exactly the kind of warrior to kill Slaughter. The fight started out with apocalypse putting Slaughter into heavy damage in three massive shots. I was sure it was going to end in Slaughter's death when the least likely thing occurred; Slaughter swept Apocalypse to the ground and he didn't get back up. Slaughter laid in several massive shots, even perming Apocalypse in one and nearly killed him in a sudden turn around fight. Just goes to prove that nothing is certain in the Bloodpit! I wouldn't wager on that outcome the next time they meet however.” – Dux Mortalitas

"I knew the challenge was coming and wasn't too concerned. That puny weapon Hell’s Fury uses ain't enough to make Rawg quit... although, it almost got the job done. Lord Kelvin's got himself a good warrior, but just not good enough for the likes of Rawg! " – Sleazee P Martinee

That's if for this week's edition of The Gazette! If you'd like to submit items for a future edition or provide feedback and clarifications, please pm them to my account on

-The Staff at The Pitt Gazette


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