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Volume 1, Issue 10 - Turn 358

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Volume 1, Issue 10 - Turn 358

Post  lord_dragon on Fri Jun 03, 2011 4:34 pm

Hello and welcome to the Turn 358 Edition of the Gazette!

This week the Gazetteer is rolling in money and giddy as a school girl. Coincidentally, you’re in for a real treat, as this is also the first ever Ad-Supported edition of our weekly magazine. But don’t you worry your pretty head; journalistic integrity is still the order of the day here at the Gazette. On that note, buy IQB20. You won’t regret it (and neither will our Editor in Chief’s pocket book).

FEATURED ARTICLE - DEFINITION OF A LEGEND (Part III of a short series of articles submitted by Dux Mortalitas and edited by The Gazetteer)
Welcome to the completion of Dux Mortalitas' three part series of articles on Legends, Bastion and the 150+. This week's installment attempts to define which warriors of our times were legitimate Legends, and why we should see them as such.

If I had to list a few warriors both alive and dead that simply awe the entire arena with their exploits and whose stories will be recalled for generations, many names immediately jump to mind. Names like Solitude and Burning Butterfly, who, though they died young, set records that will live for a long time. Other names that immediately come to mind include Glorial, Yamabushi, Ratyr, Punisher, Pitt, Joseph Smith, Mira, and Lord Darius.

There are many more, but the few examples above surely evoke awe for anyone that was around during their illustrious careers. Their stories will be told for many years. Managers have in the past tried to recreate such warriors repeatedly and still continue to, but few attain the same levels of greatness. I know I've expounded on Mira's exploits around the Tavern in recent years and that warrior last drew breath probably 8 years ago! I have tried on several occasions in the past to copy his setup, but never to the same legendary effect. I have tried to remake most of those we consider Legends over the years, or to improve on their designs, and surely others have as well. Why? Because they were or are just that great! They are legends!

After really giving this issue some thought, one point that was once considered a major factor in whether a warrior should or should not be considered a Legend has become less essential in my mind. That is, fight experience. Bandit ran a warrior named Dynamite that did so well in his first 28 fights (a perfect run), that the accomplishment is still unparalleled even to this day, and I still think on him and tell of his glory on occasion. Dynamite was also a trend-setter for the so-called Staffling that thereafter nearly dominated our Arena until the Competition Committee stepped in after a time. I'm sure other managers that were around at the time recall those feats with awe, though we are now many years on. This is the very definition of a Legend.

A true Legend instills awe in the general populace that continues for years and crosses generations! Stories are told of Legendary warriors' exploits by fireside. Children fantasize and recreate those incredible battles with their wooden swords and axes! Kids fight over who gets to be Lord Darius and who gets to be Burning Butterfly!

All jokes aside though, the "child at play" factor is worth deeper considering. Youths do not have a formula for determining what is or is not a Legend. Instead, they and the populous are so awed by certain things and certain people that it is just obvious if someone should be considered a legend. Greatness is obvious, it just glows.

So ask yourself. Are there children pretending to recreate Bastion's mighty achievements right now? I doubt there are many.

Wondrous tidings, friends. It is I, Raul Anjinarikar Siv, bringing you another update from the world of alliances. As it may be no surprise to you by now, all eyes and wallets are once again on the Undefeated Warrior contest.

It is with a smile on my face, a woman on my arm, and the stench of hashish on my breath that I celebrate with you, my dear friends the great lead of the Lords of Darkness. Despite the despicable, cowardly, and slothful absence of Valcor Aurthor, they maintain not only a commanding lead over the other alliances but more total warriors than the top unaligned managers (if one can truly count them, in their festering holes!). Well done, I thank you, and though it is premature, I dare say I will be riding high very soon. Metaphorically, of course.

It is with mirth that I can report to you that the runner up, though still GAPPDA, has lessened greatly in numbers. Despite the performance of Marius, who is rumored to be sleeping with the Arena Master so that challenges pass him by, not one of them retain more than 2 warriors, and Hoffa, realizing that the weight of the empire is against him, threw away his last contestant in a challenge. Oh, with only 11 left, it will, fate willing, be over for them next turn.

The wheat and the chaff, to borrow an agricultural phrase, have been separated among the smaller alliances. DIE once again showed the virility of an elephant by only losing 2 of their 8 warriors, with the impressive and chain-covered Sanguine Savior standing Spartan-like (well, before the Spartans where turned into pincushions that is) with no losses among his four warriors.. The No Bozo Squad also only lost 2, bringing them to 7, but the losses in previous rounds have emasculated them thus far. Ffunker is rumored to be naming more warriors Monsieur, and for good reason. Lastly, FoF holds onto two of three warriors, determined not to be the first alliance forced entirely out the door.

Then we come to this rabble known as the unaligned. No longer holding impressive stock, they have been shorn as a boy reaching manhood. They retain 19 among them now, and it is alas the usual suspects. Silencer, Spoiler, may I inquire as to why you have forgotten where the team-fight checkbox is on your order sheets? You were most proficient with its use before the contest, I dare say. I must say that there are some of you would try and fool the rest. Dux, what is this Pitt Lord business? In my land, we may name a son after a father, but not 5 sons after one. Of course, unless one has died or is in jail. Caesar, lay down your arms before you meet an unfortunate fate by the hands of a lady of my choice. Drakus, post something somewhere, silence does not become you. Ill-ox…. Who in the Bright One’s name are you!?!?!

And now, if I may be allowed to breathe a few words of advice to the managers of the Fifty Four unmentioned warriors in the UW. I have been graced with divine knowledge, and I pass it with much humility. If you instruct your warriors to run Defend, protecting their off legs, attacking their opponents’ chest, you are assured of victory. Ask not how I came of this information. Simply apply it to your warriors and you can thank me later. If I happen to be surrounded by guards of the Padishah on a fat pillow of dinars, then you may have trouble seeing me. Let it not trouble you.

Ah, my ladies are pulling me back to the room. Ladies, there is only so much water in the fountain! Salaam and good hunting.

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After the relative business of the last few weeks, Turn 358 saw only a single warrior break the 100 Fight barrier, in Ilneval’s stand out Dwarf Mantronic (72-28-3). Preceded by Saraya two turns ago, and surely to be followed in short succession by several stable-mates (Eternal Darkness, Beric Dondarrion, and DT Jesus), Mantronic joins the 100 Fight Club with a challenge win over Nads’ older Elf, Keebler Maximus. The Gazette congratulates Ilneval on his managerial skill and good fortune in taking two warriors across the line in three turns and for the potential achievements to come over the next 9 turns.

Unlike this turn’s solo affair, Turn 359 will be remembered for two 100th Fight Days when all is said and done. It’s a rare thing indeed to speak of a Shopslave managed warriors without being able to apply the terms “scum-fed” and “sand bagger”, but neither of these derogatory terms can truly be dropped on Swish, who will hit 100 Fights next turn and brings a solid 62-37-3 record into the fight. Going back to turn 300, Swish has accrued a 31-18 record in his last 49 turns of action (with some vacation time here and there). The Gazette salutes Swish for earning his way to a 100th Fight celebration. Elsewhere on the sands of our beloved arena, Lord Kelvin’s Hell’s Fury will also cross the 100 Fight barrier next turn with a good shot at upstaging Mantronic and most of the warriors that will hit 100 Fights in the next ten turns, as with a win Hell’s Fury will hit this milestone with 73 wins. Good luck to both Swish and Hell’s Fury in Turn 359.

The Veteran’s Blade arena has been a dangerous place for veteran warriors to fight, and despite the gradual elimination of hundreds of warriors from Undefeated Warrior VI over the last several turns, Turn 359 was one of the deadliest in memory with fifteen 50+ Warriors bidding the adieu to life and livelihood.

This turn’s hot, heavy death action began with a random match of warriors with more than 100 fights. In a 2-minute fight, Izzboticus’ Chutzpah accrued his second kill since passing the 100 Fight milestone, slaying Arch-Angel’s lone 100+ warrior, Hypocrite. Hypocrite ends his career with a winning 66-58-0 record.

Izzboticus took a moment from post-fight celebrations to share his thoughts on Chutzpah’s career progression with a Gazette reporter. “A strong warrior in the making, I'm proud of her and think she's got the potential to be a great warrior, despite her less than ideal makeup. Her recent adds to the kill column help confirm that.

Also in random action, Fusion flipped the tables on his recent history by dispatching someone else’s 50+ warrior, in Mal’s defeat and kill of Damion’s Faye Valentine III in another 2 minute battle.

Approached as his opponent was being placed in a body bag, Mal had the following comment for our reporter: “Well, like my mother,rest her soul, told me when I was a boy, ‘I someone tries to kill you, you try to kill them right back’. Not that she was always right; the whole going blind thing never happened, but I think that first one was good advice.”

Damion’s Half-Orc perished with a solid 49-37-2 record.

In further random action, Scotty Body’s Human Nards killed Black Foxx’s Steaven Hacking, Hoffa’s White Bluff terminated Chen Man Ching’s Lao Tzu and Hosehead’s Fracker cured Bird Flu, in slaughtering Palor’s Avian Influenza.

The final fight of this triad was the real heartbreaker for those who were present, as Avian Influenza seemed sadly outclassed from the beginning due to the difference in fight experience. Though he fought valiantly, it was not to be and a heavy hit to the chest put him down all time.

In commenting on Avian Influenza’s final battle, Palor noted, “It was a really bad case of small elf meets big Half-Orc. As one might guess, the small Elf gets squished more often than not.” Avian Influenza’s life ends with an unfortunate death via 15-Fight disadvantage with a record of 45-18-2.

Lao Tzu, yet another of Chen’s 50+ to die in the last several turns (displaying almost Fusion-ian levels of 50+ bad luck) passes with a slightly suboptimal 38-44-1 record.

In mid-level targeted challenges, Dux Mortalitas put both of AHO’s top winning warriors into the ground, with Mortalitas accounting for Francois Mitterand and Boriel accounting for Be-Bop. We’re sure many managers are disappointed to lose the opportunity at such juicy bounties as were reaped in these kills, but in after-action, Dux Mortalitas wanted to make sure clear that the Honor bounties were not his motivation for the challenges.

“While it may be true that I gained 16 points of honor for these two kills, honor had nothing to do with my challenges. The community is well aware of the shady dealings behind the scenes of Aho’s stable, and I believe this to be an offense to the will of the mighty Keeper. Though the Competition Committee has so far not seen fit to take action on Aho’s dirty deeds, I hope that others will take the time to help me wipe out what remains of Aho's warriors.”

Francois Mitterand and Be-Bop were annihilated with 39-32-3 and 31-28-3 records.

Angel of Death’s Victr met up in a random battle of mediocrities with Scotty Body’s Marbles, with the latter warrior proving the loser among almost-winners. Marbles shuffles off to wherever .500 warriors go in the after life, ending his career with a 35-35-2 record at 70 fights.

In one of the more exciting challenge-kills of the turn, Ilneval’s Dwarf Reclusion took issue with the personal hygiene of Vic Vegas’ Hyperhidrosis and planted him 6-feet under in 3 minutes of action.

A Gazette reporter caught up with Ilneval as he left his personal box and the long-time manager provided his thoughts on the fight. “The fight ended much like it should have with the exception of Vic's warrior dying. I had a good feeling going into it that I should be able to win. I think had Hyperhidrosis come out a little more offensively, he would have stood a better chance at survival in the fight. Once he switched and decided to turn on the offense, it was already too little too late as Reclusion had given him a good many holes up to that point.”

Elsewhere Vic Vegas was calm in describing Hyperhidrosis’ history with his killer: “Hyperhidrosis met Reclusion when they were both 1-0-0 and came out the victor. Much farther along their career paths though, Hyper at 30-18-3 challenged Reclusion, who was 37-12-5, but gained a chest perm and lost the fight. Not before sending Reclusion belly-flopping onto the Ref's lunch several times though. It is interesting to note that Reclusion both began and ended Hyperhidrosis’ career. Way to go full circle, Ilneval!”

Hyperhidrosis ends his career with a 34-28-3 record.

Another seemingly targeted assassination, this time on a UW contestant, also occurred this turn, in the nail-biting kill of Commandant Eitch’s Weeping Wound by Marius’ Neon Genesis. Rumors swirled after the fight that Neon Genesis had been coached on Weeping Wound’s vulnerabilities pre-fight by an undisclosed other manager, leading to a later confrontation with Gazette reporters and Marius.

Marius (who was found at the Inn of the Whelping Canary) made a rare public statement when our diligent journalists pressed him for a comment. Leaning threateningly close to one reporter, he declared, "I will not indulge any further speculation that this death was pre-arranged by any hidden faction or cabal. I do not suffer fanciful stories about my intentions... and if you print such drivel, understand that your pathetic rag will know suffering." He then smiled, and returned to his untouched glass of red wine, refusing further questions.

Weeping Wound, Commandant Eitch’s lone current stand out, meets his end with a 36-18-3 record.

Ffunker managed two 50+ kills this turn a fairly impressive feat, though there would be much controversy in the days following for the No Bozo Squad founding member. One of the two kills occurred on a challenge against Bandit’s Halfling Blurr by Monsieur Galette while the second, a random match, ended with Izzboticus’ Nguyen lifeless before Michael.

Blurr ends his career with a workman-like 50-Fight record of 28-22-1 while Nguyen dies at 26-26-2.

The final notable 50+ kill was one of the first in recent memory to occur in a team fight, with Jim the Half-Ogre’s Unemployed Peasants killing Bill the Cat in a match with Damion’s team The Cat’s Meow.

The Gazette caught up briefly with Jim the Half-Ogre after the fight. Jim, a former Administrator of our sport, while hulking over our reporter and several other near-bye managers, provided some background on the kill.

“The Cat’s Meow and my peasants have fought five turns in a row now, and we both had won two fights prior to this turn. They came close to killing one of my guys a few turns ago, and I eventually massaged my strategies s to kill one of his. One thing that team did that no one has ever done was to give my guy Flounder 2 a permanent injury. He went almost 80 fights without a scratch which is mighty unusual.”

Bill the Cat ended his sand bagging career (with many a cheer from Singles-only managers) with a record of 57-24-0.

Two truly execrable warriors were killed in Turn 358, rounding out the 50+ death march, in Aconite’s Granger’s Wife and The Demon’s Anvil. The Gazette sends a hearty round of congratulations to the warriors that rid the Veteran’s Blade of these misbegotten gladiators, JB Bladeswinger’s Kora Lynn and Frank’s The Brute.

Congratulations to all of the killers in Turn 358 and our condolences to the mangers of the honored dead.

As the UW is getting pared down, the BC’s remain up, giving us a second straight turn with over 40 BC’s (41 to be specific). We saw a significant number of upsets in the BC action during Turn 358 along with a continued smattering of ugly, from all of our usual suspects. Without further commentary, off we go…

There were a large number of BC defenses this turn, as managers looking to drop down from on high, got quite a surprise in the action. Lady Templar’s TWEAKER ROB went from being the hunter last turn to being the hunted this turn. In return for TWEAKER ROB’s slaying of Shadow Master’s URGON, a 43-fight downchallenge was sent in the form of Shadow Master’s JERLIN. Much to the dismay of Shadow Master, TWEAKER ROB got the better end of it, defending against a significant mismatch. D-Man was quite the popular manager this turn, receiving three downward BCs. In quite a display of management and warrior skill, D-Man successfully defended all of them. One would think this should give others something to chew on regarding any “easy pickins’” in D-Man’s stable. All of the warriors successfully defending against BC mismatches, should all be recognized, therefore(Fight disadvantage in parenthesis):

Lady Templar’s TWEAKER ROB (43)
Xenzar Devrie’s TYJLIE (32)
Drakus’ BYRON (27)
Ted Supreme’s UNE FRAISE (16)
Pip The Troll’s SHWEATY (10)
D-Man’s EVIL BOB (8)
Gy’Gax’s PUGHE (7)
D-Man’s RAY (5)

After losing a BC challenge in turn 357, Shane Davis’ NO BRAINS re-challenged and scored a victory over Violentkitty’s RED SONYA. The rubber match awaits, but we shall see if Shane Davis has the temerity to go after RED SONYA again. Caesar Invictus’ SIRIUS tried to double up on Xenzar Devrie’s TYJLIE, after winning a BC in turn 357, but found rough going in the re-match as TYJLIE won the 3 minute affair. Apparently the 32 fight advantage didn’t buy SIRIUS anything more than a healthy dose of embarrassment.

The litany of the bad is always present in some form in our Arena, though we bring you a slightly different spin on some of the bad this week. Typically, this section is reserved for unwise challenges and obstinate persistence, but the new point of view this week, is on multiple BC losses. Heading the list this week is Shadow Master, who suffered four losses this week in BC contests, three of which were in situations of his choosing. Joining Shadow Master in the multiple loss club this week were Bandit, Boot Strap Billy, Cam, Egor, Panther, and our honor-farming friend Tolome, each ending up tagged with two losses. Continuing the parade of the bad this turn, we have Terminator trying, and failing, for the third straight turn to BC and defeat Sleazee’s CORRUPTOROFTHEPURE with SUPA SUKA. With what can only be described as the “what were you thinking?!” challenge we had The Warlord’s GLOOM BC’ing up 110 fights and 1,315 ranking spots to get pasted by Hosehead’s SORE ROD. May we suggest perhaps a little less drinking while planning challenges. After blood challenging and losing on turn 357, the following warriors went for a second bite at the apple:

Mongolian Knight’s GENERAL PATTON
Tolome’s BORK
Xodea’s ZURG
Boot Strap Billy’s GAMONDA
Fusion’s TUBOR

…and took another loss for their trouble. Perhaps cooler heads will prevail and some discretion will be used before thrusting these gladiators into another difficult match up. If recent BC history is any guide, sadly, we should expect to see most of these same match ups (and probably more losses) during turn 359.

When I first looked over the BC report from my agents around town, I was slightly taken aback. I quickly re-scanned it, and all was right with the world. Terminator was, again, on the list of the Ugly...just not at the very top. Phew! While the resident Dean of the Ugly list was not in his usual spot, Terminator did reign supreme with two entries on this weeks list. The list of the truly ugly BC’s this turn are (Fight Disparity, Ranking Disparity):

Sanguine Savior’s THINGMAKER (110, 1951)
Chen Man Ching’s MIDNIGHT (94, 1343)
Terminator’s WHO CARES! (34, 1255)
Stimpy’s GEORGE (50, 970)
Hosehead’s SPOO (156, 820)
Ilneval’s FORESAKEN (80, 803)
Terminator’s BRUCE (29, 654)
Dude Doomer’s LIVAROT (45, 545)

The battle for the not-so-coveted “Lopsided BC of the Weak” award was a tough, down-to-the-wire conflict between SPOO and THINGMAKER. It was a tough call, depending on how you weigh the disadvantages. From my perspective, the award (so-called) goes to SPOO, for taking a 156 fight advantage into a BC.

Swords High, and watch your back!

Manager of the Week, for once is not a question of trying to separate managers who achieved the same outstanding record while also either resorting to scum-farming peasants or dropping one or two ugly BCs. For achieving a 19-6-1 turn while doing none of this (or even challenging at all) and taking 3 challenges from other managers, E=MC2 is the easy call for this week’s award.

The Runner-Up, however, is a different story. While the Gazette had thought that rumors of Ffunker illegally running two teams had become as fashionable as wearing white after Labor Day, it appears that certain off-hand comments while drunk have become damning evidence of wrong-doing. Because of this, The Gazette would be remiss if it bestowed the Runner-Up award this controversial manager under the current political climate. Rather than be accused of having our cake and eating it too, the Gazette staff has voted to not award this accolade for Turn 359.

Dux Mortalitas reaped the largest Honor bounty yet in Boriel’s targeted killing of “Aho’s” warrior Be-Bop.

"Man that guy should did sweat a lot. I damn near slipped in a puddle. I knew I had to get rid of him or be driven out by that terrible odor." - Reclusion on being asked why he killed Hyperhidrosis

“Ffunker, considerer yourself warned. It's gone on long enough. You will pay for AHO's crimes as an accomplice! Prepare yourself!” – Dux Mortalitas, speaking at his tavern after the turn’s action.

“I'm sad to see her go, she had a lot going for her and was a good warrior to test with. She would have been a real monster if she had lived to 100.” - Izzboticus’ speaking of departed Nguyen after the turn’s action.

The Gazette’s investigative reporters headed back to check on Chaos Lillith's dealings. After “greasing the wheels of commerce” our source was as forthcoming as ever, saying, "Last time I told you that Mistress Chaos was frightful mad. Well she done figured out who it was that killed EE and she sent them to the monsters. Morrigan and Baphomet it was! They had been taking falls for money and got tired of losing and not getting more pay for the shame. So! They poisoned ol' EE. Mistress bet a bunch of money on him and so they made out like a bandits. Well, the Mistress was none too pleased. She got real sneaky and told them they were to fight some of Fusion’s warriors and get some wins, that it had all been arranged. They walked right in and were monster mush. Chaos was the one going through their pockets at the end of that fight." Though we could not corroborate the story, it does fit with other things our reporters are hearing around town. Apparently Chaos Lillith already has some ideas on how to manipulate the upcoming Presence Contest, as well.

Ffunker found himself persona non-grata around the arena this week as rumors swirled anew that he was, indeed, pulling double time as the mysterious being known by the shortened moniker “Aho”. It seems that several managers claimed to have seen Ffunker enter a privy this week only to have Aho emerge in his place. Also working against Ffunker were certain rambling (possibly drunken) ramblings in the Veteran’s Blade’s most famous gathering place, the Pitt Inn.

That's if for this week's edition of The Gazette! If you'd like to submit items for a future edition or provide feedback and clarifications, please pm them to my account on

-The Staff at The Pit Gazette

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