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Volume 1, Issue 22 - Turn 370

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Volume 1, Issue 22 - Turn 370

Post  lord_dragon on Fri Jun 03, 2011 5:03 pm

Hello and welcome to Issue 22 of the Pit Gazette. For 17 of our 22 weeks in existence, our glorious publication publication has brought you the deepest Undefeated Warrior coverage to be found in our fair city. But now, it is over, and sadly it did not end well.

But fear not gentle readers, this is not the end of Raul. We couldn't get rid of Raul if we tried. It's true, he is resistant to all of the banishment spells we have tried. Very unfortunate. This turn, as usual, brings his words to your sitting room, and for that we can only humbly beg your thousand apologies. Or not. We know he is inexplicably popular despite the way he treats the managers of our fair city.

We are very proud to present another regular columnist joining the Gazette staff, as alongside Raul and Cliff Banana, we now bring you Vic Vegas and his Manager of the Week column. Everyone give a big round of applause for Vic!

Anyway, onwards to our 22nd issue.

For the second time in three years, the Undefeated Warrior contest, spawned and sponsored by respected Ancient Staker, will end with no sub-100 winner. It is only due to a rule change from this cycle that we have any winner at all, really. Though he is now deceased and his manager has gone missing from the city, Terminator's Archie will go down as the lone victor of Undefeated Warrior VI, pulling out seven straight wins among warriors with more than 100 fights experience.

But what of Lord Dragon's Sorah Magdar and Sleazee P. Martinee's Rawg Brainsplatter? Both were eliminated from contention in turn 370, having accrued 16, but, sadly, not 17 straight wins. Funnily enough, at the same time that Sleazee's active-since-last-turn alliance-mate Potness Monster was dropping a challenge on Sorah Magdar, bringing 16 fights more experience into the ring and pulling out a win, across the arena Dux Mortalitas was parlaying Murderer's 3rd attempt at eliminating Rawg into a victory that would ensure a very unsatisfying deadlock for the contest.

Lord Dragon, pausing while exiting the arena with his exemplary Half-Elf, answered our reporters' queries for his thoughts. "Its always sad when a tournament like [the Undefeated Warrior contest] ends without a warrior to hold the title. Personally, I would rather that Rawg had became champion than to watch it end like this. A UW without a champion is like a bee without honey." The Dragon Lord went on to suggest that new rules might be in order for the future to cover the situation in which all remaining contestants are eliminated. He also suggested that the UW had turned into a witch-hunt to prevent the Legion of Darkness from claiming the title again, noting with a dark smile, "And that is good."

Emerging from the other fight of record, Dux Mortalitas was satisfied to have removed one of the more impressive Half-Orcs of this generation from the the Undefeated Warrior contest. Amid the gathering swell of reporters and questions about the feat, Dux plainly noted, "We’ll take the win and applaud a master gladiator respectfully! Rawg has earned a lot of respect from my stable and I’m sure the entire arena. I’d also like to congratulate Sorah Magdar on an incredible run! Truth be told, I have never had a run like either of these warriors."

And so ends Undefeated Warrior VI in anti-climax. While the Gazette staff fairly considers the older Brainsplatter's accomplishments just slightly more impressive than young Sorah's, Lord Dragon took some exception to this oft-heard theme, noting to reporters, "Sorah was fighting warriors that had almost the double his experience. Rawg was fighting in a harder rank. To me, both won the tournament."

Weighing in also to Gazette reporters, was aforementioned tournament coordinator Stalker, who provided some thoughts on the standout events of the contest.

*First, Rawg Brainsplitter's incredible run. You won't often see a warrior with 70+ fights reel off 17 straight wins, that was quite an accomplishment. Second, it is completely clear that younger warriors have a decided advantage in the UW contest. Year after year this scenario plays out, a decided disadvantage to veteran-laden manager."

Finally, the esteemed Ancient summed it all up.

*There have been a lot of new mangers joining the Pit over the last year and the contest is become quite the bear to process, but I think it's worth the effort as it still seems to be pretty popular. My congratulations go out to Dux and Potness Monster and their warriors Murderer & The Bruiser for their week-17 wins against Rawg & Sorah."

Both Rawg and Sorah Magdar certainly deserve adulation and acclaim from all Pit fans everywhere.

It's just too bad that fight 17 was too much for both.

Hello my friends. This comes freshly dictated from my mouth to your eyes by one of my faithful scribes. For it is I, Raul Anjinarikar Siv, talking to you from the shackles of the square of the palace. I speak to you of course of the Alliances, and am pleased to bring you the Last of this years Undefeated Warrior contest.

Pleased, you say? Raul, are you not in shackles? Well, true, I am. But because all moneys where returned this year due to a certain lack of victors and the wise insurance investment of my Padishah, he has allowed me to wear clothes and a sun hat while I bask in this dusty square. Now, if only it wasn’t the height of summer and there was something decent to drink instead of the dishwater I have to look forward to, then I tell you it might even be pleasant if one forgets about the cuts in the wrist. Remember, down the street, not across it.

So, a draw. A filth-laden, odoriferous draw. Lords of Darkness, I must say, I was impressed with the 25-win run from Sorah Magdar. But truly, could you not have brought this warrior to the arena, I don’t know, 25 turns ago? Perhaps then he would have won! Well, it is a good thing for you the Padishah prefers to kick his dog Raul instead of hire men to take it out on you.

Well, let us turn to the main course. Who beat Sorah Magdar? A warrior named ‘The Bruiser’ of Potness Monster’s stable. Fascinating, I wasn’t aware he was still managing here. Is it any coincidence that he is a well known friend of Sleazee P Martinee? And a challenge, I wasn’t aware he could write, much less find the challenge forms. If you ask me, and I’m sure you would, the authorities should launch a full investigation, suspend the loss, and redo the whole competition again. But no, I am sure that this will go unpunished. Perhaps Lord Dragon will take out some of his frustrations on Potness?

Furthermore, this time I did attend the fight! Or more accurately a member of my staff did. A new member, paid a shekel for a retelling, and though he was drunk I assure you that his retelling was most accurate. He clearly saw the ref stop the fight and declare The Bruiser the victor despite not landing the last blow. Now, though Sorah Magdar required the restuffing of his intestines after the match, we all know that the Bruiser walked off the field missing his left thumb and forefinger. What, you say he was born that way? Immaterial! As sure as the sun rises across the sands it was a fixed loss.

And then there is Rawg, whom could not withstand a further onslaught from The Dux of Death. One turn too late for the Ancient! If only he had acted sooner, but instead Rawg was allowed to waltz through more than ten non-Dux managed fights before the curtain was drawn. And it took only two minutes. Have you been paid, Dux? Did you not read my earlier plea? Well, I suppose I should be grateful you did not allow him to win it outright. Instead, I find the hollow bitterness of a stranger cast out in the cold.

Well, for one I am glad it is over. I will serve my time and get back to writing about the more important aspects of the alliances. A broader focus. A breath of fresh air in a festering cesspool of bad taste. But until then, Salaam and good hunting!

Thought Rawg Brainsplatter failed to claim the uncontested Undefeated Warrior sub-100 crown, Sleazee P. Martinee did have something to crow about in turn 370, as Rihn the BladeSinger became the third warrior to cross into 100 Win territory since Turn 365, leaving now only inactive Geryon, Poeg's Asiago and Stalker's deathling Popper with fewer than 100 Wins among the recent potential ascendants. Rihn accomplished this feat despite a challenge from Dux Mortalitas' own 119-Win Human, Hsab, managing this milestone win in exactly 150 fights as well. Good show, Rihn. Rihn also becomes Sleazee's second active 100 Win Warrior, giving Sleazee two of these for the first time since Turn 354, when Zurn Bloodbringer accepted an offer he could not refuse.

Among the remaining contestants for 100 Wins, Popper took a solid lead in the final race by pulling in win 99 in a blink-and-you-missed-it random fight against Sanguine Savior's oldest living warrior, Mystical Charade. Unless Geryon returns to action in Turn 371 it seems almost a dead lock that Popper will be the next warrior over the hump. Our final contestant, Asiago, remains is a major underdog now, 2 wins back at 97 even after grabbing his own win in a challenge against Sleazee's other active 100 Win Warrior, Negative Evil.

Where does this leave the 100 Win Club watch? Well, it seems that we are no more than a couple turns from a short hiatus. The next wave of 100 Win contestants is only now pulling into their 89th and 90th wins, with the current frontrunners being Hosehead's semi-hapless Spoo (more likely to cross 100 losses ahead of 100 wins), Rihn's teammate Conan the Barbarian and and the aforementioned Mystical Charade.

So tune in next week pit fans as we will likely be celebrating another warrior's 100th Win in Veteran's Blade.

Dux Mortalitas promised something big in last week's Gazette to celebrate Murderer's 100th Fight and, in typical fashion, he followed through in Turn 370 by challenging and defeating one of the two remaining Undefeated Warrior contestants, Sleazee P. Martinee's Rawg Brainsplatter and in doing so brought in win number 67.

The overall ramifications of the win have been covered elsewhere, but for a moment we turn to Dux's post fight commentary for some perspective on what it took to take down Rawg and properly celebrate Murderer's 100th Fight. "Murderer wasn’t too excited when he saw me pencil him in for another Rawg encounter [Editors note: Murderer had come out of two previous Rawg fights during UW with serious injuries]. But, after seeing Rawg in action against Murderer twice, I had a pretty good idea what it would take to beat him. You see, the great thing about Murderer, is that he can effectively use a wide variety of styles well, even some that most regard as useless. My theory for Rawg’s incredible streak was that, first of all, he was an phenomenal warrior. But second, there has been a void of warriors around him using the styles that would best handle his setup. Due to Murderer’s flexibility, I was able to fill that void."

Congratulations to both warriors. It was quite a run, but fitting that a warrior with Murderer's record and versatility finally ended the streak.

Thanks to a missed turn, we will actually see more than one warrior potentially cross the 100 Fight threshold in turn 371, with Angel of Death's Veruk Jupin remaining locked at 99 fights after inactivity in Turn 370. Joining Veruk is Sleazee P. Martinee's sub-par Halfling Eisa She-Fire of Ice, who, though being assured of a losing record at 100 fights with 52 losses already, has at least brought in a winning record over her last 20 fights, going 11-9 during that span.

Sleazee did provide a brief comment when reporters asked about Eisa's upcoming 100th Fight, noting, "What can I say? I don't know nothin' about running Halflings. Now give me a nasty foul-tempered beast and I'll do something with it. But when it comes to Halflings, I've got no freakin' clue!"

Every manager has their weak spot, Sleazee. Be happy yours is just Halflings.

The Gazette wishes good luck to both gladiators in Turn 371.

It just wouldn't be a week in our beloved Veteran's Blade arena unless either mass numbers of exceptional warriors died or our city lost one of its finest warriors. The second was certainly true in Turn 370, as Palor's deadly Elf Moss took sole possession of his racial kill record by destroying Hosehead's second oldest warrior, and a record holder in his own right, Slap Ho in just under 2 full minutes of action. To the delight of Palor, and the chagrin of some who were hoping for more ammunition in the on-going persecution of the Chirurgeon's Guild, Slap Ho's death could not be pinned on the shoddy closing of old wounds or improperly cast healing spells.

Palor, clearly pleased with Moss' achievement, spoke briefly upon leaving the arena complex for the day, noting, "Moss has become a true artist of death."

Slap Ho learns that pimpin' ain't so easy despite having slapped together 110 wins and 7 kills in 164 total fights.

Moving now to the only qualifying BC kill in turn 370, we find Sleazee P. Martinee's Celtic Frost landing a full return broadside on Poeg's Sidewinder in the name of the departed Horace Pinker. Though it took 4-minutes, Poeg's XXX Sword wielding Half Elf was left crumpled upon the sands by Sleazee's 109-Fight Dwarf in a fight that many viewers saw as deceptively one-sided.

Sleazee fired a verbal salvo himself after the fight, commenting on the kill by stating, "The Pudster had it coming. Sidewinder was a marked man with his killing of Horace Pinker. No amount of armor was going to save him. But in all actuality, it was probably the death of him."

Poeg shrugged after the match, noting, "Sidewinder always gets hit, so he needed the armor."

Sidewinder returns to the dirt which birthed us all having managed 43 wins and 2 kills in 78 fights.

Changing focus now to one of two challenge kills in turn 370, we move to Bandit's decimation of Marius' Napoleon Complex with Halfling Bigger. While sadly appropriate, the feat also gained Bigger a point of honor for the upchallenge and a second for killing a dishonorable opponent.

Our reporter caught up with the enigmatic Marius as he skeptically appraised a replacement recruit. He kindly granted the following statement: "It's fair to say that Napoleon Complex was one of my best warriors. He was a solid performer and managed to teach me a few things as well. He will definitely be missed. Of course, death is a part of the game - to become too attached to any warrior in the Pit carries obvious risks. As his death came on a challenge, I believe the act of killing him demands some form of retribution. Bandit will know it when he sees it."

Napoloeon Complex finishes his short life with 45 wins and 2 kills in 60 fights.

In a random match generally unremarked-upon, Lord Kelvin's previously kill-less Halfling Scarecrow murdered Marcus' Dwarf Despair in a fairly short 2-minute match-up.

Despair leaves his fans in a deep depression, having accrued 38 wins in 56 fights.

Across the complex in our other challenge kill of the Turn, Vic Vegas was taking out some aggression on Ffunker's lone remaining veteran loser, Rocchi. Vic had been trying for this kill for some times it seems, having challenged Rocchi five times with various warriors since Turn 360.

Ffunker declined comment on the death after the turn, but Vic Vegas was happy to provide his thoughts to reporters. "I thought Basque would kill [Rocchi] back on Turn 365, but it seems none of my Brokeback Gladiators could manage a victory against Ffunker's loser. I used turn 370 to experiment with a new style with Chancroid and it worked! "

Rocchi flops to the ground having scored only 25 wins and a single kill in 64 fights.

The final qualifying death in Turn 370 belonged to Panther's Spyte, who apparently chose the wrong turn to challenge Sleazee's House of Suffering to a match of mediocre records.

Though Panther was, as ever, unavailable for comment post-fight, Sleazee did corner one reporter to exult, "For such a shorty, House can swing a mean stick... As Spyte found out!" Indeed.

Spyte retreats to the afterlife having managed to fall just under .500 at the last moment with 25 wins, but 5 kills, in 51 fights.

So, all in all not the deadliest of turns in our fair Arena. This can only bode ill for next turn.

Sincerest apologies from the quill of the Banana as a series of events prevented the last issue from making the issue's printing. It appears that Blood Challenges remained at a healthy level, despite my lack of attention. BCs this turn remained within the normal range, as we saw 41 qualifying conflicts. I can only imagine that my vigilance has kept the BC violence to a minimum, but what a difference one turn could well make. While the overall number of contests remained in the normal range, the turn did see 13 fights which qualified as ugly and 8 which ended in death! Ah, but perhaps it was due time for a small cleansing of the middle ranks.

A very short list of Good this round, though Izzboticus has certainly made an abbreviated list rather interesting. A marvelous performance was turned in by GROUNDHAWG as while incurring an 85 fight handicap, he fended off the decidedly uneven challenge by Scotty Body’s SCROTUM. A relative newcomer to our list of the Good is Tars Tarkas who put together a 3-BC win turn with only 1 of those victories by his own hand. Still our hats remain more off to GROUNDHAWG, in scoring an upset victory of the greatest fight disparity we’ve seen yet.

Izzboticus’ GROUNDHAWG (85)
The Demon’s OCULTTO (19)
The Overlord’s TINY TODD (13)
Boot Strap Billy’s HAMHOCK (4)

Our brief hiatus from covering the list of the Bad was just that, as we had two managers leap right back into the fray. A very difficult turn had by The Warlord: 7 total BC fights yielding an unimpressive 2-5 record. Even more sadly, The Warlord issued 4 of those challenges but won only 1 of them and that one with the 2nd highest ranked warrior in the arena. Making the list, but flying a bit under the radar was Violentkitty, registering 3 BC losses for the turn.

Not only was is the list of Ugly rather large this turn, but we have a couple of ugly challenges which almost warrant an entirely new section. What had me vomiting in my mouth was the 269 fight elbow drop by The Warlord’s LUKA SKYRUNNER, dropping down and killing Commandant Eitch’s THE GREY EWE. Yes, the very same THE GREY EWE wth a losing record after 16 fights. Oh, wait, it’s coming back up again. Following The Warlord’s lead was Hosehead, who made the Ugly list 3 times this turn. While Hosehead was on the list 3 times, the total fight disparity of all 3 fights was still less than that of LUKA over THE GREY EWE, and that includes Hosehead’s SPOO who dropped down 166 fights! Sometimes, people, I swear, we are absolutely nowhere. It makes Xavier’s 28 fight downchallenge look almost compassionate.

The Warlord’s LUKA SKYRUNNER (269)
Hosehead’s SPOO (166)
Ilneval’s R’SHANN (64)
Lady Templar’s PETER (58)
Hosehead’s DAMNAND BLAST (46)
Egor’s CRONK (45)
Folkari’s MANUSHKA (42)
Sleazee P Martinee’s CELTIC FROST (31)
Ffunker’s MICHAEL (30)
Sdan’s DJ DIZZLE (29)
Xavier’s TAKAN ALISIA (28)
Acheron’s MEGATON (25)

Off with you all now! Go back to your guild houses and think about what you have done.

VIC VEGAS' <!--[if gte vml 1]> MANAGER OF THE WEEK
Manager of the week was a no-brainer this turn as Hoffa turned in a stunning 19 wins out of 25 fights with 2 kills, all from random matches. Though some of the victories were less than stunning (I mean who hasn’t defeated Bloody Pulp?), given that Hoffa did not target the poor worthless warrior, I won't count it against him.

Nucla 7-3-0 trampled Mrs Ming 5-5-0
Taconite 18-18-2 lost to Grimlock 34-18-3
Iatan 35-26-6 was subdued by Touche Rektal 2 34-23-1
Springerville 6-0-0 trounced Beautiful Mourning 3-6-0
Dolet Hills 10-5-0 beat Thedude 9-9-1
Montrose 12-5-0 was taken down by Detroit 11-9-0
Big Cajun II 3-0-0 defeated Lager 2-2-0
Snuffleupadux 6-4-0 bested Dirtball 4-10-0
Coffeen 28-15-2 killed Acheron’s Life Ender 26-20-3
Ratts 6-0-0 pummeled A. Quickie 3-5-0
Cobb 4-1-1 butchered Commandant Eitch’s Laughing Goat 3-2-0
Rush Island 39-13-2 thwarted Sire Marshal Feront 31-19-3
Hugo 28-19-1 flattened Drakin 23-25-0
Rodemacher 18-15-3 vanquished Unskinny Bopper 18-5-0
Kincaid 10-2-1 crushed The Murderess 7-10-0
Sioux 9-3-0 humbled Henri-Desire Landru 9-3-0
King 2-0-0 foiled Lord Stoutmere 1-1-0
Cross 7-0-0 pacified Stormbull 5-5-0
Asbury 13-12-0 won over Bump 12-17-0
Deerhaven 23-16-1 was squelched by Kid 21-30-1
Harrington 2-1-0 conquered Big Al 1-2-0
Bishop 37-30-0 was defeated by The Hobbit 33-36-0
Lowman 22-9-0 neutered Lamina 4 17-20-0
Duck Creek 16-3-3 overwhelmed Bloody Pulp 9-22-1

Hoffa overpowered some excellent gladiators and this reporter believes there is more of this to come from him in the turns to follow. This week will see no runner-up position for Manager of the Week, to highlight and salute Hoffa’s efforts.

Will Zeus and Sliv, both rivals for this turn’s non-existent, yet esteemed, runner-up Manager of the Week position, challenge Hoffa next turn in a bid to reduce his w/l/k percentage and hopefully not damage their own chances for MotW for turn 271?

With that parting query, I bid you a bloody day of matches.

M.Noirceur is still winless in four turns since hitting 100 Wins.

NBS Manager Ffunker provided the following interesting tidbit this turn: Six managers control 10 or more warriors with at least 50 fights experience as of Turn 370. Leading the way was Sleazee P. Martinee with 15, followed by Marius and Poeg with 11 each and three managers tied at 10 (Lady Templar, Lord Kelvin and Ilneval). As a measure of the toughest managers in Veteran's Blade, The Gazette can think of fewer, better testaments than ability to shepherd warriors to long life.

"Oddly enough, Murderer and Rawg met on the very first turn of the contest. Murderer lost but went home with 2 new gifts. 12 turns later she tried again and only left with 1 gift. Murderer's victory in their third match required some interesting strategy on the part of Putz, though." - Sleazee P. Martinee on Rawg's elimination match.

"Putz once again tries to stop my stable from achieving a goal, but not this time! The BladeSinger was just too much for him!" - Sleazee, commenting on Rihn the BladeSinger's victory over Hsab.

"Was a good solid fight. Didn't have me dying on the last hit. But for the most part I dominated the fight. He was small for a somewhat large dwarf at 4' 4". I was surprised I didn't have to look up so much to fight him, given my 4' 11" height." - Bandit's Bigger, commenting on killing Marius' Napoleon Complex this turn.

A set of rumors were found taped to the front door of the Gazetteer's office this week. We reprint them here more or less in their entirety.

After careful examination this week, Moss' shorts sword was given the thumbs up as a legal weapon for use in the Pitt. When asked about the diabolical hunk of metal Moss responded "Well there was this guy and he was demonstrating how even after cutting through a tin can and hacking up a block of wood, he could make razor thin cuts on a Tomato."

Murderer learned to deal with Rawg's real weapon this week. It seems that its not Rawg's halberd you have to worry about but his breath…

Stalker's secret is out! Popper found to be a Halfling with a serious tic, picking at scars! That’s not so bad for a Halfling with ADHD, you might say but its other peoples scars he's picking at.

Have all common short swords been replaced with vorpal ones. Is yours sailing through armor like it wasn't even there? Might just be a natural occurrence for the short sword used in today's Veteran's Blade. It seems the ore used in manufacturing the latest batches for our arena might have contained vorpal properties. When tracked to its source it seems that "recycled artifacts" may have gotten into the mix. So the sands being so red of late might just have to do with the "green initiative". Damn those tree huggers!

That's if for this week's edition of The Gazette! If you'd like to submit items for a future edition or provide feedback and clarifications, please pm them to my account on

-The Staff at The Pitt Gazette

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