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Volume 1, Issue 35 - Turn 383

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Volume 1, Issue 35 - Turn 383

Post  lord_dragon on Fri Jun 03, 2011 11:02 pm

Welcome to the 35th issue of the Pit Gazette. Stay awhile and listen. Try to avoid being eaten by a grue.

From intramural week and into the fire, as they say around these parts. What's that? They don't say that around these parts? Oh.

Well, anyway, while Turn 2 of the Alliance Olympics was relatively quiet in terms of controversy after the angry outbursts following Turn 1, there was much wailing and gnashing of Council teeth when turn 3 wrapped up and both STUD and DIE ended the turn at 1-2-0, with DIE doing se despite a win and kill lead over the Gazette's predicted winner, GAP.

Unlike the previous weeks, The Gazette found itself correct on only 2 of 4 match predictions. In the matter of Frostbite versus PDA, we did rightly predict that Frostbite would win, and they did so despite a real bounce back turn from PDA stalwart Xavier. The combined might of Poeg, Dux Mortalitas and Caesar Invictus was just too much for PDA as a whole, though, and rather than a close fought victory, it wasn't even close in the end.

GAP also came away with the predicted victory, though once again the Council suffered from making and winning (and losing) too many downwards, dishonorable challenges when the dust cleared. Despite taking 29 overall wins and throwing in a kill, GAP parlayed their 23 wins into more points and took the contest victory by a mere 4 points. In response, both Sanguine Savior and Hosehead withdrew from their respective faction teams for the remainder of the contest.

When approached for comment, Acheron sighed and noted, "I will let the observations made by Caesar Invictus on Sanguine's challenges speak for themselves. What can I say? The point system is what it is, it’s equal for everybody and as Poeg notes, the worries that Frostbite had about their upper level guys being at a complete disadvantage were certainly not as bad as they feared going into the contest. If certain people define their lack of fun by whether they have to change how they operate or whether they lose their matches, there's very little I can do about that. Certainly there are other struggling teams that have conveyed to me their thoughts privately and are even positive about the experience so far, so I'm not going to let a lot of sound and fury sway me from taking this competition to its conclusion. It is sort of looking like a one team show at the moment, though GAP has certainly surged since their first round loss and I would dearly love to see someone put a real challenge to Frostbite for the crown. It will be good for the fans."

Now, as to where we went wrong. The newly re-christened Brute Squad looked like real underdogs heading into a match up against the STUD team composed of Hosehead, Potness Monster and Sleazee P Martinee, but to the surprise of fans and participants alike took a nicely fought win in overall tally and points this turn to move into the pack at 1-2-0. Elsewhere we thought the enthusiastic NBS would have a real shot themselves against Black, a team that has been 2 men and a mannequin so far in competition. However, despite 30 points out of the NBS, they were edged in wins and points by Black, with Lord Dragon's 8-2 turn proving to be a real difference maker.

And so, our predictions for next turn? We're picking GAP to continue surging over a stronger-than-expected challenge from the Brute Squad with both teams wracking up points. Frostbite will continue to roll, pummeling DIE into a fine paste. STUD will fall for a second straight week to what would be considered by most bookies to be an underdog team, with NBS benefiting this turn from Hosehead's decision to bow out of the tournament. Finally, Black will pull a squeaker win over a faltering PDA team.

Thus we predict the standings after Turn 4 to be as follows:

Frostbite (4-0-0)
GAP (3-1-0)
Black (3-1-0)
Brute Squad (2-2-0)
NBS (2-2-0)
PDA (1-3-0)
DIE (1-3-0)
STUD (1-3-0)

Hello, my friends. I, Raul Anjinarikar Siv, bring you once again into the fold as the Olympics near their midpoint and as the clear frontrunner, never in doubt, takes form ahead of the rest of the pack. Would it not surprise you to believe that with all that is going on, my wrist is sore from all the writing? Pity me, for if I cannot write, I cannot feed my twelve children.

What can we say about the much anticipated Frostbite and PDA standoff as anticipated by the odds makers? It was like breeding camels: a few misfires, but in the end, you're going to get a hump one way or the other. That’s right, a crushing victory for Frostbite over the public display of affection. Let me not pass over a few tidbits of tenacity here, for PDA was able to at least hand Dux more losses than wins, an achievement not accomplished by another team in the tournament so far. Too bad about the salad man and poet, otherwise it would have mattered.

The surprise match up of the week was Brute Squad's near romantic bout with STUD. In a turn of events that shocked like an earthquake beneath the feat, STUD lost both points and win tally to the previously fully-defeated alliance, upsetting many a bettor and pleasing the bookkeepers (but not their servants who must carry the bags of coin). Perhaps, if it would help, may I suggest ritual sacrifice next time before the turn? Chickens are inexpensive, but cause a mess by running about decapitated. Goats are good but tend to eat the altar cloth before the ceremony is in full swings. Humans...well, have you tried to find a virgin in this city? Maybe just stick to offerings of grain.

In another surprise for those foolish enough to bet when a spread is involved, the NBS lost very closely to LoD Black. Yes, in what was predicted to be a blowout of biblical proportions, the NBS actually caused concern among those in Black. Things such as ‘hmm’ and ‘oh dear’ could be heard uttered in the halls along with the clacking of beads as the abacus workers tried to predict what the outcome would be on this close bout. But in the end, the NBS could not overcome the inevitable, and they take their place among the other 1-2 candidates in the field. Enjoy the company...I’m sure you have a lot to talk about.

DIE and GAP faced off in a light kill round that made one wonder if pillows had been issued instead of the normal weapons. How do you have fifty-two near death fights and only one body bag? But in the end, the dust settled and GAP squeaked, mouse-like, out on points. One cannot help but notice Hoffa’s popularity with ladies as of 25 fighters, 22 of them where involved in contest matches. A shame so many walked away in one piece, more or less. What can be said, sometimes the barn does not cut so close to the hay that allows all animals to eat from the trough. Yes, it was not meant to make sense.

Well amidst rumors, talk, and innuendo, I do not have the stamina without drink and rest. Until next turn my friends, "Salaam and Good Hunting."

And just like that, the Race to 100 ends. And in a tie, no less. With Sleazee P Martinee's top level threats wrapped up in Alliance Olympics action, Pre Monster was free to fight in singles, whereas Conan the Barbarian would likely have to fare with a potentially tough match-up. And this is exactly how it played out come game day, with Conan the Barbarian fielding a challenge from Danny D Bloody's TNT and Pre Monster facing a random match with Scotty Body's Stacie. Stacie did not put up much resistance to Pre Monster's determined hunt for that 100th win, being pulled by the ref in the second minute of the fight, but TNT made a show of things by taking Conan the Barbarian into minute three. Still, when the dust settled, both of our 100 Win contestants walked out of the arena with a new feat of which to boast.

Hearty congratulations, then, to both Conan the Barbarian and Pre Monster. This was a quick race, and one that sadly ends in a tie, and yet we cannot be sad, as both warriors have proven well worthy of their honored 100th. May they have many more winning fights ahead.

With four warriors eligible for their 100th Fights in Turn 383, and among them such excellent warriors as CorrupterOfThePure and Groundhawg, there was much anticipation of celebrations throughout the city for the night following our day of combat. How little, then, did we expect that only one of these fine warriors, Ironfist, would pull out a win on this day, challenging and taking down D-Man's feared killer Black Nightshade, who though he was at a 14-fight disadvantage in the match, cannot be considered a slouch in any sense. Our remaining contestants bowed to Ragnarok's Liver Lips (Wise Thug losing the singles match), Xavier's Santas (keeping up a recent trend of beating up on his fellow Elves in dominating a fight with CorrupterOfThePure) and Keebler Maximus, who issued a surprise downchallenge and pounded Izzboticus' Groundhawg.

Despite the losses, however, all four of our warriors move on into the 100+, three of them with solid to excellent records (67-33-5 for CorrupterOfThePure, 64-36-8 for Groundhawg and 60-40-0 for Ironfist). The Gazette wishes all four good luck for many turns to come.

There was something in the water between 107 and 100 weeks ago. There is no other explanation for the sheer volume of warriors who entered the arena at that time and have survived the many trials and tribulations to reach their 100th Fight day of late. Alongside the four warriors who reached the milestone this past turn, five more warriors will celebrate this once rare accomplishment at the end of the coming Fight Day as well. Led by Nads' exemplary Dwarf Short Temper, at 76 wins in 99 fights, three other stellar warriors will cross into the ranks of the 100+ with at least 60 wins secured: Fusion's Mal (61 wins), Caesar Invictus' Orion (63) and Ilneval's latest wonder R'Shann (also 63). As with last turn, one warrior will be breaking into the 100+ with a losing record, Validian's Makie, who has already notched 59 losses in 99 fights.

In order to avoid jinxing any warriors and to prevent additional death threats from certain camps, we will say no more about any of these warriors. Well, until they join the ranks of the 100+ next turn anyway. Congratulations, instead, to Ilneval, Caesar, Fusion and Validian on their accomplishments so far and to come.

Only seven veteran warrior fought their last in Turn 383, and among these, as with last turn, none were from the vaunted 100+. Indeed, with so many warriors crossing the 100 Fight mark of late, those ranks have indeed swelled with excellent warriors while not suffering the loss of many members. Rumors would indicate that many of said warriors are held together with baling wire, so it's likely just a matter of time before the fans are graced with an unprecedented 4- or 5-death turn from those ranks.

Lacking such action this turn, however, the fans were mostly treated to the deaths of "never-weres". In fact, five of the seven veteran deaths could best be termed "mercy killings", given that those warriors were all sporting sub-.500 records in the arena at the time of their exterminations.

Still, the death of any veteran warriors is lamented by managers and fans alike. Mostly, anyway, so we will devote no less space to these kills than we normally would. We promise.

Two warriors died this turn with more than 90 fights of experience, though neither was exactly setting the world on fire during their time on the sands. Eca Za's Plague, for example, had fought a losing battle against the .500 mark for most of his existence, though for a brief time not long ago he was a winning warrior. A random match-up against Xavier's Ronald Dumbsfeld seemed to be going his way this turn until the very end when a second very heavy injury chased him from his body.

Tolome's Squatche, also spent a good deal of his life flirting, but never sealing the deal exactly, with a winning record. His long twilit struggle was ended this turn by D-Man's Mark Warner, notching his seventh kill to put some friendly pressure on Black Nightshade, we can only imagine.

Plague and Squatche are sent into the afterlife to the serenades of literally tens of fans having ended their arena careers with 4 kills and at least 50 losses each (50 in 97 fights for Plague and 52 in one less fight for Squatche). We hope both Eca Za and Tolome received stellar and oh-so-pretty replacements for their losses.

Davron's Gnat, despite his name, can do some serious damage when he is on his game (as many managers will privately attest). Damion's Boo Boo discovered this just in time for it to be the final lesson of his long career on the sands, succumbing to the violence of our beloved sport in just under 2 minutes of his last match.

Boo Boo clawed his way to 45 wins and 5 kills in a 96-fight career.

Palor is now the proud owner of the top living Dwarf killer (as well as owning the top Elven killer) in the pit, thanks to Messiah's euthanization of Ragnarok's semi-competent George Dubya Bush. A double dose of congratulations therefore to Messiah for separating from the pack of 7-Kill dwarves (and quite a pack it is with Acheron's Robin Williams, Ilneval's Reclusion, Sleazee's The Rage to Overcome Sanguine's Burn in Hell and Poeg's Asiago).

George Dubya Bush is impeached after a 91 fights in which he stumbled to 56 losses and never once killed a warrior himself.

Master Misfit suffered the loss of our only remaining qualified winning warrior on the turn when Tailored Violent found himself matched against Izzboticus' solid Half-Elf Saint Jeanne.

Tailored Violent faces his ironically violent end having managed 33 wins and a kill in 62 fights.

Two additional warriors faced their ends on the sands this turn, with Ironman losing Tracker Backstabber in a random match with Drakus' excellent Halfling Phryne while Rachel's Smelly picked the wrong bad warrior to upchallenge and died at the hands of Panther's Fendore.

Tracker Backstabber ceases to track nor backstab after 63 fights in which he managed a kill but just 30 wins while Smelly really begins to exemplify his name after a 62 fight career in which he managed no kills and only 27 wins.

Thus concludes another edition of Notable Deaths. Not as notable on the whole as we prefer, and yet the fans, they were undoubtedly entertained. And isn't that really all we ask?

Til next week!

Well, folks, it is now official. Despite much of the discussion on the rules of Olympics scoring, it does appear that the contest has tempered Blood Challenges, as qualifying matches totaled in the low twenties for the third straight turn, coinciding with the start of the Olympics. It seems that the spirit of competition has overridden the desire to drop a serious elbow on a hapless opponent. This is, however; the first BC report in which we can truthfully say that there were no deaths on record. While there may be some, based on their performance, who will be subsequently killed off by The Monsters, none died at the hand of an opponent in this BC cycle. On to the report…

Our report of the Good this turn balances out the tallies of the Ugly, so hooray for the defenders and kudos to those that refused the downchallenge temptation! In fact the Good features a quite impressive win by the reticent Marcus' SQUASHED DUCK. El Ducko Largo turned back a sixty-four fight downchallenge from Hosehead's SLARTIBARTFAST, and did so in a quick minute. And to think that it wasn't that long ago that we were heaping accolades on Hosehead for a bold upwards BC victory. It appears that Hosehead has fallen off of the honor wagon. However; there remains positive news for Hosehead. There is a one-step process for recovery: don't BC downwards. Problem solved!

Marcus' SQUASHED DUCK (64)
Angel of Death's MIKAEL (19)
JB Bladeswinger's DOC OXBLOOD (13)
Poeg's OLD CHEDDAR (12)
Ironman's MCMUFFIN 2.5 (9)

There is a very realistic chance that the Bad section will soon be renamed in honor of Poppa Balrog. Not only has he continued his streak of futility in attempted BCs, losing, again, this turn on a twelve-fight downchallenge, but we must now really begin looking at his decision-making ability. Either Poppa B. has already slipped into his aged senility or someone has some compromising pictures which Poppa B would prefer to keep private. Ah, the follies of an Old Balrog, a young Half-Orc, and a quarterstaff. For shame, Balrog, for shame.

Despite her entry here on the list of the Ugly, we must give a nod to Violentkitty. Before Poppa B. took a death grip on the Bad section of our weekly article, it was the domain of Violentkitty, due to her continued overall struggles with BCs. I must say that it was with a large degree of surprise that we saw Violentkitty registering two BC victories this turn, even if one made this bittersweet list. Perhaps that is just the right kick to get the stable moving in the right direction. Scotty Body and DOOMSDAY JESUS' seventy-three fight downchallenge thrashing of Alphaforce's BAWLIN SHOWTIE headlined our Ugly list, which lacked compelling matches nor provided for the likely and entertaining possibility for an extended manager conflict. Fans were instead "treated" to a bunch of vanilla butt-kickings across the board, with a healthy dose of one minute, one-sided fights.

Scotty Body's DOOMSDAY JESUS (73)
Nads' WERT (69)
Chaos Lillith's ANNE BONY (37)
Violentkitty's VALKYRIE (27)
Pan's XEVIOUS (27)

And so we close another week here at the BC Round Up. How shall next turn look with so few kills in the Alliance Olympics? We can only speculate.

With one manager turning in a 20-5-2 turn overall while also pulling down an aforementioned 8 wins to only 2 losses in the Alliance Olympics, Manager of the Week is such a no-brainer for Turn 383 that we entirely forgot to include it in the early edition of the Pit Gazette circulated throughout the city. So, here we shall recitfy this oversight, awarding Manager of the Week to Lord Dragon. Verily, the Dragons will be having a hot time in the old town tonight!

The widening of the so-called Neutral Zone in Xavier's Honor System provided for a much reduced tally of dishonor gained in Turn 383, with only Drachir and Validian (of all managers) reaching even 5 points of dishonor.

Unsurprisingly all four top honor gainers on the turn were participants in the Alliance Olympics, with its heavy weight given to upchallenge contests. Interestingly, these four were also each from a different winning team on the turn.

"What can I say? That crazy Gnat just doesn't realize his stiletto sucks as a weapon. To get another kill is just amazing. A couple more and he'll probably have hordes of stiletto-using wannabees following in his footsteps." - Davron, speaking of Gnat's destruction of Damion's Boo Boo to press after the turn.

"Messiah saw his chance to prove once and for all he had nothing to do with Bush's actions." - Palor, tongue likely in cheek, as he left the arena complex after fight day.

"What, Plague is dead? Well that clears it up. All Ronald Dumbsfeld said was quote 'He's either alive and well or alive and not too well or not
alive.' He is a frustrating warrior to manage, let me tell you." - Xavier, shaking his head as he spoke to press after Ronald Dumbsfeld's win and kill this turn.

The coming war between GAPPDA and the Council of the Cauldron has dissolved into confusion on both sides. We hear that Council missives have been aimed towards changing the terms of the war while GAPPDA has responded with a fairly typical, scattershot pre-war declaration of victory. This then devolved into more general name calling around the city, between managers and fans of each alliance alike. Good times are coming, for certain.

That's if for this week's edition of The Gazette! If you'd like to submit items for a future edition or provide feedback and clarifications, please pm them to my account on

-The Staff at The Pitt Gazette

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